Deb In the City

Updated, easy to make, kick ass vegan gluten free bread

2012-01-28T20:02:00.000-05:00

... with one small problem.

A few months ago, my daughter posted a link on the PPK site to my vegan, gluten-free millet bread. That has gotten more hits than almost anything else I've written. And well it should- the bread comes out great.

However, I wasn't entirely happy with that recipe. You see, I like to keep things as simple as possible, and I know I'm not alone. One of the things that makes regular old white bread so easy to make is that you don't need that many ingredients: flour, water, salt and yeast. Yeah, sugar or some other sweetener will make it rise faster and it's always nice to have some richness via oil or other fat, but the four ingredients are all you really need. (And people, don't skimp on the salt. You could do away with the yeast before you could do away with the salt- for real.) I had you going for quite a few flours that may be hard to find, and that made me feel bad.

Since I put that recipe up, I've done quite a bit of experimenting with the bean-free, gluten-free flour mix that BabyCakes Covers the Classics includes. And you know what? It's fabulous. I got the brilliant idea to try it in my bread recipe, and it worked. It didn't just work once or twice, it's worked more than five times. It's so much simpler- and cheaper, with easier to find ingredients- and you're going to love it.

Just one problem: I don't have permission to tell you what the flour mix is. I wrote to them and asked, but I haven't heard back. Well, ugh. Some people would just tell you anyway, but that's not the way I roll. I feel comfortable telling you that it includes brown rice flour, potato starch and cornstarch, but I can't tell you the proportions.

But... there is a preview available on Google Books, and possibly on Amazon. Here it is. Go to page 24, which is included in the preview, and look at the section "If You Don't Want To Use Bean Flour". The mix described there is what I use, although instead of using arrowroot, I use cornstarch. I use this in bread, in cake, in brownies and in veggie burgers. It works.

Do I need to tell you that if you're vegan and you have a wheat problem that you should buy the BabyCakes books? Well, you should. Because Erin McKenna does some things with donuts that actually make me want to eat donuts and the frosting is one of the best frostings I've ever tasted- like egg yolk buttercream, but not unctuous. Go, buy the book.

Without further ado, here's my bread recipe. Please use this and go ahead and talk about it. But when you do, please link back to this post- and back to BabyCakes NYC.

Simple, Vegan, Gluten-Free Bread

Recipe yields one loaf

2 1/2 cups water OR 1 1/2 cups water and 1 cup vegan milk
1 tablespoon oil (I've used olive and canola oil)
1 tablespoon sweetener
1 tablespoon yeast
3 tablespoons flax meal (make sure it's ground flax meal and not whole flax seeds)

3 cups of vegan, gluten-free flour mix (see above)
1 tablespoon xanthum gum (you MUST use this)
1 tablespoon salt (did I mention that you really, really need to use this?)

Mix together water (or water and milk), oil, sweetener, yeast and flax meal in a bowl. Let sit for three minutes or until yeast begins to dissolve. In another bowl, mix together flour mix, xanthum gum and salt. Stir liquid ingredients to make sure flax and sugar don't sink to the bottom, then pour into dry ingredients. Stir to combine, then pour into loaf pan and cover to let rise. (You will NOT knead this- the dough will look much wetter than wheat dough.)

I usually let my dough rise an hour and a half, but time to rise depends on temperature and moisture. The dough won't double in size, but it should rise by at least a half.

Bake in a preheated 375 degree oven for at least 35 minutes but probably closer to 45 minutes. Again, this will vary by oven. The bread is ready when it makes a hollow "thwap" when you tap the bottom of it (as for all breads). Let cool in pan at least five minutes, then remove from pan and cool on a rack completely before you slice it.

This is go-to bread you can do anything with. Below is how I like bread best, toasted with butter. It's also great for sandwiches.

Enjoy!

Deb in the City

PS Do you note the dark flecks in the bread? That's the flax meal. I like it, but if you don't golden flax meal will produce a fleck-free bread that will taste and hold together just as well.

Through a glass, darkly

2012-01-25T20:37:00.000-05:00

I take my children out to walk a lot. They don't always thank me for this, but it's one of the few things I know I'm doing right. Jacob and Jazmyn no longer whine about walking like they used to, and they've got more stamina than many adults. Plus it's a great way to see the world.

It's just that sometimes that world is really messed up.

I cannot walk them anywhere in downtown Boston without running into a poster or store window that features a model or mannequin in a state of undress. This wasn't the norm when I was seven, but it sort of was by the time I was in my early teens. I took it, basically, in stride because I'd already been reading Cosmo, Glamour and Mademoiselle for a few years. Well, my children haven't, and they're not taking it so well. I don't blame them.

Simon sometimes visibly shudders when he sees these things. I think a number of things are going through his head: this is inappropriate; this should be done in private; this is embarrassing; this is supposed to be "sexy" and I don't like sexy things; do I like sexy things? I'm not supposed to like sexy things; sexy things are for grown ups, and kids aren't supposed to be grown ups; that's bad for kids but good for grown ups- why is that? This is hurting my head, so I just don't want to look.

I try to reassure my son that what he's seeing is not real, because in a significant way it's not. Are there incredibly tall, thin and young women walking around in the population? Sure- but none of them are good enough these days to escape a lot of air brushing before their image gets immortalized in a window or poster. But this is no comfort to my son, because he gets the perfected, hypersexualized image that they're selling. (And that *is* what they're selling, of course, with their products as the vehicle by which it can be delivered to you, onto you. Why else would they use images of half- or completely naked teenagers to sell... clothing?)

It makes me so angry on his behalf. I wish he didn't have to see this, and when it gets right down to it, I wish I didn't have to see it. There should be standards, damn it... but no, that's not what I really think. My children need to be protected from hateful actions and sometimes hateful speech, but not... weirdness.

Then it hit me: I don't mind my children "hearing" this part of the cultural conversation, but I do mind that it's so loud. Be attractive, be sexually appealing and don't stray from the norms- or else. We say these things- most cultures do- but to walk around a major city in the United States, you'd think that was ALL we said. Being sexy/gorgeous/desirable is where we have put all of our aspirations. Where is the discussion about going to Mars? Finding a cure for AIDS? Eradicating hunger? Keeping a clean water supply? Those conversations happen as well, but they're not nearly as easy to find as an under-dressed fourteen year old pretending to be an idealized version of a twenty-five year old.

Excuse me, I'm going to go read Scientific American now.

Deb in the City

My thoughts on the Jan/Feb 2012 issue of Foreign Affairs

2012-01-21T17:43:00.000-05:00

I recommend everyone go out and buy this or get it out of your library. It's the 90th anniversary issue, and about half of it is a retrospective in clips about the challenges to liberal democracy, why it eventually won and what it faces in the 21st century.

This is not a perfect issue. Voter turnout in the United States has been falling since 1960- and the fall was from less than 63%. Foreign Affairs does not address this, and as far as I'm concerned you can't assess whether liberal democracy is living up to its initial promises if less than 60% of the eligible population votes.

I also find it amazing that Asia isn't mentioned until we get to current events. Was Japan so unimportant during these last 90 years? Is China so unimportant now? Latin America and Africa don't rate a mention at all. I think "euro-centric" would be an appropriate adjective for this issue.

Much of the other half of the issue is about currency. Once again, a lot of time is spent on the euro. It doesn't look good here, and it doesn't look good in any current reports. Don't get too excited about the yuan either.

This page contains links to the first half of the issue, "How We Got Here". If you still believed that people didn't fully know what was going on in Europe in the 1930s- in the 1920s- these snippets will disabuse you of that quickly. Some of this was also chilling: it is impossible not to see parallels to our present.

Some of the most note-worthy:

The Philosophic Basis of Fascism, by Giovanni Gentile, a Fascist apologist, in January of 1928:

... For freedom can exist only within the State, and the State means authority. . . .

Liberalism broke the circle above referred to, setting the individual against the State and liberty against authority. What the liberal desired was liberty as against the State, a liberty which was a limitation of the State. . . . Fascism has its own solution of the paradox of liberty and authority. The authority of the State is absolute. It does not compromise, it does not bargain, it does not surrender any portion of its field to other moral or religious principles which may interfere with the individual conscience. But on the other hand, the State becomes a reality only in the consciousness of its individuals. And the Fascist corporative State supplies a representative system more sincere and more in touch with realities than any other previously devised and is therefore freer than the old liberal State.

Radical Forces in Germany, by Erich Koch-Weser, in April of 1931:

Greater danger is threatening at the present time from the National Socialists, popularly called the Nazis. This movement comprises the large ranks of the disinherited and the déclassés -- middle-class citizens, officials, officers and landowners. All of these deserve our sympathy and pity. Enormous numbers of them have been uprooted from a satisfactory social position by war, revolution and inflation, and thrust out to seek an uncertain and penurious existence. . . . The success of the party lies principally in the fact that those who belong to it despair of ever again being able to win a substantial share of the goods of this world or to secure a higher post than the one they fill today.

The Position and Prospects of Communism, by Harold Laski, in October of 1932:

Men, in short, accept a capitalist society no longer because they believe in it, but because of the material benefits it professes to confer. Once it ceases to confer them, it cannot exercise its old magic over men's minds. . . . Once its success is a matter of dubiety, those who do not profit by its results inevitably turn to alternative ways of life. They realize that the essence of a capitalist society is its division into a small number of rich men and a great mass of poor men. They see not only the existence of a wealthy class which lives without the performance of any socially useful function; they realize also that it is inherent in such a society that there should be no proportion between effort and reward. . . .

The Reconstruction of Liberalism, by C.H. McIlwain, in October of 1937:

Under laissez-faire and our distorted notions of contract, a lunatic may be protected against the results of his agreement, but of economic inequalities the law can never take notice -- De minimis non curat lex; there is little or no safeguard for the weak against the strong; protection of the public against an adulterated product would be unthinkable -- Caveat emptor.

Now this is a return toward Hobbes's "war of every man against every man," without the equality that Hobbes premised. Yet, we are told, the state cannot and should not do anything about it. State interference in such matters would be a violation of a sacred right. What a caricature of liberalism! . . .

Freedom and Control, by Geoffrey Crowther, in January of 1944

...If we are realistic, we shall recognize... that there is a great deal in the circumstances of our century that leads straight to Fascism. The enormous development in the technique of propaganda and advertising, in the power to sway the minds of people in the mass, plays straight into the hands of the would-be dictator or any other manipulator who, for large ends or small, seeks to muddy the waters of democracy. The growth of large-scale industry, the need for gigantic aggregations of capital, the implications of a maximum employment policy -- all these create the danger of a concentration of economic power. The technique of modern war, with its emphasis on the possession of certain complicated weapons which only a handful of highly industrialized states can produce, makes the small nations, or even the league of small nations, quite helpless, and compels the Great Powers to devote quite unprecedented proportions of their resources to the barren purposes of war. We cannot abolish these things, we cannot dodge them. . . . The plain truth is that Hitler has an answer to the problems of the twentieth century and we, as yet, have not. It follows that whatever happens in the present war, Hitler will be hot on our heels for the rest of our lives. We shall have to think very fast, and run very fast, to keep ahead of him. One slip, one stumble, and he will be on our necks.

The Return of Authoritarian Great Powers, by Azar Gat, in July/August of 2007

...Together, the Soviet Union and China were larger and thus had the potential to be more powerful than the democratic capitalist camp. Ultimately, they failed because their economic systems limited them, whereas the nondemocratic capitalist powers, Germany and Japan, were defeated because they were too small. Contingency played a decisive role in tipping the balance against the nondemocratic capitalist powers and in favor of the democracies. . . .

"Time to Attack Iran" is stunning; the author seems to be arguing that we can attack Iran's nuclear facilities and control their response, but he does a poor job explaining why. This article did nothing to convince me that we should, indeed, attack Iran.

"Talking Tough to Pakistan"... yes, they've lied to us, but I'm bothered that this doesn't address or acknowledge complaints Pakistanis have against the United States and that many sincerely do not trust us. Should we be getting more for our aid? I'd love to, but so far muscular diplomacy isn't working too well for us.

"Balancing the East, Upgrading the West" disappointed me a little bit. There were virtually no data points to back up many Brzezinski's statements (and it pains me to say that, because I always get excited when I listen to him on talk shows). However, it's impossible to deny his basic points, i.e. that China and the US can't ignore each other and that what happens to one reverberates onto the other. He also made the softest argument I've seen yet for backing off from Taiwan: they're inevitably going to move closer to China, and that process has already started. Hmm.

The articles on currency don't tell a consistent story, but that's not a criticism. The first piece makes a convincing case for why Europe wasn't ready for a unified currency and that Greece and ultimately Europe's best shot is if Greece reverts back to the drachma. Having watched this debacle for the last six or seven months and not seen a credible solution, sign me up. The next piece makes the argument that the stability of the euro (as well as the dollar) is essential to keeping our worldwide currency system up. I'm not convinced, but it does explain pretty well how our systems collapsed in the 1930s and didn't in the 1970s. The last article is about the yuan. As I said, don't get excited about that currency overtaking the dollar as the default reserve currency. Hurray! The dollar remains king... but no one should throw a party over an inflated yuan.

Go read this, even if you're not going to agree.

Deb in the City

My thoughts on the Nov/Dec 2011 issue of Foreign Affairs

2012-01-05T23:30:00.001-05:00

Did I mention that my interview with Charles Mann, author of 1491 and 1493, is up on my writing blog? It is! Please go read, then go read his book.

When I finally treated myself to an issue of Foreign Affairs this summer, I felt like I'd found my home. Between this publication and Agatha Christie, this was a delicious summer.

I finally finished the Nov/Dec 2011 issue, just in time to start digging into the Jan/Feb 2012 issue. (Hey, it's not all my thought- the first issue was a month late.) I share here my brief thoughts on the articles and essays. I'm throwing in links, even though some of them are only available for "premium users". They're worth a read, even you end up at your library (which I never think is a bad idea).

The title of this issue is "Is America Over?" This makes you think that most of it is going to be about the US in decline, but it's not. I come away from this feeling like we're still much better off than almost anywhere else and will probably stay that way for quite some time.

The Problem Is Palestinian Rejectionism: Some background about and ramifications of the refusal to recognize Israel as a Jewish state. For what it's worth, I don't think this should be a make or break issue.

Israel's Bunker Mentality: ... but Israel has problems of it's own. Some uncomfortable statistics about the mistreatment of Arab Israelis. Not surprisingly, I see parallels in the US right now... speaking of uncomfortable.

The Broken Contract: Here's the meat of "Is America Over?", and if this is all they've got, I'm not too worried. I thought this was the lightest piece of the issue, but the insights into the shift in 1978 are interesting.

The Wisdom of Retrenchment: Do we need to go in with guns blazing for everything? No, and the costs of doing so are outweighing the benefits. (Would "no kidding?" be too cheeky?)

Humanitarian Intervention Comes of Age: Advocates continued aid in situations like Libya. I might have felt better about this if it had dissected why some areas have been considered more worthy of aid than others. (Is it too cynical to use the word "oil"?) This piece also reminds us that our failures in the 90s are still felt today (Somalia and Rwanda especially, but to some extent even the former Yugoslavia).

The True Costs of Humanitarian Intervention: This piece reminds us that even our "successful" interventions were not without a price.

Can Europe's Divided House Stand?: When this went to press, the eurozone was a mess. As I write this some three months later, the eurozone is still a mess, and there's some history explaining how we got here in the first place. As with the US, it wasn't just inadequate laws, it was also inadequate enforcement. This piece suggests a mix of better enforcement and better policy, but it's going to take a long time.

Why We Still Need Nuclear Power: Why? Because it's cheap and less polluting... provided we don't have a disaster. In fairness, I have to agree that many of the accidents could be prevented with better design and regulation (did I mention that "regulation" became one of my favorite words in 2011?). A big problem we face in the US is the storage of nuclear waste. Interestingly, no mention here of peak uranium.

The Dying Bear: Russia is in a demographic quagmire and it's affecting public health and education, among other things. The article ends with the warning that these trends could create an unstable rogue state, but frankly I think that's wishful thinking. Everything was easier when we could fear the USSR- er, Russia.

Is Indonesia Bound for the BRICs?: In a word, no. Yeah, they've got some good stats, but they've also got endemic corruption and a decaying infrastructure.

The Sick Man of Asia: Next time any of us want to complain about our healthcare system, take a look at China, shudder, then be very grateful. (Maybe I feel this way because I live in Massachusetts?) They've got both infectious and chronic diseases; the incidences of diabetes and depression are shockingly high, and the loss of productivity due to illness from smoking is mind-boggling. Some insight into why Falun Gong became so popular and so irksome to the Chinese government. My tangent: we've been touting alternative medicine in this country for approximately the same amount of time the modern Chinese have. I'm guessing, after reading this, that most people in China would be ecstatic to have Western medicine.

Counterrevolution in Kiev: Oh, Ukraine- having alienated your own population, you're not going to be able to play the EU and Russia off of each other very well.

Worth a read. Excuse me for a bit while I read the next edition. I'm curious to see what contemporaries thought of Lenin, Mussolini, Hitler and Stalin- I'm sure I'll be disappointed.

Deb in the City

RIP Gordon Hirabayashi

2012-01-04T21:12:00.000-05:00

My husband and I hadn't gotten out of bed this morning when we learned of the passing of Gordon Hirabayashi. As a young man in 1942, he stood against Executive Order 9066, which authorized the internment of Japanese Americans on the West Coast. And well he should have. He hadn't done anything wrong.

Unfortunately, innocence wasn't enough to protect him and others like him. By "others like him", I mean people of Japanese ancestry. And why should it have been? Being an American citizen wasn't enough to allow him or the others due process.

My husband read the obituary to me and I had a horrible thought. Oh my God- Hirabayashi v. The United States hadn't been overturned. Had this been cited in anything?

Yes it had- Clarence Thomas had cited it in his dissent in Hamdi v. Rumsfeld. I mean, okay, let's put this into perspective: first, it's Clarence Thomas; second, it was a dissent. But the fact that it hasn't been overturned made my face turn white.

Famously, the survivors of the internment received an apology and reparations, and we like to tell ourselves that Earl Warren, one of the masterminds behind the scheme, felt so burdened by the guilt of what he had done that he became the Chief Justice who presided over cases like Brown v. The Board of Education. Didn't this all, in the end, come out well?

Hell no.

You have to read the decision to understand why it is so galling that this is, in some way, still on our books. It's not just that they punt their responsibility to disagree with Congress and the President; it's not just that they shrug and say, dude, this is war, respect the military's judgment. It's not the ridiculous suspicion that the Japanese language school many children went to was a conduit for pro-Japanese propaganda. It's not even that they bemoan the "melancholy resemblance" to what the Nazis were doing to the Jews and sign on to do it anyway. It's that they say, yes, under normal circumstances, it's really terrible to have laws that discriminate against one "race"- but these are not normal circumstances.

Normal circumstances... In my lifetime, we've had approximately one decade of "normal", between the end of the Cold War and the beginning of The War on Terror. The same can be said for my parents, who were born the year the Hirabayashi decision came out. There is almost always something taking place which is so dangerous and extraordinary that it's worth suspending the liberties we are supposedly guaranteed in our constitution. (For what it's worth, I would point out that the constitution and the rights within it were written by people who themselves lived through extraordinary times.)

What good is an official apology and even reparations if you don't change the laws?

If Obama hadn't signed the National Defense Authorization Act last week, albeit with "serious reservations", I might not take Hirabayashi's passing so hard. I might be able to celebrate that this man suffered, fought and won guarantees of civil rights for all of us. But I can't. Almost 70 years after over 100,000 people were removed from their homes for the accident of their ancestry, we're still arguing over whether we have the right to detain people without due process. It's a shame there isn't some kind of document with a set of principles that could help us settle the matter.

Oh yeah.

Rest in peace, Gordon Hirabayashi. Thank you for your courage. The fight's on us now.

Deb in the City

Promises for 2012

2011-12-30T19:04:00.000-05:00

First: part of the reason I didn't post even a little drive by last week was that I was away in New York. It's not just that I was away from my usual writing desk (couch), it's that I didn't want to alert people to the fact that my home was empty. I'm getting paranoid in my old age- sad. Other than that, I had a wonderful time seeing my adorable new niece and nephew; unlike many people, I enjoy infants. I also loved being able to see my not-as-new nieces and three of my sisters.

We finally got to have the Jewish Christmas of my dreams, and what better place than NYC? There was Chinese food and a movie- plus a lot of whining. Well, nothing's perfect.

I have a new interview up at my writing site with the author of The Great Fat Fraud. The last two months have found me looking at fat prejudice, and it's ugly and everywhere. The hysteria is also ridiculous. Mom is now responsible for childhood obesity- but you knew that! And you also knew that dad wasn't getting any scrutiny at all, right? That's okay, neither were socioeconomic indicators. Come on, folks- it's the 21st century and we have better tools at our disposal than the good crew of the original Starship Enterprise. How about everyone makes one of their new year's resolutions using that technology better to find out real fact and weed out hype?

Second: I look through my stats and I have a pretty good idea of where people are reading. Sure, everyone has readers in the US and Canada, but how many of you have readers in Singapore, China and Russia, hmm? (No, seriously- how many? I don't know if this is a "thing".) Anyway, more importantly, I know what you people really want. You don't care about my musings about politics nearly as much as you do about food. My post, years ago, about microwave buttercream frosting is it, followed by vegan gluten-free bread and cake pops- and that's even with my lousy food styling. Alright peeps- I believe in giving the people what they want as long as it isn't crazy and wrong. So I will tease you only a little bit in telling you that I have made my vegan gluten-free bread recipe even better and I will post it soon. Why don't I just post it now? Because I don't want to post something until I've made it three times- and well. I also thought I'd, you know, try and take a good picture. But I should be able to get that up within the first few weeks of January, and you'll be pleased. It uses fewer ingredients, and we're all about simple here.

I also promise that I will give you recipes and pictures of some of 2011's greatest hits, including rice and green peas, cream spinach, broccoli in broth and barbecue tofu or tempeh. They're simple but really good, and I know people need that. However, I'm not going to bs anybody and promise that my simple, delicious- and of course vegan, gluten-free- recipes are so quick and healthy that they'll change your life and allow you to finally do all of that home-cooking you've been meaning to get to. Is anyone else sick of being told how bad you are when you use a mix or some other kind of convenience? I don't use too many of them, but I'm pretty much done with people being demonized for it. More on that later.

But perhaps the biggest change of all is that I am going to return to my very mundane roots and talk more about organizing my home. I feel better about my home, but there's still work to be done. Trying to decide on whether to switch bedrooms. This would be a no-brainer- our bedroom is bigger and there's only two of us- save for the fact that our bedroom has a northern exposure. Did I mention I live in Boston? I feel it. I think I'd rather have them feel cramped and warm than spread out and cold- I think.

I leave you and 2011 with a random confession and observation: I've been watching a lot of the old Rockford Files and the new Hawaii Five-O. I never thought I would miss the Seventies.

See you next year,
Deb in the City

What Would Vaclav Havel Do?

2011-12-18T13:53:00.001-05:00

I am having one of those moments in which I feel like I am on another planet. Yesterday, I realized what it was: a lot of people have forgotten the Eighties and I haven't.

There's stuff we should cringe about: neon, tapered jeans, mousse and shoulder pads are not cultural high points. Neither was being in love with Reagan. But since many of those things have come back- kids, you now call them "skinny jeans" and "jeggings", but Gen X knows what they really are- let's bring back some of the moments that had merit.

There was some idiot talk about "Red Spread", but even a sixteen-year-old in 1989 knew that was bs. For the most part, we looked at 1950s McCarthyism and shuddered. There were things we really didn't like, but what made "us" better than "them" was the fact that we had certain freedoms. You could talk about Communism, Socialism, animal rights, feminism and a host of other unpopular topics and it was okay. People might judge you and even discriminate against you for it, and of course that's never okay, but we didn't suffer LEGAL consequences. What made "us" better was that we could exercise our First Amendment Rights and, as long as we didn't yell "Fire!" or threaten an elected official, we weren't supposed to get into any trouble.

In truth, as vile as the McCarthy persecutions were, the same thing was basically true there. Don't get me wrong- there was a lot of slander and libel flying around in the Fifties, and reputations and careers were ruined for years if not lifetimes. That is shameful. But as awful as that period was, the real abuses weren't in courts of law but hearings in Congress. People were executed for being spies, they weren't tried for writing pamphlets. "Comfort and aid" was held to a higher standard.

I think about this for two reasons.

A man named Tarek Mehanna has been tried in my state, Massachusetts, for conspiracy to provide material support to Al Qaeda and to help them kill in a foreign country. Frankly, I can't believe this case ever made it to the courts. Apparently he went to Yemen to look for an Al Qaeda training camp and didn't find one. He returned home and then began to write in support of Al Qaeda, even going so far as to distribute pamphlets. To my ears, this guy sounds like a loser and someone I'd want to avoid, but not someone I'd want to put behind bars. For the same reason I don't want to put idiot Neo-Nazi kids or Communists behind bars. If it's just words and we're not talking about a school yard, there's no harm. I will go further: we're better off in a civilization where there can be a free flow of ideas, even if I find some of them stupid.

I hope that Mehanna is found not guilty. The consequences of a guilty verdict will be devastating to the American way of life. I don't cling to cultural traditions, but I do cling to laws.

My other trigger? God, I am so sick of hearing other Democrats act like they are Cassandras as they warn people not to complain about Obama. At least when the Bush supporters did it, they accused people like me of being straight up treasonous for daring to criticize The President, time of war or not. But if you criticize Obama for not being as progressive/left/protective of the Constitution, you are making it possible for the extreme Right Wing of the Republican party to regain control of the country. (Here is just one example of such brilliance- I can't bear to post more.)

That totally makes sense, right? Because Romney is the front-runner and has been since this thing got started. (Newt Gingrich is imploding as I write, and while I am pretty sure that we will see a Santorum surge before the nomination is locked up- we have to- I promise you, Romney will be the nominee.) Remember the former governor of Massachusetts? Is there anyone anywhere who is genuinely concerned that he is going to be anywhere near the right-wing of anything? I'm not going to write anything in support of him- I haven't forgiven him for the bs he pulled with the public defenders in Massachusetts in 2003- but he wasn't monstrous. I've heard Democrats in my state take more conservative positions on abortion and immigration than he has.

In other words, give me a break that my complaints or condemnations of Obama are going to turn is into some kind of totalitarian nightmare. If support for Obama is so thin that it can't withstand complaints from his own party, we have a much bigger problem.

As I was thinking about these issues, I was heartbroken to hear that Vaclav Havel died this weekend. I read an interview with him in Michael Till's book, Conversations with Power, last year. He did an excellent job of articulating the stifling intellectual and mental climate Soviet totalitarianism bred. For some of the regimes behind the Iron Curtain, it was not enough that people should act in compliance with the laws. They had to think as they were told. It is difficult to condemn a nation of people for organizing their thoughts as they were told to when the Soviet Army was always thisclose to them. That Havel insisted on thinking for himself in spite of the threats to his safety is extraordinary.

Extraordinary, because he was a young man in Cold War Czechoslovakia. But thinking and speaking for ourselves in the United States should be an ordinary, every day occurrence.

You may criticize Obama, Clinton, Kennedy, Warren, Patrick, Menino, Yoon, The Patriot Act, The National Defense Authorization Act, Roe v. Wade, my favorite historical figure, the actions of the American government or anything else that irks you. Not because I give you permission, but because this does. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

Deb in the City

In 2012

2011-12-16T19:02:00.002-05:00

I've been saying for weeks that I have mixed feelings about the Occupy movement. On the one hand, I share their outrage and I'm glad that people are finally out there en masse protesting the corrupt plutocracy my country has become. On the other hand, I've been disappointed that I haven't heard specific requests. Why didn't people attach a list of specific reforms of financial and mortgage regulations to Occupy Wall Street? Because yes, there are lots of other things, but those were major contributors to our most recent crisis. The lack of specificity has disturbed me. What does outrage do after a while?

I have, therefore, joined others in the hope that the people who turn out at these protests will turn up at the polls in November. A lot of people saw this moment coming in 1988 when just over 50% of eligible voters turned out for the general election. (Frankly, looking at this data, I wouldn't get excited about anything after 1968, the last time over 60% of eligible voters turned out.) I don't think it's a huge leap of cynicism to say that those low numbers reflect a perceived lack of good options. (See: 1996.) If we want a change in the system, we have to vote.

Or not.

I was not in love with Barak Obama in 2007 or 2008. I wanted Gore, then I wanted Edwards, then I wanted Clinton. I voted for Obama because he was the only Democrat left and I did not want McCain- or Palin. I found his speeches about a post-racial and -partisan country fascinating but completely out of touch with the facts on the ground. I didn't buy his hype and I don't care how many people were singing songs about him.

But you know what I did buy? Explicit promises about closing Guantanamo. The Bush Administration made me feel like I was living in a surreal movie that inverted almost everything about my country that I was grateful for. Most of it can be summed up as the extension of executive privilege combined with dysfunctional nationalism. We were an international embarrassment who flaunted the Geneva Convention and our own Constitution. What I thought this president would do is restore our legal standing in the world.

He has not. Guantanamo has not been closed, and Obama will not veto a bill that calls for indefinite detention. I don't care if it's horse trading or cowardice- this is his watch.

Consider me done. I am not going to fill in the box next to his name in November. I am not. I will write in, most probably, Hilary Clinton. Obama had his chance with me and he has made the decision that my support can be taken for granted. No, it can't.

I haven't believed in any one person for a long time (did I mention that I'm 39?). But I have never come this close to not believing in the basic promise of our democracy.

Deb in the City

Don’t get smacked by Boston's Fat Smack campaign

2011-11-26T08:25:00.001-05:00

If you livein Boston and take public transportation, you’ve probably seen the posters inthe stations and on the trains that show a young, attractive, African-Americanteenager holding a bottled beverage and wincing/giggling as they get or areabout to get, literally, smacked by a glob offat. (I’m pretty sure they’re usingfake fat- no real fat was harmed in the creation of this advertisement.)

In case it’snot clear, this is part of a public health campaign to get kids off of sugarydrinks. It’s true- excess sugar canprovide excess calories, which can lead to excess weight and fat. It’s a reasonable message- I just don’tapprove of how it’s being communicated.

Here is adata point from the website: obesitycosts our health care system $147 billion per year. As the site points out, that’s the amount ofmoney it would cost to buy everyone in the country an iPad 2. Wow- that’s a lot of money!

This is the abstract of the studythey used:

In 1998 the medical costs of obesity wereestimated to be as high as $78.5 billion, with roughly half financed byMedicare and Medicaid. This analysis presents updated estimates of the costs ofobesity for the United States across payers (Medicare, Medicaid, and privateinsurers), in separate categories for inpatient, non-inpatient, andprescription drug spending. We found that the increased prevalence of obesityis responsible for almost $40 billion of increased medical spending through2006, including $7 billion in Medicare prescription drug costs. We estimatethat the medical costs of obesity could have risen to $147 billion per year by2008.

A couple of things:

First, $147 billion is an estimate.

Second, the clock of this study starts at1998. That’s a very interesting year, because it was in 1998 that the definition of overweight and obesity wasrevised downward. With that change, millions of Americans whohad been considered overweight suddenly became obese. In other words, the sample of people youwould look at to find health problems attached to the obese population becamemuch larger after 1998. Did they findmore health problems and costs because those people really became legitimatelyunhealthier, or because there were simply more of them?

Third, there is another interesting year in thestory of obesity: 2004. That’s theyear that the CDC published a study that said that obesity was responsible forup to 400,000 deaths in the year 2000 alone. Wow! Well, suddenly, weight went from an esthetic issue to a huge healththreat. Some people might be motivatedto lose weight who weren’t before (because, you know, they’re more concernedabout their health than they are what other people think about theirappearance). Call me crazy, but that mightlead to an increase in prescriptions for weight loss drugs or even stomachreduction surgery, and those just might be factored into the increased costs ofobesity four years later in 2008.

There’s just one thing about that CDC study: it was roundly criticizedby such varied outlets as Science Magazine,TheAmerican Journal of Public Health, and the Wall Street Journal. In 2005, the Journal of the American MedicalAssociation publisheda study which showed that mortality associated with obesity to be one-fourth(25%) of what the CDC study showed. (I feel it’s worth noting here that being overweight was NOT associatedwith mortality.)

I bet most readers “know” all about how dangerous obesity is,but they hadn’t heard about what Science, the American Journal of PublicHealth, the WSJ and JAMA had to say on the matter. Well, we all know if it bleeds, it leads. But is that fair to the kids who are thetarget audience of the Fat Smack ad campaign?

There are great reasons to avoid sugary drinks: they’reexpensive and they contribute to tooth decay. If you have a family history of Type 2 Diabetes, avoiding excess sugaris a good idea. But encouraging ahealthy behavior by preying on a fear our young people have about appearance isa bad idea, and using bad science to justify it is even worse.

Let’s do better for our kids.

Deb in the City

Yesterday was a good day

2011-11-17T07:59:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to get the kids out of the house more these days. Being sick for two weeks can really make you appreciate the great outdoors, and here's a shout out to our lousy regulations for creating the conditions that allowed us to experience temperatures in the fifties and sixties this week. In November. In the Northeast. Thanks for thinking of me, peeps!

Don't fret though- it rained yesterday. A lot. Because that's what it's going to do before it turns on the winter ugliness (remember the inability to walk on streets because of the piles of snow last year? I do.).

Despite the rain, we managed to be out a lot yesterday. First a trip to Brookline so Jaz could give a piano lesson to a friend of Simon and Jacob's. They managed to amuse themselves for the hour with the younger siblings, so it was a perfect little playdate. Afterwards, we walked to the Mass. Ave. Orange Line stop, because we're walkers. Of course, being children who were exerting themselves, they demanded food immediately, and I caved. Almost $10 later for snacks, I resolved that we would not be caught like that again. I am happy to report that today we now have homemade spinach and chocolate croissants, inspired by the Pain Au Chocolat recipe in Babycakes NYC's second cookbook. (People, I will get absolutely nothing if you buy these cookbooks, but using someone else's recipe on my blog without permission is just wrong- don't let anyone tell you otherwise.)

We came home for lunch (food, kids, yada yada), but the boys were insistent that they wanted to cash in the coupons they got when we trick or treated at JP Licks. Since we are NEVER going to trick or treat again- did I mention how sick we got from being out in the cold that night?- I said sure. But first I insisted we go to the library for their reading and crafting event that takes place every Wednesday afternoon. They agreed even though it was starting to rain heavily- the power of ice cream.

I love "the event" at our library- I'm not one of those parents that stresses about their child's need to socialize, but I do like giving them activities to do. And while I do enjoy an hour of quiet alone time, I'm more tickled that they've gotten to the point that they don't need me to supervise them. Independence feels good.

We walked in the rain to the ice cream shop, and shockingly it wasn't crowded. (Imagine people not wanting ice cream on a drizzly night!) The boys enjoyed picking their ice cream flavors (lactose-free vanilla for Jacob and oreo for Simon) and cones. They found some very nice seats and I watched them carefully eat their cones. (How independent are they? There were no ice cream cone mishaps- that's a big deal folks.)

They were excited but content, talkative but not too loud. They were happy.

If I have to take them out for hours at a time every day to achieve that, I'm happy to do so.

Deb in the City

Vegan, gluten-free cake pops

2011-11-12T21:52:00.001-05:00

For the lovely K. E. Bergdoll

First, you should know, these aren't the greatest pictures. My daughter is an excellent photographer, but there was only so much she could do with the lighting and the admittedly unpolished finished product, especially when she has to work quickly so her "model" won't melt. But I wanted to get these up here to prove that, indeed, we made vegan gluten-free cake pops.

Jacob developed a little addiction to these things at Starbucks. (Oh, it's always Starbucks, isn't it?) He's the one with the dairy and wheat problem, so this is really bad. And while they're relatively inexpensive as those treats go, I hated paying $1.50 for what amounts to 1/3 of a slice of cake.

I got an inkling that I could maybe do this when I got the first Babycakes NYC book last year and saw the cupcake crumbs recipe, but I wasn't sure. I had no idea how many websites (!) were devoted to cake pops until last weekend, when I stumbled upon The Kitchn via Apartment Therapy (don't judge me, okay?). What was one of their top recipes? Cake pops.

I know when I'm called.

FYI, you can totally do this with chocolate chips alone, but my son likes the ones with the pink coating. *Sigh* I could order vegan white chocolate chips, but I hate mail ordering. So on Friday, on a whim, I checked into The Butcherie in Brookline, the closest Kosher grocery store I know of, and found vegan white chocolate chips. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! That's an "oh my God!" for each bag I purchased. I had to restrain myself from also buying the coffee chocolate chips and spending a lot of time looking for other goodies.

So you know, these suckers melt very well. I was nervous because an online reviewer had said they didn't do anything, but he or she was wrong.

This was pretty straightforward. We used the vegan, gluten-free vanilla cupcakes recipe from Babycakes NYC (go buy the book- I'm not sliming off of someone else's recipe), then let it cool so we could add in coconut oil, salt and agave to make the crumbs (again, it's in the book). We rolled that into balls (the balls were between 1 and 2 tablespoons), stuck lollipop sticks into them, then froze them while we melted the chocolate. (If you're really not going to buy the book, go check out some of Babycakes' videos to get an idea of how to make these.)

(FYI, I found the lollipop sticks at Party Favors in Brookline. They have so much in their small bakery section, I thought for sure I would find donut pans too, but alas no. I did score some muffin liners and a new pastry bag and spent a long time staring at cookie cutters.)

We *did* end up using chocolate chips as well as white chocolate, but it wouldn't have been the same (for Jacob) without the white chocolate. The chocolates were melted- separately- over a double boiler and cut with some coconut oil- we used 1 cup of chocolate to 2 tablespoons of coconut oil, but we probably could have used a bit less. The oil makes it smoother when melted and seems to make it harden more evenly.

After about 20 minutes, we took the cake balls out, dipped them in the chocolates and returned them to the freezer for another 20 minutes. And then they were consumed as if they were bread crumbs and my children were pigeons. Who am I kidding? My children are pigeons.

Are these not the prettiest photos you've ever seen? They're not- but you try dipping cake balls into chocolate while three children are hovering over you. Or don't, because I'm sure I will soon. If they look any better, I'll try to take a picture before they're all eaten.

Deb in the City

Sometimes less is more

2011-11-07T11:10:00.001-05:00

Please allow me my random observations. I'm not well this week.

And I mean random:

I like hot drinks, but caffeine makes me nauseous. So I'm all about tea, hot chocolate and steamers. I used to like cafes- I used to like Starbucks- but with four kids I just can't afford them like I used to. Fortunately, making hot chocolate is not the most difficult thing in the world, and I've been known to do it frequently. Heat the milk, mix the cocoa with the sweetener and vanilla, then slowly combine. Oh, what creamy goodness.

Except... the four kids get in the way again. If they see me with hot chocolate, they want some too. Which is fine, except that five- or six- hot chocolates usually uses up the majority of a carton of coconut or rice milk. One time, not surprisingly, I found myself short. In semi-desperation, I made the hot chocolate with hot water and then added about a third of the amount of milk I usually do.

You know what? It was better.

I was kind of astounded. I am emphatically not in the low-fat camp. When I ate dairy, I totally went for the full-fat version. Be satisfied, or don't bother. (Of course, I should note that I don't have a cholesterol problem or any other chronic health issue, so my observations should be taken as just that.) I still believe that, but I have to admit that sometimes fat doesn't just carry, it overwhelms flavor. Huh.

As I said, I haven't been well this week. (Mental note: don't take children trick or treating next year- as unwell as I feel, Simon is much worse.) This has led to quite a bit of tea- so much so that by Saturday at 1 PM I had consumed five very large mugs of tea. Herbal/medicinal tea as well as black tea. (We ran out of green tea a few days ago, and I don't like the kind of red tea we have.) Understandably, I wasn't too keen on it yesterday.

Does anyone else get nostalgic when they don't feel well? As I was sniffling, I remembered a simpler time in 2006 when I happily wrote about replacing my favorite Starbucks drinks with General Mills International Coffee mixes. Oh, those were the days, when I could pick something up like that so easily! It's the simple, stupid things that I can't have anymore that I miss sometimes.

Well, I hate being nostalgic. After I took Simon to his doctor's appointment, I took him to pick up some soymilk powder at our food co-op. The next day, after I dropped Jazmyn off at her orchestra rehearsal- there is no rest for the weary if you happen to have children as well- I picked up some instant decaf coffee at Starbucks, then kicked myself when I realized I could have picked up something similar at a supermarket. Next time.

Once at home, I mixed soymilk powder, cocoa, sugar- yes, sugar- and instant coffee, gave it a stir, and voila- instant mocha powder. I heated up some water then put in two big tablespoons. A little more sugar. Okay. Hmm. Something was not quite right, but it was good enough.

By the third cup- did I mention my cold?- I'd figured it out: my big mug needed one tablespoon not two. And then it was very good.

Less is more.

Instant Vegan Decaf Mocha Mix

3/4 cup Better Than Milk Soymilk Powder

1/2 cup Cocoa (I used the Trader Joe's brand)

1/2 cup to 3/4 cup sugar (you decide how sweet you want it)

12 Starbucks Via decaf packets or 1.4 oz of other instant coffee

(Yes, you can use dairy milk powder, or rice milk powder. Yes, you can use fully caffeinated coffee powder. Cinnamon and/or nutmeg could be added as well, if you're that way. If you use fake sweetener, I don't want to know about it.)

Combine well- this can be stirred, it does not need to be blended- and store at room temperature.

To serve, heat 1 1/2 cups water and combine with 1 rounded tablespoon.

Enjoy,

Deb in the City

"Papers, please"

2011-10-26T23:58:00.000-04:00

I wrote last week about some of the harassment my children and I have been subjected to on the MBTA (I didn't go into the four other similar incidents that have happened in the last year) and an assault we witnessed. I cross-posted this on my local Patch site. Most of the reactions I received- publicly and privately- were what you would expect when someone tells you that bad things have happened to them multiple times. "I'm so sorry," sums it up. I thank those people for their kindness.

But there were a couple of people who were not satisfied that there wasn't more to the story. Wasn't there some way that I was contributing to this? When they seemed to be convinced that, indeed, I wasn't doing anything more than trying to enter a train station with my children, they could not understand why I wouldn't simply bring a copy of my child's birth certificate with me to end the harassment.

Because.

The regulations of the MBTA do NOT require me to show any identification when I bring my underage child with me. Period. In fact, scroll all the way to the bottom of that page- you will see that it says "No ID required." When I called to complain about the employee who harassed us, the customer service people assured me as they apologized that this was indeed the case. I am deeply offended by the suggestion that I should have had to have taken this extra step to get the treatment I deserved in the first place.

But... I considered doing so for one moment, then discarded the idea. If they're going to think I'm a liar, why couldn't I also be a forger? In the age of the digital computing, how hard would it be to alter a document? I'm sure some people would be satisfied, but I'm also sure some wouldn't. If they don't take my word for it when I'm asked, why are they going to believe a piece of paper?

The comment that really made me choke though was when someone said that (and I paraphrase) showing ID to get my daughter on a train shouldn't be a big deal because we have to show ID when we go to vote. No, we don't, but some are trying to change that.

I live in Massachusetts. I know you know, but I want to repeat that. While I find many faults with my fair state, we do a bunch of things right. One of them is not requiring voters to show ID at the polls. We are not the only state without this requirement, and unfortunately we are not the only state where this is under attack. As my friend Chris Matthews covered last week, two losers in New Bedford had tables at a polling center asking people to show their ID to vote, with a sign below that said the compliance was optional. The Secretary of State is not happy, and he shouldn't be. This is voter suppression. (Rachel Maddow picked up the story as well.)

I'm not worried about this happening again in Massachusetts, at least not in this election cycle. But as this site explains, this is a big, huge deal in many other states. This New York Times article also lays out some of the threats and implications- I think the loss of 800,000 voters in South Carolina and Texas is a big deal, no matter which party they might be inclined to vote for. (It kind of amazes me that the United States Supreme Court didn't think Indiana was violating the Voting Rights Act... until I remember the Citizens United decision. A corporation is a person, a person has to show ID to vote... does that mean a corporation can vote if it shows ID?)

Read this story about the 96-year-old woman in Tennessee who was denied a voter ID card because she didn't have her marriage certificate. God, what an idiot. What was she thinking, going somewhere without every last scrap of paper proving that she was indeed whom she said she was? And we should let her vote? What country do you live in?

Lucky me- I have my daughter's birth certificate. If I really needed to, I could show it to someone if I was legally required to do so. But I am not handing over anything before that and I'm going to do my damnedest to make sure that Dorothy Cooper and others like her won't have to either.

Why is this so important to me if it was just an MBTA ride? Because it was just an MBTA ride. My daughter shouldn't be held to a higher standard than I am when I go to vote, and she's not going to be while I have anything to say about it.

Deb in the City

It's rough out there

2011-10-20T17:09:00.000-04:00

And roughest for me when I'm out with my children.

- A few weeks ago, I took Jazmyn to her orchestra rehearsal at BU. When we entered a Green Line train station, I was accosted by two MBTA employees- one on duty, one off- that I needed to pay for Jazmyn. They were wrong- she was eleven. I told them as much. They demanded ID. I told them I didn't have to give it to them. They accused me of being a liar.

I walked down to the platform and fumed; Jazmyn handed me her phone so I could call and make a complaint. The Customer Service person was very apologetic and requested that I get the on-duty employee's badge number. He refused to give it to me.

My husband was incredulous that someone would treat us like that. Of course he was- he's a six-foot tall, white male- he would not have been treated like that. He went with me to try and get the man's badge number. The discussion degenerated to the point where my husband pressed an assault charge against the employee. I am not making this up.

Just this week we got a phone call that the employee had been suspended. Good... but not good. I don't want him to be suspended, I don't want him to lose his job, I don't want him to have something on his record. I want an apology from this guy.

- This Sunday, as Jazmyn and I were returning from her rehearsal, we were literally minding our own business and waiting to cross the street when a very hostile bicyclist asked me to move. "Ask" is too gentle a term- more like "ordered". When he addressed me, he called me a derogatory word for a female organ and modified it with a gerund that begins with "f".

This man was so hostile to a complete stranger that I immediately assumed a mental illness of some kind. I have told my children repeatedly that people like that should not be engaged because they are unpredictable. I did not take my own advice because 1) this man used those words 2) in front of my daughter. I told him not to talk to me like that. He asked me if I was going to get my "gang banger boyfriend". I told him I was married. He told me to go home; I told him to do the same. I was unharmed; I was lucky.

Once again, my husband was incredulous and outraged. Jazmyn, however, just might be used to this.

- I wasn't harassed today. Of course, because I didn't have Jazmyn with me, I had Simon. Instead, as the train pulled into the Chinatown stop, we saw one man get assaulted by five other men as he was trying to retrieve the phone they had stolen from him. I didn't know what was going on other than that it was one against five. I yelled for the men to stop (which, in retrospect, may not have been the best thing to do with Simon in tow). It wasn't until after they got on the train that I realized what had happened, but we couldn't stop the train. The young man filed a complaint, but the other men were off the train by the time they had located it.

Here's hoping that they can find the little bastards who did this on the basis of their Charlie Cards and the cameras at the train stop they exited. I do want to see these young men punished, not just because they committed an unarmed robbery, not just because they assaulted the man as he tried to get his property back, but because they were cruel and they were cruel in front of my seven year old son. I don't want to see them go to jail, but I want them to make up for it.

What are my children learning?

Deb in the City

Trust me, I'd rather have been blogging

2011-10-08T08:37:00.000-04:00

So... remember last week I told you about our encounter with pertussis? As you can imagine, that made for a really interesting week.

Jazmyn was signed up to begin a book group with some other homeschooled girls her age. It's a big deal that she wanted to do this at all- last year she was allergic to the idea. Given what happened, I asked the other parents to let me know if they were immunized. Two people wrote back. Several days later, I asked again. I'll spare the details, but people did not appreciate being asked. I'm going to compare the level of offense to asking someone's political affiliation or religion. Evidently, there are four things you don't talk about: sex, religion, politics and vaccination.

People get offended- whatever. What concerned me about the exchange was that I think people really don't understand why I at least think I have an interest. The question seems to be "If you're vaccinated, why does it matter if I am?"

It matters. NPR does a better job explaining than I'm about to, but it has to do with the development of immunity and how long the vaccination lasts. Even children who get the shots are vulnerable before the age of five. At about five, their immunity has kicked in. (Which is why our pediatricians' office was not worried at all about Simon and Jacob, and why they don't have any symptoms.) However, the vaccine's effect fades, and by the age of twelve, they're vulnerable if they don't get a booster. Unfortunately, Michael and I had not gotten a booster. This is why I- and my sons- spent last weekend at home, I spent Sunday night feverish and not at the political event I wanted to go to and Michael couldn't do any work on Thursday. You see, I was given Zithromax, which is finished in five days. For a number of reasons, he can't take that drug so he was given Bactrim. (I actually have no idea why anyone gives anyone else Bactrim for anything, because in my experience it doesn't work, but that's another story.) Upshot: Michael is still sick.

We, the adults who make things go in our house, have lost some time, productivity and money, but we'll live through it. Even untreated, we'd have lived through it (probably). As would my almost-twelve year old and my seventeen year old. Even the seven year old twins would probably have lived through it if unvaccinated (although asthmatic little Jacob, who suffered a fit of asthma on Thursday after we walked by someone smoking, is more vulnerable). But you know who might not? My tiny little nephew and niece who are coming to visit the States in December. They will only be five months old. Jazmyn agreed with me that her cousins- and her father- are more important than a book group she would participate in once or twice per month and is fine not participating.

It's fine... but it's not. It's nothing short of prejudice to assume that because one member of a group did something most other members will do the same, but I can't lose two weeks again. (Also, I am wondering if people from the smaller group have started huffing and puffing about my intrusion into their privacy within the larger group.) I'm not sure what to do. I've made three friends in this community that I feel comfortable with- maybe that will have to be it.

I don't worry about removing Jazmyn or Jacob from a group of potential contacts, but I do worry about Simon. For now, he thrives off of social contacts. I take them to the playground frequently, but he likes playdates too. So it was the perfect cap to the week when I got a call from Jazmyn's music program that Simon could proceed to the music workshop he had interviewed for... but Jacob could not. I cried when I told Michael about it. Jacob says he's fine- he doesn't want to practice anyway- but I don't know if that will hold when Simon starts and he doesn't. What I do know is that it would be unfair to Simon to take that away from him especially if I have to take away something else. Hopefully special time with Dad and piano lessons from his sisters will make up for it a little bit with Jacob.

Oh yeah... I also visited D.C. and spoke to Senator Brown this week, but that's a tale for another day.

Deb in the City

Get over yourselves

2011-09-30T18:34:00.000-04:00

Forgive me if this is even more disjointed than usual- today I have a good excuse. I'm feverish and exhausted.

There's an interesting story about this, but for now I'll keep it brief: my family was exposed to pertussis, which you might know as whooping cough. The best part of the story is that we were exposed because another family does not believe in vaccinations.

I do not object to people choosing what they will do for their own families or with their own bodies, but I don't think their personal beliefs should necessitate two of my children to take a course of antibiotics and my husband and I to suffer from sore throats, fever and fatigue. I don't think it should have meant that I had to drag my two young sons to two doctor's appointments and a drug store today- that's a big part of the exhaustion. Not to mention that it affected the way my family and I could observe Rosh Hashanah, that I haven't been able to see a good friend because of their compromised immune system, that my boys don't get to go to a playground for at least a few days or that I don't get to go to a conference on Sunday that I've been looking forward to. Do whatever you want within the law, but then give people fair warning so they can make an informed decision. I could have and should have been warned about this, and I wasn't. It is the arrogance as much as the infection that is making me seethe.

Someone, somewhere, will read this and shrug. It's my fault that my immunity is so weak; it's not the carrier's fault. Of course they're right. Because being a vegan isn't enough. Practicing the deep breathing of yoga and Pilates and working my intrinsic muscles regularly isn't enough. Walking an average 600 minutes per week isn't enough. I must have a compromised immune system. It must be that my mother didn't nurse me until I was five. It's true- she didn't. Having a sister arrive 17 months later would have made that difficult. Well, there you go; if my parents had just listened to that [sensationalist idiot] Paul Ehrlich, this would never have happened.

I hope that hypothetical person knows exactly what I think about that line of would-be reasoning. I dare them to make such comments to me in person. Today, given how infectious I am, I double dare them.

I am incensed because I know for a fact that this parent is exposing other children to infectious diseases through their negligence (yes, I know what the proper pronoun is, but I'm not going to out anybody on a public site, so the grammarians will just have to live with it). There is nothing I can do about the week my family has been through, but I can do something about future exposures. I have and I will. Enough said about that for now.

Excuse me, I think I need some juice.

Deb in the City

Please bring the boring

2011-09-27T18:26:00.002-04:00

It's true- I used to wish for excitement. Those days are long gone, but you never know when wishes are going to come true.

On Sunday, someone harassed me and Jazmyn on the T. So much more to say, but I've been advised not to say anything else for a while.

I bought a candy bar later that day, and as I walked out a man came up behind me. He asked me how many candy bars I ate every week. I asked why he wanted to know. He told me that they weren't good for my figure and if I ate too many I wouldn't look like a model. I told him I didn't care whether I looked like a model, but thanks anyway. Stuff you should know: I do not look like a model, this was not a flattering exchange and the man in question was about 70 years old. Yep, and all the time.

I interviewed a learned and engaging person today. I'm not revealing the identity until the interview is posted, but I've mentioned this person and his book on this blog. I'm past gratitude that this person spoke to me; I'm stunned. This was a good thing. However, finding out that this person wanted to do a phone and not an email interview probably elevated my heart rate for a day. Having to dial internationally for the first time in a decade did nothing to lower it.

Just as I was beginning to calm down and starting to think everything through, Jazmyn let me know that she and Sam were exposed to pertussis on Saturday. Yes, there were multiple phone calls to the pediatrician. I really, really do not want to hear from anyone for the next week about how much you don't want to poison your children with vaccines or that you're okay because of herd immunity.

I'm really tired right now, and genuinely looking forward to household chores. That, sadly, will also be exciting as I perform them with what I'm pretty sure is my burgeoning cold.

Excitedly,
Deb in the City

Why are we afraid of health education?

2011-09-26T14:17:00.000-04:00

If you knew what your iliopsoas was and what it does, you would cut your risk of lower back pain by 90%. This is not a hypothetical suggestion; this is a fact. I'll tell you what it is right now: it's your primary hip flexor. It attaches to both your femur and your lumbar spine. As it winds from the front of your leg to the back of your spine, it travels through your pelvis. I bet you see the importance right now. Almost always, that pain you feel in your lower back is your poor, tightened, shortened iliopsoas pulling and sometimes spasming on you. Solution: stretch the front of your leg. Go into a lunge, bend your knee and grab your ankle behind you, whatever. If you understand the muscle, this makes sense. If you don't, your first impulse will be to stretch forward, thinking you're stretching your back. However, that's only going to make it worse.

As a yoga and Pilates instructor, I'm frequently horrified by how little people know about their bodies, but I shouldn't be. If I hadn't pursued a certain course of training, I wouldn't know these things either. They weren't taught in schools, my parents never talked to me about the muscles of my body and for all of our civilization's emphasis on how our body looks, we are woefully neglectful about how our body functions. That, as I have seen, is the real reason why yoga and Pilates exploded in popularity: even if the instructor doesn't quite understand function, if the exercises are taught with proper form you'll still get into the muscles other forms of fitness neglect. I'm not the only instructor that has seen revelation on a participant's face as they move their body through their proper range of motion for possibly the first time.

But my knowledge is limited. At the end of the day, all I did with a client or class is work with their muscles and their heart, lungs and, occasionally, brains. Those are big deals but they aren't everything. To be sure, many hold that certain movements and postures will get into your kidneys, liver and reproductive organs, but I never taught a class with those in mind. It wasn't my area of expertise.

I wonder now if I should have done it anyway, especially with my childrens classes. It's not like they were going to get any of that anywhere else.

I read this morning that about the amount of unsafe sex young people are having. Not surprising considering the amount of sex education they're not getting, but still terrible in the 21st century. (Or do I just need to adjust my ideas of what the 21st century should look like?) I know that some people believe that sex education will somehow give children a license to have sex, but it has been my experience that knowledge only helps you make better decisions; it doesn't make those decisions for you.

I'm doubly angry because sex education is a part of health education, and the kids aren't getting it. Forget about your reproductive systems; a lot of people grow up without knowing where their lungs and stomach are- I am not making this up. They don't know what their kidneys and spleens do, and most would be surprised by how important their liver is.

It's true- you can stop someone from using some of their reproductive system to the fullest. However, there is nothing you can do to stop someone from using the majority of their other organs. So why make it so difficult for people to learn what exactly those organs are doing?

As far as I'm concerned, health education is Public Health 101. We're going to be fighting preventable diseases and infections for a while if we don't teach people what their bodies do. Chronic back pain is just the tip of the iceberg- would that everything else were as easy to remedy.

Deb in the City

PS Here is my piece for the JP Patch about why I'm supporting Felix Arroyo for City Council, inspired in no small part by his advocacy for Boston's youth.

I am not just the sum of my clicks

2011-09-23T19:34:00.000-04:00

I took a social media break in August and did a lot of reading. It was great. In September, I started up again. My verdict: I got a lot out of Twitter, Google + was useless and Facebook was getting on my nerves. When they rolled out their newest changes to Facebook this week without any fanfare, I was annoyed. It was when I heard about what they had in mind that I decided enough was enough.

It is not enough for Facebook that between 750 and 850 million people are registered users and that many feel like they can't leave because they are "locked in". Now Facebook wants you to read the news, listen to music and watch movies on their platform. Because every move you make and every step you take should be visible to all of your friends, those activities will be published to them. And, according to Facebook, this is a good thing. This will help me organize not just my user experiences but my identity and my life. Because apparently my stories and my software applications express who I am.

The Hell they do.

Despite whatever you may think you know about me through whatever I have posted on an internet site, you do NOT know everything about me. What I have written and interacted with expresses only a small part of who I am. Some things I have written about at length, some things I have hinted at and some things I don't like to talk about, period. People who have read my other blog know that I have a strange, possibly unhealthy obsession with Greek mythology. Readers of this blog know that I homeschool my children, live in Boston, am a liberal Democrat and have more food sensitivities than anyone should. But you don't know who my favorite teacher was in college, what my favorite class was, why I went to law school and then left or what made me decide not to go to business school after I got in. You don't know why I gave my children the names I did and you don't know where all of my ancestors are from. You don't know who I talk to, who my favorite writer is or the name of my fourth grade teacher. You don't know what I wanted to do when I was nine. You don't know why the year 1392 is important to me or why the word "Dresden" makes me want to cry. You don't know what "Dong A Il Bo" is, why I started watching "Law and Order" or the things I wanted to watch when I was 17.

Most of things aren't secrets, but they haven't come up as a question on a website or application. Some of these things are trivial, but some are very important to me. And if you don't know some of these things, you don't really know me. That's fine. But let's not pretend that a bunch of websites and really thorough information aggregators can capture all of that or that the sum of what they can is "my life".

I will be blogging here and at my other blog. I will be tweeting because I like many of the people I've "met" on Twitter. I will be reading and writing. I will do the other things I do that define me as a person, some of which I will share, some of which you can guess and some of which would surprise you to know. Because that's how I roll.

I'm pretty sure the same can be said of all of you.

Deb in the City

What I've read

2011-09-11T20:32:00.000-04:00

1. At the suggestion of a friend, I read The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. A very good book I'm recommending everyone read, and I will post a review later this week. But... maybe I didn't want to spend most of today crying. In public. Medical ethics, inequities, a little bit of child abuse, sexual abuse and the mistreatment of the disabled.... after reading this and the book about the 9/11 responders earlier this week, I need a belly laugh.

2. Privacy has been a theme lately. I really don't want anyone tracking every damned mouse click everywhere I go, but I REALLY don't want people using my tissue samples in ways they don't tell me about. I don't need to be compensated if my cells contribute in some way to finding a cure for cancer, but I want to be consulted. And "well, if you don't like it don't come in" is a really poor answer. Should I have to forgo a Pap smear or a blood draw because I can't secure where those products are going?

3. Patents have also come up more than once. Pankaj Ghemawat, Professor Why-Don't-We-Talk-About-Data-Points-Before-You-Get-Worked-Up-About-Globalization, seems to agree with Rebecca Skloot that many patents are primarily benefiting the patent holder- not the customers, and certainly not the donors. It's odious that an industry charging an arm and a leg from an AIDS patient in Africa isn't compensating those who donated their tissues in the first place.

4. I am waiting to read The Gargoyle now because another friend recommended it. Having read the back cover, I'm not feeling comedy. This had better be worth it.

5. If I don't laugh at least twice, that friend had better get cozy with Agatha Christie.

Deb in the City

The benefits of reading books

2011-09-05T10:09:00.000-04:00

There's a lot to learn on the internet/world wide web/whatever you want to call it, and of course it's a lot of fun. But as many of us know, we're in danger of falling into an echo chamber if we get all of our news from the great Information Super Highway.

Here is a sampling of some of the things I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't cracked open a book. Yes, I believe all of this information is available in electronic format, but I wouldn't have gone looking for it.

There was much to love about The Filter Bubble: What the Internet Is Hiding From You, and as you may see from my review, I was taken aback by a lot of it. But the part that made my eyes bug out was the background information on Peter Thiel, co-founder of PayPal. He's made a couple of good calls, particularly around the internet and housing bubbles. He also sees, as I do, an education bubble. (Some of you might call this just "common sense", but we quibble.) Where I completely disagree with him is his belief in the Singularity. Let's sum that up as the emergence of super artificial intelligence, and some people believe it will even lead to a post-humanity. I'm not making this up. I may be alone in this, but I'm going to call that flat out crazy.
I loved Unnatural Selection: Choosing Boys Over Girls, and The Consequences of a World Full of Men, and I hope to see more from Mara Hvistendahl. (I've got a weakness for science writers who write books- see below.) I read this because I had an interest in the loss of female births the planet- particularly Asia- has suffered from in the last three or four decades. There was a lot that made American and Korean me squirm, but what made me gasp was finding out that John Maynard Keynes was one of the founding members of the Cambridge University Eugenics Society. Again, not making this up. (Do you believe it more knowing that he was the Treasurer?) Do I believe in Keynesian economics? Basically. Do I ever want to get into a conversation defending it again? Not really.
The myths busted in World 3.0: Global Prosperity and How To Achieve It were, as befits the scope of a book about international integration, larger in scope. No, the world is not flat (sorry, Thomas Friedman) and no, McDonalds is not making everyone in the world a whore to Big Macs and french fries. (Please read that last sentence again so it sinks in.) However, while I suspected that immigration wasn't nearly as dangerous as we have been led to believe (I mean, nothing could be, right?), I did not realize that lowering the barriers to world migration would be not just beneficial to world GDP but also really beneficial, possibly doubling it. (And no, that growth wouldn't come at the expense of the middle class.)
But the greatest myth buster of them all is 1491: Rewriting the History of the Americas Before Columbus, written by science journalist Charles Mann. No, Native Americans were not 1) quasi-mystical beings who were in tune with nature but rather 2) intelligent innovative human beings who mastered their landscape and 3) were much more populous than has previously been believed. That we think otherwise is because European diseases spread quickly among the populations here and killed up to 95% of it. With so many people gone, they could not shepherd their natural resources as they once had- hence, huge populations of buffalo and dense forests in New England by the 17th and 18th centuries. (An aside: and were the Native Americans of the Amazon just lucky that the forests they came to live in just happened to produce all kinds of edible fruits and medicinal plants? Almost like there was an intelligence behind the planting of those trees.) With those lessons in mind, I found it irritating to listen to Radio Boston this past Friday, particularly the frankly dopey musings about an aborigine group that was the last to live in harmony with nature. Please.

Deb in the City

There go the brides

2011-08-31T16:20:00.000-04:00

I probably agree with others that it's not crazy, breaking news- but it's still a big deal. Priscilla's of Boston, the upscale bridal store, is closing. I know- when we're in an recession that sees unemployment constantly hovering near 10% and the number of children on food stamps increasing, this isn't breaking your heart.

It's breaking mine, and I've never set foot in there. You need to understand that the Boston location is a big building on Boylston Street. We just lost Borders a few months ago- another very large building. We've got some other big stores as well, and now they're making me nervous. I guess I'm not too worried about the Apple Store, but do people still buy things from Crate and Barrel?

I am dreading Boylston Street looking like Newbury Street (they're right next to each other). The amount of For Lease, For Rent and For Sale signs on that street is ridiculous. I am way past missing the cache Newbury Street used to emanate; I just don't want things to be so empty. It's not any better on Washington Street or the rest of Downtown Crossing, and nearby Chinatown is taking its hits too.

Damn.

Deb in the (increasingly empty) City

Keep your e-reader

2011-08-30T12:50:00.004-04:00

I try to be responsible and keep all numbers and cards with me, but sometimes things slip through the cracks. A few years ago, one of those things was a library card number.

There was a question of a fine. I knew I had one, but I didn't know why. I called the library and asked if they could tell me what the overdue item was. (This was before both of the library systems in my area had the dazzling websites they have now.) Did I have my library card number on me? No, I didn't, and I couldn't find the card just then. Well, too bad. If I were physically inside the library, I could have shown them my license. However, if I couldn't give them a library card number on the phone, they couldn't help me.

I'm an impatient person who likes to get what I want when I want it, but I walked away from that conversation with a little bit of a smile. As the person on the other end of the phone explained to me, the powers-that-be had recently had a conversation about what they could share and what identification was required. Their decision was to lock down as much as they could. It was my understanding that decision was in direct response to the provisions of the PATRIOT ACT. Good for them. I was happy to memorize my library card number after that.

This is what the American Library Association has to say about the PATRIOT Act. At a time when so many were shrugging away our freedoms and liberties, they were one of the few organization to stand up and shake their heads. Reading their resolution overwhelms me with gratitude, and I was already pretty grateful.

...Privacy is essential to the exercise of free speech, free thought, and free association; and, in a library, the subject of users' interests should not be examined or scrutinized by others;

That says so much. I would add that I want those freedoms to extend beyond the library. If I read something, it really isn't your concern- and by the way, calm down. I might want to read Mein Kampf because I want to understand the depth of someone's lunacy and hatred; I might want to read the collected works of Karl Marx and Frederich Engels because I want to see how much internal cohesion their philosophies had. That would not make me a Neo-Nazi or a Communist- although, if it did, that's my right and don't you forget it.

I recognize that if I use my credit or debit card to purchase a book, someone knows about it and, because corporations are awfully chatty with each other these days, a lot more people are going to know about it. Irritating- but in a brick and mortar store, I can always make my purchases with cash. That is not an option I have if I buy e-books, or even if I buy my books electronically. But, okay, we've learned to live with that for the most part.

Two weeks ago, I read The Filter Bubble. I reviewed it on my other site- go read it. There was a lot that found me shouting, "Honey, oh my God! Did you know this?" Knowing that the FBI could grab my emails from Google and Yahoo without a search warrant was shocking. The CIA and Google joint venture Recorded Future was funny in the way reality shows are funny- wasn't there a movie about that? But what made me really angry was the information about tracking on the Kindle.

Obviously, Amazon knows what you're buying- they built their company on knowing that and being able to make recommendations to you based on that. But if you're reading on a Kindle device, that will be the tip of the iceberg. They will know how quickly you read it, what pages you turned, whether you skipped around or read all the way through and which phrases and words you highlighted. That last part really sticks in my craw for some reason. That information is, of course, fed back to the Amazon servers so they can tailor their offerings to you accordingly. (Don't believe me? Please read here.)

Oh really? Is it not possible that I am very interested in economic history but put a title down after one chapter because it's obvious how biased the author is? Might I not generally be interested in suspense and mystery but stayed with a certain title because it was so well-written? Or maybe I sped through something because I'm a really fast reader, not because I didn't like it? Even with its algorithms, there's something Amazon (and I'm assuming other e-reader vendors) are going to miss. If I'm depending on them for the bulk of my shopping and recommendations, then there will be things I miss too.

I give up the privacy of what I read when I purchase something with a credit card; do I now have to give up the secrets of *how* I read for the convenience of not dragging a book around? How fortunate for me that I am, apparently, some kind of relic that enjoys holding a book and physically flipping pages, because I have no desire for anyone to know that much about everything I read.

I've got to say that I find this even more offensive than Google and Facebook pimping out my information to get money from advertisers. On a simple mathematical level, I accept the business logic: that's how those companies stay afloat. But what excuse does Amazon- or Apple or Barnes and Noble- have? Have people not paid for their e-readers? Have they not also paid for their e-books? And then I have to wonder about all of those self-published titles being sold for 99 cents. Poor Amazon (and B&N?) is only making 30% off of those titles. Well, if they're also able to glean user data from those titles, I think all those indie authors should get together and demand a better percentage.

You know what I'm going to do with an even clearer conscience than before? Use my library's electronic system to request books. I feel confident that if my information isn't entirely safe, it's not going to be given away without a fight. It's not because I'm so special- it's the principle, and the ALA might be one of the few groups still left that believes in those.

In an e-reader world, all I represent is principal. The difference between an "e" and an "a" is much greater than even the snarkiest speller imagined.

Deb in the City

Four things

2011-08-24T21:52:00.004-04:00

1) Did you read my interview with Mara Hvistendahl, the author of "Unnatural Selection: Choosing Boys Over Girls, And The Consequences of a World Full of Men"? Well, you should, because she and the book she wrote are pretty cool. (Yes, I read it.)

2) I'd like to respectfully ask everyone not to "double down" on their "beggar thy neighbor" policies before they decide to have their "come to Jesus" moment. Why? Because when I see multiple instances of the same phrase in the space of twenty pages, I don't know what phrase means anymore.

3) Oh My God! Steve Jobs isn't the CEO of Apple anymore! Now what are we going to do? There will never be another innovator the likes of him again. Ever. All of your Apple products- and the clones they spawned- are going to break within the next two days.

4) By the way, I just checked and the sky is not falling.

Deb in the City

What I'm Reading

2011-08-23T20:58:00.006-04:00

I'm breaking my radio silence to advise everyone to go to the library and pick up the March/April 2011 issue of Foreign Affairs. (I would, of course, tell you to buy it and therefore support the publishers, but I don't think this is on sale anywhere anymore.)

I've been getting a lot of reading done in the last two weeks, and I realize that not telling people is one of the most hostile things I can do in our digitally connected world. I'll spare you the Agatha Christie titles (although, if you haven't already read The Hollow, you don't know what you're missing), but everyone should read:

China's Search for a Grand Strategy
Currency Wars, Then and Now (boy, do I want to get this guy's book now)
and The Tea Party and American Foreign Policy (this is some good stuff)

I don't agree with everything I've read so far (for example, I'd like less tension with China, but as someone with Korean ancestry I can't in good conscience advocate throwing Taiwan under the bus the way Korea was at the beginning of the 20th century). However, so far I really like what I've read and enjoy cuddling up with this issue as much as I do a certain arrogant Belgian detective.

Deb in the City

Congratulations Libya

2011-08-21T22:50:00.004-04:00

Congratulations to the brave Libyans who spent months fighting Qaddafi's forces. It appears that the army fell much more quickly than anyone had anticipated, and two of Qaddafi's son have been captured. Read more here.

I sincerely hope Libya doesn't find that the rebellion was the easy part.

Deb in the City

For a laugh

2011-08-10T12:20:00.003-04:00

I'm not happy about the riots in England. I get it, but I don't approve. And I'm heartsick over the deaths in Birmingham yesterday. Seeing young British Asians being killed reminds me of the violence the Korean Americans suffered during the LA riots in 1992. I understand why people with nothing would think that people who have a storefront- or maybe just a family- are better off than they are, but this is wrong. It is also wrong for people to state that it's a coincidence that these riots came on the heels of a global economic downturn, an austerity program and, oh right, revelations about collusion between the most powerful members of the British media organizations, political system and law enforcement agencies. It's not.

In my fair city, apparently there's a bit of a crisis brewing in Brighton. When you think of that area, you just don't think hostage.

So why did the announcement of Boehner and McConnell's picks for the Supercommittee (found via Shakesville) make me laugh so hard? Because John Not-Intended-To-Be-A-Factual-Statement Kyl is one of McConnell's picks.

That's okay- I had low expectations anyway.

Deb in the City

It's the 21st century, right?

2011-08-09T14:09:00.004-04:00

I saw this via a friend, and I'm ready to... vote my interests.

While the study Georgetown University’s Center on Education and the Workforce concludes that it is more profitable to have a college degree, it looks like a woman with a Bachelor's is worth about as much as a man with some college but no degree.

Show this to anyone who argues that feminism has achieved its objectives, and then show it to people who need to be convinced that we need feminism- and feminists.

Deb in the City

The trouble with Diane Ravitch

2011-08-08T21:48:00.003-04:00

There is nothing the American public loves like the story of someone seeing the light- especially when that person tried to turn them off.

Diane Ravitch is the former Assistant Secretary of Education who supported "accountability", charter schools and No Child Left Behind. Then, after seeing the data, concluded that those policies really weren't all that. I don't have to do any digging- she lays it all out in this Wall Street Journal piece.

So what's my problem?

I make a lot of good calls. Housing bubble? No, of course I wasn't surprised. Tech bubble? Obviously. The non-existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Please... Global warming? I've known about it since 1985. Is it because I'm psychic? Is it because I'm privy to top secret information? Or is it because I'm always right?

No, no and no. It's because I watch and listen to the news. Oh yeah- I also have a memory, and sometimes my share of common sense. That's how I knew the darlings of education reforms were going to be a disaster.

I remember a Boston Magazine education issue. I remember reading in that issue about the testing scandals Texas was experiencing. The author seemed to ask, "What do you expect to happen if you offer teachers bonuses for their students' test scores?" The answer, at least in some cases, was coordinated cheating. Imagine what could happen when you link that to a teacher's regular compensation. Now imagine that you link that to their job. And yet, for some reason, people are shocked that teachers would be doing this, whether it's the Atlanta scandal or some of the charter schools in Massachusetts.

I remember this article clearly because I had education on the brain at the time and I was deeply concerned. Not only was I pregnant with my second child but my oldest child had just started kindergarten. That's right- this was in 1999. (I'm sorry I can't find a link, but this should give you a little background.)

I read one little article in a regional magazine. Really, an Assistant Secretary of Education didn't have access to better data than I did?

When she says in the WSJ piece that No Child Left Behind had bipartisan support, I'm ready to choke. Yes, it did, and my state's Liberal Lion was one of the sponsors of the bill. But it did not have the support of any of the teachers and administrators I knew. They were dreading what they knew was the inevitable passage, because these people were experienced and, most importantly, not stupid. They knew that they would have to teach to a test for much of the school year; they knew that they would have to cut into time for arts programming; they knew that they would have to cut into recess. Most importantly, they knew that in many cases they were not going to succeed, because the schools have these children for eight or so hours per day, five days per week, nine months out of the year. There is plenty that goes on that they do not have any control over that influences a child's education. It is very difficult for a school or even a school system to do anything about a child whose parent has to work multiple jobs and then isn't as available for help with homework or even reading. It is also very hard to do anything about a child who is so poor that they are inadequately fed at home. Those things affect how well a child learns, and while some schools have tried very hard to address them, asking one part of a system to fix a systemic problem is ridiculous.

I knew this because I spoke with teachers and administrators. Did Ravitch really, truly not have access to any of these people? Or was she only talking to people who were already doing well on tests?

As for charter schools, it came as a surprise that they would not enroll as many children who did not speak English as their first language or students with disabilities? And are we supposed to be shocked that a school which is trying to "make its numbers" would ask the problem students to leave? Charters always sounded to me like a grand experiment being performed on children. Don't most experiments not give you the result you expect?

I don't blame Ravitch for No Child Left Behind or charter schools. She didn't write the legislation for NCLB, and she wasn't the one who conceived of the idea of charter schools. And she wasn't the only one who supported them, clearly. But I'd like to know now why everyone in the media is falling all over themselves about her when she was wrong. As far as I'm concerned, she's the David Stockman of the education world. I should listen to her now why? Because she agrees with me? Great- but the damage has been done, and it has been done to the children Charles Blow wrote about. If anyone deserved not to be experimented on, it was them. Welcome to the party, but you came just a little bit too late.

Many of those children have grown up and out of the public education system, and many of their families are probably thankful for that. But they should still be given the access to the education that they missed out on, not just so that they can get a job, but because they deserve it. As soon as Ravitch and everyone else who failed them comes up with a way to give that to them, I'll consider them rehabilitated. But until then, too little, too late.

Deb in the City

I'm angry too

2011-08-07T16:49:00.005-04:00

But let's not make it worse.

I'm not talking about the ratings downgrade, the budget deal that didn't include any revenues or the fact that I live in a country people are increasingly shaking their heads over. I'm talking about Mark Duggan, the 29 year old father of four who was killed in Tottenham, London last week.

The police were coming to arrest him while he was returning home. The family is reporting that he was shot so badly that they had trouble identifying him (that's in the last link in this post). The official story is that Duggan was killed in an exchange of fire. The family is strenuously denying this, and there are now reports that a bullet said to have been fired by Tottenham was actually police issue and therefore unlikely to have been fired him.

This is incendiary stuff, and thankfully doesn't happen as often in the UK as it does here. I'm glad people are angry about a young black man being shot by the police. That kind of thing happens too often around here.

But the riot on Sunday did nothing to improve matters. They don't usually. It sounds like the police have made family, friends and residents suspicious, but this doesn't get answers. This scares people, many of whom are probably also angry about what happened.

I'll be watching this closely. I hope the family gets the answers it deserves and quickly.

As for what could bring justice? I have no idea.

Deb in the City

The present is just as important as the future

2011-08-06T21:17:00.007-04:00

What I was hearing a lot on talk radio about four months ago was what I like to think of as the Education Dodge. If an economist- usually a mouthpiece for a think tank or a political party- was asked about jobs, he or she would invariably throw something in at the end of the long-winded answer that would sound something like, "But the real issue is education. We know our test scores and/or educational standards lag behind everyone else's, and that's why we have an unemployment problem [which would sometimes be compared to our global competitors]."

Really, dude? How is addressing current education policy going to get more adults currently in the workforce the jobs they need? Doesn't that seem a little backward? Wouldn't it make more sense to get more adults more jobs so we can increase our revenue base and have more money to spend on education? I'm all about being future-focused, but some immediate solutions are necessary, and when people answer a question about employment with a punt on education, I don't think they're serious about either subject.

But this column by Charles Blow is different. He's not asking you to look at these children so you won't look at the adults; he's asking you to imagine what these children look like as adults.

I won't quote it because it's short and easy to grasp- go click over and read the whole thing. The stats on poverty, homelessness and food stamps are dramatic enough that "we have to look at what the parents are doing" is not an effective rejoinder. We have a systemic problem, and this is a bigger deal than S & P's downgrade. It's also worse than Blow's column would lead you to believe: just ask a recent college grad or read the links I have in this post to get a sense of what people just out of childhood have to look forward to.

We have to stop looking at our crystal balls and look at what's right in front of us.

Deb in the City

The degradation of soft power

2011-08-06T07:49:00.004-04:00

1. Via the Boston Globe, two more reasons I'd like to get our people out of Afghanistan:

+ A helicopter crash killed 31 American and 7 Afghan soldiers. The Taliban is claiming responsibility, but at this point it's unconfirmed.

There have been at least 17 coalition and Afghan aircraft crashes in Afghanistan this year. Most of the crashes are attributed to pilot errors, weather conditions or mechanical failures. However, the coalition has confirmed that at least one CH-47F Chinook helicopter was hit by a rocket propelled grenade on July 25, injuring two crewmembers.

Some places you just shouldn't send soldiers into.

+ And this:

Meanwhile, NATO troops attacked a house and inadvertently killed eight members of a family, including women and children, in the southern Helmand province, an Afghan government official said Saturday.

There is very little that sparks gratitude like killing women and children, however unintentionally.

2. This article from the New York Times about the upcoming G7 meeting and, really, the burgeoning world wide debt crisis is prompting me to extend my criticism about politicians running their governments like reality shows to Europe.

“If they had agreed on those measures nine months ago it would have prevented the crisis from spiraling to this extent,” said Simon Tilford, the chief economist at the Center for European Reform in London. “But this is too little too late.”

+ Again: waiting until the last minute to make a dramatic move is exciting television (for some) but really poor governance. (I don't watch reality TV because you can smell how manufactured everything is, and I don't just mean in the editing.)

+ Old Europe, I thought better of you. For shame.

3. And China's pissed. I don't blame them.

"Mounting debts and ridiculous political wrestling in Washington have damaged America's image abroad," Xinhua said. "To cure its addiction to debts, the United States has to re-establish the common sense principle that one should live within its means."

+ As I said before, we look like jackasses. FYI, getting China to make a statement to that effect is not a positive development.

This statement from Kishore Mahbubani, Singapore's former ambassador to the United Nations and the dean of the Lee Kuan Yew School of Public Policy, gets even more to the point.

"It's definitely undermined U.S. credibility," Mahbubani said late Friday. "Everyone is wondering if you have such a dysfunctional political process, how can you provide global leadership. It's very dangerous for the world."

+ I just love when someone thinks the U.S. is dangerous. (No, I don't.)

Deb in the City

That went well, part 2

2011-08-05T21:15:00.003-04:00

Remember how we were told that we needed to accept a compromise because if we didn't it would mean that we would lose our Triple-A credit rating and that would mean the cost of doing business would become that much more expensive?

In the end, Standard & Poor's was underwhelmed with our compromise and they took us down a notch to AA+ anyway. Some are going to argue that this was because we didn't agree to lower the debt enough, but this is what's catching my eye:

"...the downgrade reflects our view that the effectiveness, stability, and predictability of American policymaking and political institutions have weakened at a time of ongoing fiscal and economic challenges to a degree more than we envisioned when we assigned a negative outlook to the rating on April 18, 2011.

"Since then, we have changed our view of the difficulties in bridging the gulf between the political parties over fiscal policy, which makes us pessimistic about the capacity of Congress and the Administration to be able to leverage their agreement this week into a broader fiscal consolidation plan that stabilizes the government's debt dynamics any time soon," S&P added.

What calmed me down (believe it or not) during the Debt Ceiling Debalce was the belief that the GOP was, in the end, going to listen to the concerns of the business community about the serious effects this could have on our economy. Many did, but some did not. Despite the threat of a downgrade, some like Michele Bachmann continued to call for economic "tough love". Which is exactly what gets you out of a recession. (No, it's not.)

S & P is right- our effectiveness, stability and predictability have been weakened. If you think 1) it had to be this way or 2) getting someone to say that was a good thing, you're wrong.

Deb in the City

The right and wrong reactions

2011-08-05T11:52:00.004-04:00

Congratulations, America! We gained 117,000 jobs in July, not the lousy 85,000 we thought we'd be looking at. Oh yeah- in June we gained 46,000 jobs and not 18,000 as we had originally thought. America: not only beating expectations, but beating our own performance.

But before anyone gets too excited, I'd like to remind people of a number Paul Krugman threw around two years ago: 300,000. That's the number of jobs we'd need to gain every month to recover within five years. (Note: he wrote this in 2009. We have not gained an average 300,000 jobs per month between now and then.)

When Krugman wrote this, his perspective was "maybe we shouldn't throw a party because we lost fewer jobs than we did the month before." My reaction two years later is that we shouldn't buy streamers and hats to celebrate gaining less than half of the jobs we needed to either.

You can argue about my reaction, you can argue about Krugman's calculations- I mean, it's on a blog called "Conscience of a Liberal"- but most people would agree that we need more jobs. Even Eric Cantor agrees with that. Just watch as three different reporters from CNBC question him about the data. I'll be here in six minutes.

I think you can guess that I do not agree with Representative Cantor that extending the unemployment benefits is a bad idea. (That's at about the 3:40 mark on the video.) Yes, what people will benefit most from is a good job, but before you cut off those benefits, have a plan for ensuring that those jobs will be available. FYI: jobs at Wal-Mart do not qualify.

(To anyone in the Republican party who says that it's time we tried something different since our current policies are not working, I agree. First thing to shelve: the Bush Tax Cuts.)

But there is a glimmer of good news: it looks like unemployment among African-Americans and Latinos is just really bad and still worse than the average but not Depression bad. Maybe we can get some noisemakers for that?

No, I didn't think so.

Deb in the City

What is the value of going nuclear?

2011-08-03T18:34:00.003-04:00

I found this loveliness from Mitch McConnell via Shakesville and Media Nation.

“I think some of our members may have thought the default issue was a hostage you might take a chance at shooting,” he said. “Most of us didn’t think that. What we did learn is this — it’s a hostage that’s worth ransoming. And it focuses the Congress on something that must be done.”

This is the Minority Leader of the United States Senate, right? Our budget is worth ransoming? This guy is a key representative of the party who goes on about the need to be fiscally responsible?

Are we going to go through this reality show drama every time we need to raise the debt ceiling? Is this good for the economy? Is this good for our country?

Excuse me, I grew up in the Eighties. We were afraid of people using nuclear bombs and we didn't brag about how badass we were for contemplating it. Because we knew that one bomb wasn't going to destroy the world, but the succession of retaliatory strikes would be what did us in. Back then being a Serious Adult meant you were willing to show some restraint in public when you talked about serious things.

I am reduced to pining for the good old days of the Eighties.

What?

Deb in the City

Don't worry, it's just CNN

2011-08-03T10:27:00.004-04:00

According to CNN.com, the job recovery is slowing. I mean, it's a good thing no one thinks jobs are key to making a full economic recovery. (Does someone need a link for that?)

But the story about the Dagong Global Credit Rating Company in China downgrading the U.S's credit rating is so much better. It's just China, those slimeball investors who got us into this mess in the first place, right? (No, that is not right.)

In the category of "it's funny because it's true":

"The squabbling between the two political parties on raising the U.S. debt ceiling reflected an irreversible trend on the United States' declining ability to repay its debts," Dagong Chairman Guan Jianzhong told CNN.

"The two parties acted in a very irresponsible way and their actions greatly exposed the negative impact of the U.S. political system on its economic fundamentals," he said.

Yeah...

On the one hand, this is a relatively new agency and their ratings don't hold as much water as Moody's, Fitch and Standard and Poor's. On the other hand, the 2008 subprime crisis damaged the reputations of those firms.

I hope this rating doesn't end up making it more expensive for us to borrow money, but even it doesn't, the word is out. We looked like a country filled with jackasses this last month.

Deb in the City

That went well

2011-08-02T17:44:00.002-04:00

I saw this via Shakesville: looks like the Dow fell by a notable amount.

You mean austerity doesn't inspire investor confidence?

The NYT feels even worse about it. (Oh they would, wouldn't they? That liberal rag.) Please read the whole thing, but here are a couple of quotes I loved.

“As the macro data comes out, it seems like we may have more on our hands than just getting the debt ceiling raised,” said Myles Zyblock, chief institutional strategist and managing director of capital markets research at RBC Capital Markets.

“We get no default, but the bad news is there is a growth trade-off,” he said. “They had to agree on fiscal contraction that would weigh on growth.”

And this:

“The challenges that we are facing economically are that the hits just keep coming,” said Lawrence Creatura, portfolio manager at Federated Investors. “We do have somewhat of a resolution to our budgetary impasse, but that does not overwhelm the fact that economically speaking that the data continues to deteriorate.”

You know, I'm glad we spent so long on whether we would raise the debt ceiling instead of approving it as we have countless times over several decades. Because there was nothing else going on that was worthy of our attention in the economy.

I am genuinely hoping for better news tomorrow but I'm not wasting my energy about the jobs data on Friday. I think we all know what that's going to look like.

Deb in the City

I'd rather talk about the debt-ceiling

2011-08-02T08:16:00.005-04:00

Roger Cohen's column today has me tearing up. (This is my version of moving on from the debt ceiling debate.) Wouldn't it be great if apartheid, eugenics and ethnic cleansing were distant memories of our parents and we could shake our heads in disbelief?

And in more feel good from the NYT, here's this piece, via a friend, about the starving Somalis who can't leave the country. (Don't look at the photos if you're faint of heart.) This piece from the Boston Globe about suffering through the famine during Ramadan just highlights the insult to injury.

So... has the Senate voted yet?

Deb in the City

Cookies for Capuano

2011-08-01T20:28:00.003-04:00

Allow me to be cheerful about something.

I am not shocked that the House passed the compromise bill that I've been bellyaching about all day. Here is the roll call, and no, I have no idea why this has a title about the Education Science Reform Act of 2002, but this was voted on at 7:09 tonight with exactly the breakdown the press is reporting about the bill, so I'm going with this as my source. (Here- the NYT has an easier to read breakdown.)

The important things to look at are the names. I am zooming in on Capuano. He voted No, and I like to think the fact that I called him this afternoon had a little bit of something to do with that. Or it could be that he's been in the House long enough to do a little math and figured out that he could vote his conscience without being held responsible for a failure to pass. But that's not the point. He did what I wanted. It remains to be seen what happens with my Senators tomorrow, but I think I already know.

Someone else on another blog is so happy that her Rep did the same thing that she would like to bake him or her (I'm not sure) cookies. I think that's a great idea, and I'd like to bake cookies for Capuano as well. I'd also be inclined to give them to Olver, Neal, McGovern, Frank (and I don't usually want to give him anything), Tierney and Markey.

70% is totally chocolate chip worthy.

Deb in the City

That sinking feeling

2011-08-01T09:53:00.003-04:00

For the twenty or so people who already "heard" me say this, forgive me for repeating myself. For everyone else, I want you to know that I haven't felt this bad about the future of our country since the Bush Tax Cuts were passed. Having to watch the whole thing unfold and being unable to stop it is the worst part.

There are many summaries out there, but here is what the NYT has to say about the Debt Ceiling agreement. My two comments:

+ Obama never blinked? What would blinking have looked like? Were increased revenues really so easy to give up?

+ It's true: most Democrats do not like the idea of deficit reduction in the middle of a weak recovery that still sees 9%+ unemployment.

Thank you, Representative Pelosi, for being non-committal at this point, but I fully expect that you're going to bring as many of the Democrats along for this. Tomorrow is the deadline, and everyone in Washington seems to think that they should be running the negotiations as if they're on a reality show: shove the work into the last ten minutes of the episode. Exciting viewing, poor governance.

I'll leave you with this link: Exactly.

Deb in the City

Sometimes you need a good book

2011-07-30T21:24:00.005-04:00

It was a nice day outside and I took my children out to Frog Pond. Think 80 degrees, but a nice breeze that made it feel like 75. Finally. But while my boys frolicked and Jaz sat on the grass, I was listless.

We came home and I got on the computer, checking email, my blog reader and, of course, my social media updates. I didn't feel any better (which is part of why August is going to be social media-less). Finally, after dinner, I stamped my feet and closed the bedroom door and curled up with a good book. Two chapters later, all better.

Here's the thing: I love to curl up with a good piece of fiction as much as anyone else, but usually when I'm antsy, I need some hardcore nonfiction. By "hardcore" I need lots of footnotes, numbers and, well, substantiated proof.

I'm not bragging about how "serious" I am. I need to feel like I'm thinking, or my head hurts. Literally hurts, right in the center of my forehead. If I read a fashion magazine, it hurts if I make it all the way to the end. If I read about the entertainment industry, I feel like I fell asleep.

(I wasn't always this way. I used to love fashion magazines, shows about makeovers and even TIME magazine. I blame the meditation techniques taught by Ana Brett and Ravi Singh. Stupid yogis.)

I need to feel like I'm learning something, and maybe in the best of instances like I'm answering a question I've been curious about. There's worthiness out there on the great Super Information Highway, but I don't get the feeling that my brain ate something yummy from sitting in front of my computer or using my husband's Droid. I suppose that's part of the reason I hope the world doesn't go all digital, because if we do I'm in trouble.

Which is just my long-winded way of asking: any recommendations for a good nonfiction book?

Deb in the City

PS I do not have hyperlexia, but thanks for asking.

For the month of August, please talk to me here

2011-07-28T20:52:00.003-04:00

Someone looking at this blog would assume that people don't respond to me. Which is fine, but not entirely accurate. Some of my posts have started lengthy conversations on Facebook. I enjoy the dialogue wherever it happens, but for the month of August, if you are so inclined, please post comments here. I apologize for the clunkiness- you write a comment, but it doesn't get posted until I approve. I promise, I'm not doing that because I want to make sure people are only saying flattering things about me; really, I'm just trying to make sure that I don't get an influx of spam telling me how much money I could save on my mortgage or how great my hair could look with Martian albolene (or whatever).

Why am I asking for this? Because for the month of August, I want to minimize my use of social media. I'm still going to spread the word about my usual brilliance through those sites, but I want to drive the conversation to the places where I'm posting. It's not because I need to see lots of comments, or because I think I'm going to impress an agent or editor with a lot of traffic (I'm not); it's because I need to focus, and my time on social media is giving me a headache.

Because I'm not fifteen, I'm not blaming social media. I should know how to manage these things in my late thirties. But I'm confused and I don't. So give me a month to figure it out, if you please, and join me here in the meantime on a case by case basis.

Warning: it's going to be a jumble at first. I'm very political (I think people who aren't are weird) and talk A LOT of trash about political figures I disagree with, I talk about my kids, I get excited when I can eat vegan, gluten-free baked goods, I get frighteningly enthusiastic about a certain science fiction show from the Sixties (no, I do NOT mean Lost in Space) and I don't have words to describe how I feel about Steely Dan and Thelonious Monk. If you've read my blog, you think you already know this, but trust me, the folks at FB know it a lot more. Be prepared.

I also try to write at three other places, and I think I might, um, cross-post here, at least for the month of August. I sort of hate that, but I'm going to try to have substantive posts that include links as opposed to a blurb with a link. (Famous last words?)

So... yeah- talk to me :-) Oh yes- I will happily read other blogs, and as appropriate, cross post for other people. (That's different than cross-posting for myself, in my universe.) So if you've got something you want me to read, let me know.

That's all for now folks,
Deb in the City

Because language matters

2011-07-26T21:51:00.004-04:00

My apologies for the prolonged absence. I haven't gone away- we don't really do vacations- and nothing is more hectic than it ever is. I also haven't reassessed my relationship to my blog. I've been... reading. And thinking. I've had many thoughts, but I haven't been near my computer when they struck, and then once I was decided I wasn't ready yet. I always have something to say, but I'm trying to keep my thoughts here reasonably clear and articulate, and I haven't felt that way for a few weeks.

I have been entertaining myself though. I've read Unnatural Selection by Mara Hvistendahl (it's good!), Post-American World 2.0 by Fareed Zakaria (some of it I like, some of it I don't), The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie (of course I loved it), and The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett (wow, I can't believe I wish I lived in the Twenties or Thirties) and am now making my way through World 3.0 by Pankaj Ghemawat (so far, I really like it, but that might be because I really don't like Thomas Friedman). I tell you this not so much to give you an insight into my thoughts but rather to demonstrate just how erratic those thoughts can be.

All to say, I'm thinking about things and trying to decide where I stand on them. But there are some things I do know.

Let me tell you a story. Please forgive me if I've already mentioned it as it's still relevant.

Two decades ago, a good friend of mine (another woman) was playing softball with some people, mostly men, from our university against another team from our college. Let's sum up the mood that prevailed as heated; words were exchanged. At one point, the other team referred to her team as being a group of, um, a word that starts with "p" and can be used to refer to either a cat or a part of a woman's anatomy.

My friend turned around and said, "Should I take that personally?" (She's pretty awesome.) The men on her team immediately shushed her. "Don't say that. We'll get in trouble."

(Yes, the word "irony" might be well used here, as would the word "cowards", but that's not my point.) Everyone on the field- my friend, her teammates and the members of the opposing team- all understood that the word in question was an insult, and it was an insult because it referenced female anatomy. Generally speaking, words that reference that which is female do not connote strength, and especially not when it's applied to that which is male. Things we associate with women can definitely be sexually desirable, but still, not in a way most men would want attributed to them.

If this were just a story about a game played 20 years ago during which some college juniors and seniors were less than honorable, it wouldn't be worth repeating. But it's not, because it still happens. And it happens to me. I am frequently in the room- mostly virtually, but sometimes in person- in which people feel comfortable using that word as an insult. Let me restate: where people feel comfortable referencing female anatomy as if it's an insult. In those rooms, it's always very clear that I'm a woman and that the word they are using is something that I own.

I'm not asking for advice. Believe me, I've called people on it, and it's getting tiresome. I have to call people on it because language matters, but having to do so as often as I do is wearing on me. Because sometimes I would like to, I don't know, talk about the original subject of the conversation, especially if it pertains to policy or current events.

I feel pretty confident that most of these people would reply that they weren't trying to insult me. In a way, the fact that I am in these rooms in the first place shows that I'm not limited by my anatomy or gender identification. I'm different. No, that's not the word. The word is "exceptional". There's an exception to every categorization, whether it's women, non-white minorities or even children. Throw out everything you knew about those groups when you meet these exceptions, because they are actually real people. No need to watch yourself in front of them.

The only problem is that no one is more aware than I am of how God damned ordinary I really am. I'm not the best mother, I'm not the best baker, I'm not the smartest person you know and I'm not the most strident advocate for all things progressively liberal. I fail at every definition- as a human being, as a woman, as a citizen of the world, as a parent- every day. I know some people find me impressive in certain ways, but I also know that they're going to get over that once they spend enough time with me.

When someone insults a man by attributing a "female" word to him in front of me, it's not because they think I'm one of the guys. It's because they think so little of me that they don't consider how their words affect me. I am beneath their consideration.

Just so you know, this anatomically female woman isn't usually described as weak or faltering, and that isn't how I would describe the majority of the women I hang out with. And when I make myself heard about this, I have been listened to. But not enough.

I have as much of a right to be in these rooms as anyone else in there, and I don't want to leave because some of the other people are, well, juvenile morons. But then again, why do I want to be in a room with juvenile morons in the first place?

So much for clarity...

Deb in the City

Vegan gluten free bread

2011-07-08T21:10:00.002-04:00

Updated 1/28/2012: I have a new, improved recipe that is much simpler.

It's been one of those weeks. So much to say about so many things- Perry, Bachmann, debt ceiling, Amazon- but I'm still sorting my thoughts. So I'm going to give you a bread recipe while I do that. Don't feel cheated- this is a good recipe.

No, really- this is good.

This recipe is adapted from the blog Asparagus Thin. However, I made enough changes to it that I feel like I have an ownership stake in the photo above. (Actually, I don't- I was taking pictures and then my daughter took over, but that's another story.)

Anyway!

Recipe yields one loaf

Grease a standard loaf pan. Set aside.

Ingredients

2/3 cup water
2/3 cup non-dairy milk
1 tsp vinegar
1 tbsp agave (or whatever sweetener you want)
1 tbsp oil (I use olive)
1 tbsp yeast

1 tsp agar
2.5 tbsps flax meal
3/4 cup minus 2 tbsp water

1 cup millet
1/3 cup tapioca (there was no way I was going to use the 1 cup called for in the original recipe)
1 1/3 cup brown rice flour (this doubles what was in the original recipe)
1/3 cup sorghum flour
2 tsp xantham gum
1 tbsp salt (if you make bread, you have to use salt. That's not an opinion.)

Mix water, milk, vinegar, agave, oil and yeast in a bowl. Let stand.

If using agar powder, mix agar, flax and water until it becomes a loose, gelatinous mass. (This is to substitute for the eggs usually used in gluten-free recipes, so the texture should resemble beaten eggs or a little stiffer.) If using agar flakes, run flakes and meal through a spice grinder until the texture is fine. Then add water and proceed as above. (If you don't have a spice grinder and you're using flakes, dissolve flakes in water first and let sit for ten minutes before adding flax.) Set aside.

Mix millet, tapioca, brown rice and sorghum flours with xanthum and salt until well-combined. Set aside.

Combine flax mixture with yeast mixture until smooth. Pour into flour mixture and stir until dough forms. This will be a thick dough as opposed to a batter and does not require kneading. Pour into prepared pan. Cover with plastic wrap or cloth and let rise for at least one hour but no more than two. Meanwhile, preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Once dough has risen, bake for at least 35 minutes. As with all baking, ovens and baking times will vary. Adjust as needed, but it should be comparable to what you use for a regular (ie, gluten-filled) loaf. The bread is ready when it can be hit on the bottom and hear a hollow "thwap" sound. Alternatively, you can stick a toothpick or a knife to test, as for a cake; there should be no moisture at all.

As with all bread, let it cool in the pan for at least five minutes before you turn it out onto a rack. Do not cut slice until it is completely cooled.

Good for sandwiches or toast with butter and jam, which is my favorite way of eating bread... not that I'm a big bread eater- I think I'm more of a potato person. However, my wheat-sensitive children Samantha and Jacob are bread people (as are Jazmyn and Michael). I know I'm doing something right because these loaves don't usually last more than a day.

The flax/agar mixture, in my opinion, is what's key here, so I think you could play around with the flour proportions without too much risk. Garbanzo and/or fava flours are popular in gluten-free baking. However, one of my daughters finds the taste of bean flours pretty strong in baked goods. There are also a number of people who are sensitive to beans (I used to be one of them). Ditto corn. Other people have also had success with teff and quinoa, but I haven't tried them yet. If you do that, get back to me, okay?

Happy Baking!

Deb in the City

PS I'm happy to share this, but I ask that if you tweak it and use it, give me- and Asparagus Thin- due credit. I don't want to see anyone tear their hair out the way I have, but fair's fair.

Thank you!

The break up

2011-06-27T07:09:00.006-04:00

A good friend of mine always has trouble with cell phones. Sometimes her service is just off, sometimes her screen will refuse to work. Since I've known her, she's been through at least two. She laughingly told me about a client of hers whose problems are much worse. It's not just cell phones; apparently hotel room keys malfunction around this person, every time one is used, no matter how well it worked before. Who knows why? Maybe it's that they're both very active people, maybe it's that they emit a lot of nervous energy.

I'm pretty active myself, and people who know me would probably agree when I say that I also have a lot of nervous energy. But I'm also pretty responsible with my phone. It has never ended up in a large body of water, as I read so many other people's have. I'm also pretty good about not throwing it against the wall. It comes with me as I travel through the city with children. That's all. So why do my phones always malfunction? I have no idea.

In the last few days, I've started to remember why downgrading from a Blackberry was so attractive last year. It wasn't just the cost, it wasn't the opportunity to be more engaged with my children. It was that it kept malfunctioning and I kept having to replace it. Yes, it's pretty cool to walk around with a microcomputer, but what good is it when it doesn't work? And then, of course, why pay the fees for one that doesn't work?

Here's what's going on with my phone now: if I close it too quickly after ending a call or a text, it freezes on the initial splash screen. The only thing that will unfreeze it is the next phone call. If I'm with someone who also has a phone, it's easy enough to ask them to call me. If I'm not, I can't. I just have to wait.

That's why I ended up carrying three heavy bags of food while I walked with the boys on Sunday. Michael had agreed to meet me at the train station if I texted him when I got there, but I couldn't text him. I had actually asked one of my daughters to call me periodically to prevent such a thing, but she didn't remember until I was already home.

Screw it, cell phone. You're of no use to me. You can stay home from now on. It's not just that I don't need you, it's that you can't do what I ask you to. I guess we're still going to be together, but from now on you can consider this a marriage of convenience. I need to have a phone, but I'm only using you while I'm home.

My husband is pretty upset about this; he likes knowing that I could call him- or anyone else- if I needed to. Let's knock on wood that my luck holds, because I've never used the phone in an emergency when I'm outside- yes, even with my hyperkinetic children. I'll just have to bring change with me so I can use a pay phone if I need one.

This puts the kibbosh on my fantasies about getting a tablet. It was always a fantasy; it's not like I usually have time to sit in a cafe and write out a few pages or stream a movie. The boys would take one look at me and start jumping up and down, demanding a turn, pulling at it and pushing at each other in order to use it. Which is exactly the kind of activity I want around a $400+ device. But being pretty assured that my lifestyle would end up degrading the device takes the last shred of fun out of the notion.

So I'm not going to be one of those cool people that texts a lot on the train. (Is this going to hurt my Klout score?) I'm also not going to be one of those people who sits on the train and reads e-books. What public reading that gets done will have to be with physical books, the majority of them probably from a library, and most of them will be held by my children. I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

We've been reading d'Aulaire's Greek Myths lately, and just out of curiosity I did a search to see if it was available electronically. It's not. Good. Because half of the value of that book is in the beautiful illustrations. I cannot imagine Zeus jumping off of the screen the same way he jumps off of the page. Jacob, my most reluctant reader, likes to sit on the bed and flip through the pages. I can't imagine he would be as transfixed by pressing a button.

After we got home from grocery shopping, the boys were sitting on the couch, having just taken away the big Charlie Brown hardcover comic book from Jazmyn. They were giggling as they pointed to some of the comics, and they were able to share the book in a way that they couldn't an e-reader and that would make me nervous if they tried.

Don't worry about me, cellphone, I'm going to be just fine without you. And hey, tablet, you can stop checking me out; you don't have anything I want.

Deb in the City

See for yourself

2011-06-26T22:43:00.004-04:00

Saturday was one of those rare days where all six of us got to be together. Would it be a surprise if I said food was involved?

First, we went to the Food Festival at the Museum of Science. We were so excited to see what people were doing... and then ended up leaving so disappointed. Yes, there was a food truck Jacob and I could find something to eat from, but it was just "eh". Six dollars worth of "eh". Whatever. Jazmyn got a vegan cupcake for $3 that was smaller than a Hostess cupcake. Well, we did get to see the governor make some kind of lobster salad with Jody Adams. Again, "eh".

I don't know what I expected, but I felt like I was in a little bit of a mall when I was there. I'm feeling that a lot lately, but that's another post for another day. The thing about the mall, no matter where you encounter it, is that it's so under stimulating. I couldn't get excited. Maybe that's more my special issues with food- it's not as much fun for me as it would have been four years ago- but after less than an hour I was itching to leave.

We went to the Museum of Science next door and after wandering through the visiting dinosaur and Harry Potter science exhibit (don't get excited, it's six posters) and the Evolution/Human Body fixture, the girls and I walked into "What I Eat: Around the World in 25 Diets". Wow.

I want everyone who has ever recited the mantra "calories in, calories out" to go see this. Every person who has ever said someone must be heavy, overweight or obese because of their "lifestyle choices" should see for themselves how well their theory holds up under real-life conditions.

Okay, you're not members or you don't live in Boston? Here, take a look at this website. The exhibit is based on a book that tracked 80 diets in total. Click on "A Taste" on the menu bar to see what six of them look like (some of them aren't from the book). The man in Minnesota is probably overweight- but considering he eats over 3000 calories per day, not nearly as much as we would assume. The woman in Namibia is 5'1" and 120 pounds. Under the "80s rules", she'd be considered 15 pounds overweight, although I think she looks thin. But she's eating 2000 calories per day, which is the recommended daily allowance many people adopt. Then there's the young Iranian man who eats 2800 calories per day and appears, from where I'm sitting, to be on the slim side.

The pictures on the website aren't as dramatic as those in the museum. They went from a Masaai woman who ate only 800 calories per day to the British woman with a binge eating disorder who ate 12,300 calories per day. The Masaai woman was incredibly thin, but not a skeleton; the binger was 230 pounds and 5'1" or 5'2"- obese, but nothing compared to what you would think she would be. Okay... then there was the sumo wrestler who was 400 pounds on a diet of 3500 daily calories. Next up was the German baker who consumed 3700 calories per day and was not overweight at all.

The ones that stood out to me the most were the sedentary subjects. There was a young Chinese gamer who ate about 1600 calories per day and basically didn't leave his chair for hours at a time; he was 6'1" and on the thin side. Then there was the Indian support center employee who was 5'7" and very slim, despite a diet of over 3000 calories per day and a long commute. But both of those guys had nothing on the mother of eight in Central America who ate 3800 calories per day and looked not just thin but drawn. She had an "active lifestyle"- she's a farmer- but that's still almost double what we recommend people eat.

There was a young woman in Venezuela who ate 4000 calories per day and was 20 pounds overweight. However, it seems her weight gain was attributable not to her diet but to a year-long visit in the US.

The whole thing almost makes you think that there's more to your weight than simply how much you eat and exercise. That's because there is. You cannot hold two different bodies, even those from the same family, to the same standard. When someone says that they eat a healthy diet and they exercise regularly but their bodies are still large, our first instinct should not be to assume that they are lying. If we're truly a scientific people, we should realize that the theory we've been holding people to is wrong.

With that in mind, you can imagine my reaction when my seventeen-year-old told me the next day that the mother of one of her friends says things to her to make her feel bad about her weight. It is not as simple as "you're fat" or "you need to lose weight". It's insidious things, like asking her if she's planning on going for a run, leaving pamphlets for a fitness class or making it clear that she shouldn't take seconds at dinner. This girl is eighteen years old.

When my daughter saw me turn red, she added that her friend had been told that she was obese. I nodded. I always used to say that I didn't care what my children looked like as long as their doctor didn't care. Well, five years later, I care even less now. I told my daughter to tell her friend that she should ask to get her cholesterol, blood pressure and blood sugar tested. Make her find out what those numbers are before she endures brow-beating from her peers and family.

I knew this child when she was younger. She was smaller. As soon as she hit puberty, she got bigger. That's what happens to some people. I've met the girl's parents, and it's pretty clear to me that she got one of their body types. That happens too. And it also happens, all too often, that parents won't be satisfied with the way their child looks. This is not the first time I've heard that this girl was "spoken to" by her parent, and I'm guessing it has something to do with her low self-esteem and the posts she's made sometimes about how much she hates herself, particularly during the summer when people have to wear revealing clothing.

This a very intelligent girl who managed to get a full scholarship to a prestigious private university. She also has a biting sense of humor and a pretty big internet following (there was a tweet that got picked up by a sitcom star- long story). She has also been a good friend to my daughter. No child should hate him- or herself, but above all not this one. And that she would hate herself over her size? I don't have words.

I don't think, unfortunately, that there is anything any of you can do for this girl. But go see the exhibit, go look at the website and maybe buy the book. See what other people and their diets look like. Then think about that the next time you see someone who is heavy. Before you assume you're looking at a moral failure, remember you're looking at a person.

Deb in the City

The week in review

2011-06-24T12:45:00.003-04:00

By "the" I mean "my", with a little bit of "the".

A week and a half ago, I "met" a savvy indie author and e-marketer named L.M. Stull. If you're trying to increase your web presence, for whatever reason, check her stuff out. Jeez Louise- she even makes a good argument for using LinkedIn! So last week I spent a good bit of time thinking through my e-marketing strategy, which makes me giggle as I write it, but is fun in that way that making lists of things is fun.

This week was about putting a lot of that into action. I wrote blog posts- I got comments- lots of them. I connected and reconnected with people. I talked about some accomplishments. I'm visible, babies!

How do I know? Because I was attacked. On Amazon, of all places. No, I don't have a book up there, I just have a lot of reviews. I got more negative votes this last week than I ever have over a seven day period. I'm still shaking my head. Of all of the places to attack me, that's so... lame. I mean, start a Twitter campaign against me or something- then the knives can really come out. When I received a nasty email about the whole thing from someone who had nothing to do with it, I knew I wasn't crazy. It's so nice not to be crazy.

Um, well, at least I know people are reading what I write... right? Whatever.

When I wasn't drawing attention to myself, I actually was hanging out with the kids. We even went out- in the rain. I hate going out in the rain, but they can't spend too much time at home without going crazy. Simon, still really upset about his sisters going away without him, needed a little bit of walking time. It just stinks that it had to be in the rain, but fortunately it wasn't that cold.

I also rediscovered my love for juicing and smoothies. A friend in NYC last year turned me onto pineapple-beet, which is so good. I'll put carrots into anything. Anyone have any good suggestions?

I also managed to pay attention to the news. Wow, is this country's media worked up into a lather about NATO or what? All it takes is a speech by an outgoing Secretary of Defense and suddenly every reporter worth his or her salt wants to start talking about something that's been an issue for two decades. People- you look like puppets, just so you know, and I have never taken you less seriously than I do this week.

And speaking of old issues- shut up, they actually caught up with Whitey Bulger. Wow, that only took 16 years. Thank you, FBI, for finally getting your job done and tracking down an octogenarian and his highly visible girlfriend. Now if you could find those paintings stolen from the Gardner, you're going to start looking competent.

In more up-to-date news, Obama is removing the 33k surge troops from Afghanistan and leaving the rest for "security". That's about 67k, by my calculations. That's a lot.

Finally, this last tidbit is the oldest of all. The Equal Rights Amendment is coming up again, 88 years after it was first introduced, and the same week that the Supreme Court decided that Wal-Mart was not going to be subject to a class-action discrimination suit. I'm crossing my fingers, but I'm not holding my breath. However, I will say that I will happily make this a litmus test when I go into the voting booth in 2012. Time to stop taking my vote for granted.

Deb in the City

Kung Fu Panda 2 doesn't suck

2011-06-22T16:26:00.003-04:00

And by "doesn't suck" I mean it's really good.

I took my sons to a movie today because they are heartbroken that their sisters are yet again doing something with a relative that they can't. Last year, I would have shrugged it off, but this year I feel bad. They're not (entirely) unreasonable babies who don't listen, and they are old enough to feel excluded. I can't make anyone do anything with them, but I can give them a little consolation.

Simon really wanted to see this in 3D, but I boycott those as much as I can- and that's becoming increasingly more difficult. It's not just that they are about $4 more per ticket than a 2D (?) movie, and that adds up quickly; it's that those stupid glasses give me a headache. I am going to pay $4 for a headache why?

We got to the theater right on time, which is amazing for us. We almost always end up at the theater early, and I hate having to sit through the preview-previews. Never fear though, we did get to see some trailers. "The Smurfs" looks terrible- "Alvin and the Chipmunks" terrible. And while I understand what Hank Azaria is doing in that movie, what is Neil Patrick Harris doing there? My daughters are going to be heartbroken. However, the new "Spy Kids" looks really good- I just might have to risk a headache for that after all.

But onto the main feature... If you wondered how a panda came to be raised by a goose, this film will answer your question. A villainous peacock named Shen with delusions of grandeur (obviously, because he's a peacock) and mommy and daddy issues is behind both Po's displacement and an impending attack on all of Kung Fu. When I first heard this line in other trailers, I scoffed. No, seriously, how do you attack Kung Fu? And then I saw this, and I got it. Shen is going to use the cannon he has created to destroy all of the Kung Fu masters. Because I've been thinking about technology a lot lately- today, even- I thought this was more than a clever plot device: it's an accurate commentary on our times. The kids might not get it, but I think other parents will.

You can guess what happens- or doesn't happen, because this is a funny animated children's movie. It's also effectively touching and genuinely exciting. I felt kind of silly as I gasped watching the daring feats of, well, animated characters, but when you take into account how impressed we are by what Yoda can do in the later Star Wars movies, and that's all CGI, maybe it's not too shameful.

Perhaps most importantly, this is the right kind of funny. The moments open with something serious, but then riff into something to break the tension. Fortunately, it doesn't go on forever either, because that can get pretty old. One scene went something like this:

Shen: I scarred you.
Po: I've got news for you, scars heal.
Shen: No they don't.
Po: Oh, you're right. What, wounds heal? What do scars do, they fade?

It's almost as if the animated characters are ad-libbing, but they have enough self control not to go too far. Almost.

It was also nice that this didn't have a lot of gross-out humor, unless you consider Po's huge appetite "gross". That's noteworthy these days. The last few films I've taken the kids to have depended a lot on that, and it sounds like that's the trend in adult comedies too. Mental note: animals are not as gross as human beings.

There were at least two strands in the movie that made it pretty clear there was more story to get to in a Kung Fu Panda 3. I'm... looking forward to it. And "Spy Kids 4D".

It's pretty cool when things don't suck.

Deb in the City

Ahem...

2011-06-16T21:50:00.002-04:00

I have two announcements. Due to the advanced hour, I shall make them brief.

First, I have started a new blog called, of all things, Written by Deb. It's a reader-focused blog that will feed my new Facebook Author Page. This is not going to be about the publishing industry, the writing process or anything else most readers don't want to know about. It's going to be links to reviews, author sites, book sites and interviews. I'll only talk publishing if it's something that has a dramatic effect on how readers access books: stories about towns scrambling for options after all the book stores have closed is something that is worth mentioning there; how an author made the decision to go indie or stay traditional probably isn't.

I've blasted this on Facebook and Twitter, but because there are a handful of people who read this blog and don't follow me on Twitter and aren't my friend on Facebook- why, I don't know; I'm very entertaining- I'm posting this here... and apologizing if I've crossed the line into spam.

Second, that's a picture of me. No, really, that is me. I also promise you that I have four children, I'm married and I live in Boston (the previous photo was meant to indicate as much). I've written about the value of privacy, but in light of this week's revelations, I felt like a picture might not be a bad thing.

And that's what passes for brief around here,

Deb in the City

The bright line

2011-06-13T17:16:00.004-04:00

I'm going to define fiction and non-fiction for you right now. I'm going to make it really easy. I'm not going to talk about symbolism or metaphor or the shape of a story; just the bare bones.

Fiction- it didn't happen.

Non-fiction- it happened, or it's very clearly instructions, an opinion or a reflection on research- which also deals with things that happened.

I'm sure I'm leaving something out, but hopefully you get the idea. The important thing is that there's a difference. Non-fiction or "it happened" is going to be pretty strict. If you introduce something that did NOT happen and don't present it as speculation or imagination, you are now writing fiction whether you like it or not.

Is that too strict? Pity- it's the price we pay for integrity. Because if you write something that you're trying to pass off as non-fiction- whether it's history, memoir or instructions on how to build a house- and you insert one thing that didn't happen and I find out about it, I don't trust you anymore. Even if I can tell you're bs'ing me, that's no excuse.

When you say "non-fiction", I translate that to mean "fact". If you're not doing that, be upfront about it. Otherwise, you're a liar.

I get why people have trouble with this, especially in memoir. I've read a few that made me roll my eyes and cringe in embarrassment. A memoir, to me, sounds like an autobiography- sometimes it's shortened, sometimes it's not. It used to be that you didn't get an autobiography published unless the public already cared about you; these days, if you've got a hook, it's a possibility. Fair enough, but then if I don't care about you already, make it in the service of a larger story, like the state of health care, the evolution of the intelligence community or a discussion of a psychological disorder. And if you can write in such a way that you aren't the star of every scene you're in, so much the better. That's a sign of a bs artist and a lousy writer. If you can't tell the truth- about your life- and still be interesting enough to read, write something else. (The New York Times had an even harsher opinion.)

All of the above now said, it's not memoir that has me seeing red today. Of all things, it's blogs.

Some authors are creating blogs that are written from the point of view of their characters. I think that's a lot of work, but I also think it's really neat. Anyone who has ever been inspired to write fan fiction about a favorite character or book can see the appeal. Lisette Brodey is doing a hilarious job of this with her character Molly Hacker from the upcoming "Molly Hacker Is Too Picky!".

Ms. Hacker has also been doing interviews with authors Ms. Brodey knows. Why is that also kind of hilarious? Because the other authors- and the readers of the blog- know that Ms. Hacker is really Ms. Brodey (or vice versa, depending on your point of view). You know what wouldn't be funny? If Ms. Brodey genuinely pretended to be someone named Molly Hacker, interviewed these other people and published it on her blog as someone who really existed named Molly Hacker. The interviews are informative, but they're also done with a wink to everyone involved. Without the wink, it's a lie.

Pretend that happened though. People would be irritated and feel lied to and angry emails would probably ensue. There might be a bit of a Twitter dust up. In the end though, the only people who would really be affected are the authors and the readers of the blog. It wouldn't be an incident of international significance.

You know what was? Some male, 40 year old twerp of a would-be writer pretending to be a 35 year old lesbian living in Syria who was being harassed by the Syrian government during the protests and then recently arrested. I didn't follow the blog, but I did note on other blogs I follow the intense concern that resulted from this woman's arrest.

We can all calm down now, because this wasn't real. There was no 35 year old lesbian being harassed and arrested in Syria. So if you hear otherwise about anyone else, tut tut! It's probably just another fake too.

Right? Wrong? We don't know. I suppose we never really do know, but now we really don't know.

(This just in: the founder of 'Lez Get Real' is not a lesbian named Paula Brooks but a man named Bill Graber. Wasn't this one of the subplots in a William Burroughs novel?)

Forget the little existential head trip this might cause you (I mean, you suspected all along that the people you converse with on social media didn't really look like cats, right?). What this man did in an obvious attempt to build a writing career was give credence to the narrative of the establishment in Syria- and many other places where the population is rising up against their totalitarian rulers- that all dissent is 1) manufactured and 2) imported. This is an insult to the hundreds who have been killed in Syria by their own government in the past few months, or even those who have "simply" been wrongly harassed and detained.

Authors- writers- at the end of the day have one thing: their words. Some might say that's all any of us have, but in our case it is our trade. Does memory play tricks on us? Of course, and there is room to distinguish between a genuine, honest error and an intentional misrepresentation. But we must do our utmost to make sure that when we write, we're writing truth- whether it's our truth or THE truth. Otherwise our words are meaningless.

And so are we.

Deb in the City

My version of NIMBY

2011-06-10T10:32:00.005-04:00

NIMBY is short for Not In My Back Yard. We're going to expand that to Not In My State and Not In My Country.

Massachusetts Representative Ryan Fattman, Republican of Sutton, said the following about undocumented immigrants coming forward to report a crime against them:

“My thought is that if someone is here illegally, they should be afraid to come forward,” Mr. Fattman said. “If you do it the right way, you don’t have to be concerned about these things…”

Once again, it's stuff I can't even make up.

Representative Sutton, if you believe that a crime victim- any crime victim- should suffer in silence- because that is the net effect of people being afraid to come forward to report a crime- then you are not fit for your office. Your views are dangerous to the people of the United States, Massachusetts and Sutton. While predators may be opportunistic and seek out those who are most vulnerable and least likely to report a crime against them, do you honestly believe that undocumented immigrants are the only people who fall into that category? Are there no other such vulnerable people in your district? If so, lucky Sutton! I know that is not the case for Boston, the rest of Massachusetts or the rest of the country.

This writer says it much better than I can.

Rep. Fattman, you are a disgrace to your office. I will happily donate to your competitor in the next election, and I urge everyone else I know to do the same.

Deb in the City

Am I really magical because of my anatomy?

2011-06-09T07:43:00.004-04:00

I received an email a few days ago that, frankly, irked the Hell out of me. I'll paraphrase: women are awesome, and don't underestimate our power.

I see these things all the time. I suppose, as a woman, a member of a group of people that still doesn't have equal rights guarantees, I should be grateful for such a sentiment. Well, I'm not.

I'm going to assume that those messages apply to people born with a uterus, ovaries and a vagina. There doesn't seem to be any other qualification to be, well, so great. I guess, then, I'd like to know what it is about those organs that makes us so fabulous? They are essential to producing children? What if you can't produce children? They are correlated with high levels of estrogen? Estrogen is so great because...? Having gone on record about my feelings about testosterone, I just can't get excited about any other hormone.

But do these messages mean people who are socialized to be women? Well then, which part of our standard gender role? The part that is expected to be nurturing, or the part that's supposed to be an on-call sex goddess? The part that's supposed to be highly communicative and in touch with our and everyone else's feelings? It's a complicated construct- I need a little more information.

I'm missing some of the classic stereotypes, I know, but I can't think of one that makes us more fabulous than the rest of the human race.

On most weeks, this communication wouldn't bother me so much. But between then and now I came across two stories that turned my stomach. The first was about a man who committed suicide in 2003. It came out that when he was a little boy- five?- he was subjected to a gender reassignment experiment that entailed rewards if he did enough "masculine" things and punishments if he did "feminine" things. By "punishment", I mean severe beatings. I wanted to vomit when I read this. Right- he was also 38 when he took his own life. That's my age now.

Is the world an easier to live in place when your behavior conforms to your anatomy? Yes, it still is. But I have met a number of people who don't stick to the script and are just fine. Happy, productive people- with families! Many of them have to stick up for themselves more than they should, but not so much that they need to pretend that they are something they are not. Happiness can be found without conformity, and people who say otherwise are kidding themselves- and you.

The other story that really got to me this week was a reminder of the dwindling number of girls in certain parts of Asia and Eastern Europe. Thanks to the availability of abortions and ultrasound machines, parents can tell what they're having and then abort what they don't want. Guess what many parents don't want and will abort if they can? A child with ovaries, a uterus and a vagina. I guess those children are different after all.

Or they're not.

I have four children, two of whom are girls and two of whom are boys. They are not that different. Three of them are perfectionists who frustrate easily. A different combination of three has the same selective hearing problem. All of them have been known to go off into their own little world and have a well-developed social conscience- ask my sons sometime about the War on Women. But yes, there are differences. The girls are gigantic, and the boys are small to average. And there was a difference in their in-utero activity level: the oldest girl would kick so hard and often that she'd wake me up, while the other three were by comparison much calmer.

I suspect your family may vary- I'd be surprised if it didn't. But tell me, should I- should you- treat the children with penises differently from the children with vaginas because that's what we're supposed to do? Shouldn't we treat them as their nature demands, regardless of their anatomy?

My sons have put on their sisters' clothing inside and outside of the house. (But don't worry- one of them has already told me in disgust that he won't decorate a costume in pink because he doesn't want to be embarrassed.) They have also taken an action figure and turned it into a baby with a crib. They are expressive and nurturing, and I'm always blown away with what they come up with. They are also very aggressive. They've got a lot going on! If someone told me that they were deficient and needed to be fixed, I would do what any good parent would do and shove that person down a flight of stairs.

Those female fetuses that aren't making it to birth could go on to be mathematicians, scientists, heads of business and anything else they wanted to be. Their reproductive anatomy does not- I repeat, does not- preclude them from being financial contributors and otherwise productive members of their civilization.

Those female fetuses could also grow up to be jerks who don't, by the magical nature of their anatomy, instantly improve circumstances around them. Life is funny like that- you don't know what you'll find until you get there. Let's stop pretending otherwise.

Deb in the City

The real problem with Weiner

2011-06-07T04:30:00.003-04:00

I am leery of things everyone else loves. Hearing people fawn over Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lost, a professor or President Obama makes me feel like someone is scraping their nails against a chalkboard. I think some of this is in my nature, but it was only heightened by being bullied when I was younger. If the popular kids love something- and that almost always makes it popular- then I narrow my eyes.

So Representative Anthony Weiner immediately made me suspicious. Friends with politics similar to mine were falling all over themselves about how awesome he was for, as I saw it, doing his job and calling out the hypocrisy of his Republican colleagues. He was a loud, booming performer- and for a number of reasons he had the stage all to himself.

I wasn't at all surprised to hear that he was eying the post of Mayor of New York City, and most seemed to accept that he most likely was kicking off his campaign on the floor of the House of Representatives. But he's so awesome! This is exactly what our party needs! I hope he wins!

Mmm hmm.

Don't get me wrong- he's funny, and everything I heard him say was correct. I just can't stand a showman. Yes, I know, politician is generally not that far away from performer. But Weiner was doing more than just making his points for his district. He became- and I'm sure he knew- the voice of the disgusted Democrats all over the country who wondered why the Hell their politicians were playing dead. He was not just the Gentleman from New York, but a man of the people. Perhaps, for at least a few moments, The man of the people.

I don't care what his personal relationships were since it sounds like no one was getting hurt via the messages, phone calls and, ahem, pictures. I will say, however, that a forty-something hitting on multiple twenty-somethings is pretty lame- in the same way it's lame for a professor to hit on students. It's legal, it happens all the time, but it doesn't make me think, wow, you must be something. It makes me think, wow, you might have some maturity-delays. (Right... politician.) I will also say that if my husband did these things, I would divorce him. If he doesn't lose his marriage over this, then I hope it's because they have some kind of arrangement where it's okay for her to have phone sex, sext and send pictures of herself to... everyone.

Sending a sexualized picture of yourself via Twitter is an idiot thing to do. There's no getting around that. I want to say it shows a lack of discretion, but who cares because he wasn't known for that anyway. What it really shows is a lack of intelligence, because I do believe that he wasn't trying to send the picture via Twitter. Mental note, politicians: when you want to send pictures of yourself to *one* person, make sure all of the other applications on your smartphone are closed first. Got it? Good.

While I've got you, Senators and Representatives, let me tell you something else: *you* are the people I am really angry with. Weiner would not have been such a big deal if you had been doing your jobs. For Republicans, that means living up to the rules you made now that you're in charge; for Democrats, that means calling them on it when they don't. Yes, a demagogue is a dangerous thing, but your complacent complicity is creating the vacuum that invites them. Save you're shocked, shocked condemnations and get to work.

Deb in the City

"Meaningful is one of my favorite words."

2011-06-05T13:57:00.003-04:00

(Inspired by FS)

I mentioned this before, but I've written four manuscripts. I'm a little cagey about describing them further because I don't want to have the "genre" conversation- and I know most of the people who read this don't want to have it either. We'll just call it fiction for now.

For a couple of reasons I don't talk too much about my writing here. Part of it is that I want to have something tangible first. Well, now I do (after a fashion), so I'm working on my "promotional strategy". Some of you may know this as "building a platform", but I've spent too much time with marketing people to like that phrase.

I've been blogging for a while. I've been on Facebook for a few years, and I'm upping my game on Twitter. There's some "promotional value" to what I've been doing, but honestly, not that much. I'm talking about things I care about; sometimes it's writing, sometimes it's politics, sometimes it's my children. Trust me, when you see what my manuscripts are about, you're not going to feel like our mutual interests have been exploited.

But... I guess it's good to have my blog readers, Facebook friends and Twitter followers, because whatever strategy you're using to get yourself known, it all comes down to eyeballs. Right?

Maybe.

I have 1100+ followers on Twitter. Yay me. I've warmed to it in the last year, and the immediacy has allowed me to "meet" new people and find new sources of information. It's also been the venue where I've found the most writers, and some of them have been really helpful.

However, not all interactions on Twitter are equal. Some names pop up all the time and make me groan. Congratulations on publishing your book- independently or through a publishing house- and for being so diligent in the promotion of your work. But... if I see you posting something EVERY hour about it, I care less. After a few days, I'm not even annoyed; you simply become white noise. Even if you're not talking about your book, I'm going to be suspicious about all of your posts after that, for a while. Forgive me, but I've got 1100 other followers to keep track of.

You know what's really not helpful? When someone expresses their gratitude for the fact that I'm following them by sending an invitation to me to play Mafia War with them on Facebook. Sorry, is there anything on my profile that speaks to a love of Zynga games? Of course there isn't, but the people who are spamming me aren't reading my profile. They probably have a bunch of followers to get through as well, and that would take too much time.

So how does a successful social media interaction work? The same way it works at a dinner party. Start a conversation with me about my interests, or even just start a conversation. One mutual follower simply asked how my writing was going that week. I replied, she replied and within an hour we had a robust conversation about publishing. Another writer looked at my 140 character profile and saw that I homeschooled. So did she, and she sent me a message remarking about that. Another enlightening conversation about publishing followed. This has happened in tweets; I've commented about math- and history- and people have replied and we've conversed. In one case, I've gotten a book out of it.

Responding to people's interests... crazy, right?

In case you were wondering, people are still misusing email as well. If you send me an email about your project and I reply back, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's appropriate for you to reply back, at least in acknowledgement that you received my reply. This is not beneath big deal subject matter experts, and if you're a new writer, it's not beneath you either. If you don't, I'm going to assume that you've spammed me and not read any further emails you might send about anything else.

Finally, if you're one of my Facebook friends and you want me to "Like" something, I need a good reason to do that, especially if we're not, you know, close. (I think everyone would define "closeness" differently, but for our purposes I think it could be related to the interactions we have on Facebook, Twitter or email if I don't see you in person.) Maybe it's related to a cause I care about, maybe I'm genuinely impressed with your work, but if not, you've got to sell it.

I try not to analyze social media too much here, because I appreciate that after a certain point it's talking about talk and I'd prefer to talk about events and ideas (which, I know, makes me something of a middling mind according to the old saying). But I noticed the NPR article about how many friends (or meaningful contacts) we really have. I've got over 400 Facebook friends, but I don't think even 150 of them are people I could call in a jam- or that would be locks to buy anything I publish. They are potential eyeballs, but to paraphrase what many politicians have said, if I want to make them anything else, I have to earn it.

Social media can work as promotion, but the rules are the same online as they are off. You have to give people a reason to care- and you have to have a product they're going to care about. Oh yeah: your interactions and promotion have to be meaningful. Otherwise you are talking to yourself... while thousands of people are watching. Easy to do, but it doesn't sell anything.

Deb in the City

The Cost of Education

2011-06-01T21:25:00.006-04:00

My oldest has been accepted to five colleges so far- we're still waiting to hear from two more. All of them gave her aid, but with one exception, all of them would have left her with a significant debt, anywhere between $24,000 and $108,000. If she had really, really wanted to, I would have let her go to one of those schools, but she's not stupid and she can do math. So when the state school in Boston offered her a package that would, at the most, leave her with $12,000 in debt (or nothing at all) AND had a good reputation for the subject she wanted to study, she knew it was a good deal.

I have been worrying about this since she started taking classes at our local community college; I have been worried about this since *I* was in school. If I didn't have a parent who taught somewhere, I couldn't have gone to college, period. That may not have been a tragedy, given my age cohort, but I'm pretty sure my Bachelors degree got me in the door more quickly a few times. It was, at times, good to have.

I'm paranoid, cheap, provincial and old-fashioned, but I finally feel that I'm not alone. Don't worry, there are still plenty of people who don't approve of my decision to send my child to a state school when she could have gone to a higher ranked school, but I'm pretty sure they're in the minority, and I've got about eight articles published in the last two months to prove it.

I'm sorry, I have nine.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine

Almost all of them are via my 20-something friends who have gotten out of grad school and are looking at their debt versus their job prospects and not seeing the balance, but I think some of my PhD candidate friends have put up similar links. Please read them- with the exception of N-Plus-One, they're all pretty easy to get through.

[Let's back up. When I see my own opinion reflected back at me on a computer screen (written by someone else), I'm excited because, at last, I'm not alone. When I see the same thing five times, in your face, I'm right. But when I see eight or nine articles, I scratch my head. What's up with that? Why is everyone so excited about this right now? Is it because a successful internet entrepreneur put the Bubble framework around it? Is it because of the proposed rulings about the for-profit college loans? Have more people defaulted on their loans than before? I don't know, and it makes me wonder. But don't worry, I'll still be skeptical about spending 1/5 of a million on a four-year education after everyone else has moved onto something else. And if you don't believe the skepticism, I have witnesses.]

Read these pieces, but I'll sum up: college kids aren't getting the value out of their education that they used to, and the marketing behind it is eerily similar to what was behind the Housing and Internet Bubbles. And the "investment strategy" behind an expensive education is, ultimately, as specious as it was for housing. People are spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on bachelors, masters and doctorate degrees and not coming out with a job to show for it afterward. Yes, you really do need a college degree to get a job... but sometimes that job is bartending or food service. Which means the people who got those before- who traditionally only needed high school diplomas, or sometimes less- are screwed.

Originally, I was going to call this "The Cost of Higher Education", but two days ago I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal that talked about the cost of attending public school. I do not mean public colleges; I mean public K-12 schools. And I don't mean cost as reflected in taxes; I mean the fees a parent has to pay for their child not just to participate in after school activities or sports; I mean English class. And beyond supplies- I'm well used to teachers putting out plaintive notes asking for paper and tissues- I mean registration fees, textbooks and riding the bus. Even after removing my children from school over a year ago, I still feel punched in the gut when I think about having to scramble to pay for these expenses.

What are these ten links saying? That for all of the hype about the importance of education to our country's future, our country presently doesn't consider it important enough to fund. Very well, fellow Americans. I have a solution for K-12, and we're managing something for college now. I just hope I can be a little more clever by the time my younger children are ready to move on as well.

Deb in the City

The trouble with testosterone

2011-05-24T17:03:00.001-04:00

Testosterone- that poor, controversial little hormone.

As the name suggests, it's produced in men by the testes (and the adrenal glands). It helps men do those male things, like deepen their voices, enable a sex drive and produce sperm. No testosterone, no sperm, no babies. Thanks, testosterone.

But guess what? Women produce testosterone too in our adrenal glands and, of all places, our ovaries, those silly bisexual little reproductive organs of ours. We actually need it in order for our ovaries to properly function. And what's one of the primary functions of our ovaries? Producing ova (egg). No testosterone, no ova, no babies. Thanks again, testosterone.

If you're feeling grateful to testosterone right now, you obviously didn't hear about it in last week's big stories where it was held to be accountable for 1) men being non-communicative jerks and 2) "people" not finding black women as attractive as other women. Huh.

I am pleased over all that Chaz Bono's journey from female to male has been met with such positive media attention. Transgender people are on the map and part of the discussion. Bono has put a somewhat familiar face on a group of people many others have been squeamish about.

But... damn, he's saying some indefensible things. Because he's now on testosterone, he has no patience for what his longtime girlfriend is talking about. Because he's on testosterone, he can now access his anger. Because he's on testosterone, he's more gadget oriented. I can't even make this stuff up.

This is an issue with memoir: to a certain extent, the reader doesn't have the right to question another individual's experience of their own life. What Bono ends up saying is, because of testosterone, I have the male body I feel more comfortable in. I don't feel any need to argue with that. But I don't hear anyone of his interviewers pausing as he makes his claims. "Well, Mr. Bono, I think we can understand this is your experience, but the science on that hasn't been confirmed." Is that obnoxious? Maybe, but it's also part of a responsible journalist's job.

In a way, I don't really expect more. This is the same group of people that shined a light on a certain idiot millionaire for over a month as he spouted ridiculous conspiracy theories about President Obama. The truth is that these people don't really have the job description they used to have. So, eh, who cares?

I care. No one is questioning Chaz Bono's story about himself because it reinforces a narrative about how testosterone makes men bigger, badder, stronger, better with numbers, analytic thinking and more sexed up than any woman could ever hope to be. (I'd like it noted that this is one of the few times where we can put "analytic thinking" in the same sentence as "sex". Damn testosterone- you are a super hormone!) I suspect that if Bono's story had been different, it wouldn't have been picked up as eagerly.

(To all of you who would argue that men and women are different and that much of that difference is testosterone, please go read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine. I bet it's in your library. If you don't want to read the 239 pages of text and 42 pages of notes, please take a look then at this study. In addition to proving some points about how negative gender stereotypes reinforce themselves, it also includes the concept of high testosterone individuals- including women. If our testosterone levels are high, we can be as vulnerable to the effects of the hormone- in this case, causing us to be more status-conscious- as men. Go figure.)

Just as I'm recovering from Bono's interviews, I read one of the worst articles that has been published in a mainstream publication in the last twenty years. Psychology Today should be ashamed of itself for publishing an article asking Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women? Don't look on their site- they took it down after thousands of people complained. It's not just a racist piece of garbage, it's also less analytical than a seventh grade research paper.

But... do you know why black women aren't rated attractive as often? Were you going to say something like institutional racism? Were you going to say that they don't have as much status value? That's our soft-science culture for you. No, silly- it's testosterone! Africans have more testosterone than anyone else, men and women. On men, it makes them more attractively masculine, on women, it makes them less feminine. Light bulb! And now it all makes sense. Whatever beauty you appreciated in Alek Wek, Naomi Campbell, Beverly Johnson, Iman, Naomi Sims and Jada Pinkett Smith obviously proves how much you like masculine or androgynous features. Right? And I' sure Dr. Kanazawa made sure that all of the models who were photographed for the study- black, white, Native American, Latina- had their testosterone levels measured beforehand so he could compare the participants' reactions with the actual levels. No? Maybe that's why there's talk of him losing his job at the London School of Economics.

I am not saying that testosterone is neutral. It's obviously not, and that's why Bono and other females transitioning to male take it. I am not arguing that there are physical changes and that it can have an effect on mood. However, it's not nearly as simple as both of these stories would have us believe. I'm pleased that in one case there was an outcry, but I'm nervous that in the other people nodded, shrugged and moved on. I can access my anger very well, and I bet it has more to do with my upbringing than my hormones. I don't like to listen to gossip either, but that feeling is pronounced now that I'm out of environments where that's part of the constant chatter. But it's true- I'm not very gadgety, although somehow I think that might be a function of my reluctance to invest money in electronic toys.

One might argue that I might be one of those high testosterone women... but I've been told I look very feminine. Whatever that means- or proves.

Deb in the City

I'm so spoiled

2011-05-20T16:57:00.005-04:00

I warn you, I'm complaining, possibly ranting. You're not going to feel sorry for me, but you might be mildly amused, either at my expense or in that universal way humor gets to us all. You've been warned.

My life is unstructured, but I've got a little bit of a routine going on in the morning. I'm attached to it. I wake up in the morning, sometime between 5 and 6, I work out and then I edit and write. Editing requires even more special alone time than writing because it requires me to read out loud. I've already made a number of passes at my manuscript, but reading out loud is the only way I can catch the mistakes that would otherwise make me bang my head. Writing- drafting?- requires some quiet time as well, for obvious reasons. I can and have written while people are jumping up and down around me, but it's slower and usually requires more correction.

I think my children are offended by my routine, and that is why for the past four days they have come up with some reason to get in the way. People have been waking up early for no good reason, but last night I did some calculations and observed that no one should need to wake up early this morning. So imagine my annoyance when one of my children's cell phones starting buzzing at about 7:30 this morning, twice. It was loud enough that one of the other children woke up, looked outside and started crying because the weather was bad and therefore he couldn't see his friend as he had hoped. (As it turned out, we couldn't see his friend because he had a fever, but that's another story.) My point? I didn't get as much done with as much focus as I'd been planning on.

When everyone woke up, I asked the child who owned the loud phone what happened. It turns out her friend had taken her phone and texted another friend of hers last night with a semi-suggestive message, and that friend had replied this morning. That reaction was understandable. Annoying, but understandable. I have no idea what got into her other friend though, and I'm not sure if I should say something to the other parents or not. Or maybe I should just keep the kids under lock and key.

Simon, meanwhile, was miserable about his friend. I felt bad too, so I agreed to replace the toy Jacob had thrown away during one of the purges last week. Suddenly everything was okay. First we thought we'd go by bus, but then we decided to get a ZipCar and run another few errands. We'd be productive, he'd be happy, all would be well.

But then the five of us walked into Toys R Us. Sam, Jaz and I collectively shuddered. Was it the brightness? The Hello Kitty Lego set? The plastic? The Hannibal Lecter doll? Maybe it was all of that. I know as a child I used to wish I could be more a part of that world, but I was aghast today. More to the point, my girls were too. After we found what the boys wanted, the three of us told them that they were never going to enter a store like that again. If they want toys, we can make them. (I'll take requests under advisement for birthdays.)

As the boys were getting carsick in the car they always want to drive in, the girls and I were reflecting on how lucky we are to live in a city. Are we, in fact, the ones who live in the bubble, and not the suburbanites? (So you know, that question is one posed by my children.) Those stores- that car- are not regular parts of our reality. Two and a half years ago, being confined almost solely to public transportation would have sounded like deprivation. Now it feels so liberating. There's a smell associated with all of it. Some people call it the new car/fresh plastic smell; I call it sterile, and it set off a coughing fit in Jacob.

The boys were so sick that I had to drop them off at home before I could buy groceries. So much for efficiency. I guess that means I'm going to have to come up with a better solution for grocery shopping. Oh well.

That's my story today, and part of why you have yet to have the pleasure of reading my thoughts on testosterone and Higher Education (separate thoughts, in case you're wondering). I'm thinking good thoughts for tomorrow, in part because I don't have to go anywhere. In the meantime, I'm going to collapse on my couch in my small little living room and be very thankful for what I don't have.

Deb in the City

The ultimate in Project Clean Up

2011-05-17T10:41:00.002-04:00

We all have our crosses to bear. My family's is that we have six people in a small space. Boo hoo. People all of the over world live in much smaller and can make it look much cleaner. The feeling of deprivation settles in when you have too much stuff for your space. Twisted, weird, but true.

I went into my children's room this morning and something snapped. Do they have a small space? Yes, and I'm genuinely sorry for that. But they also have a place for most of their stuff. They just choose not to use it. Or when they do use it, they use it with contempt. You can literally see contempt when someone puts their clothing into the drawer but doesn't fold it and leaves it gaping open.

The books piss me off. The boys are too short to put things up there, and I understand that, but the girls aren't. They just choose not to. Well, swell.

You know what I chose to do just now? Put everything I found on the floor, on the window sills and on top of their drawers in paper bags. Four of them in fact. They saw me walking back and forth from their room to the kitchen but didn't notice. Someone is in the room right now and doesn't seem to notice. I know this because no one is screaming.

There will be a showdown today, I'm sure. Which is good, because it's raining and I have nothing better to do until Jazmyn goes to Hebrew School. Or there won't, and I'll just end up throwing everything away.

But either way, friends and family, please don't get my children ANYTHING until you receive word that they've learned how to take care of what they already have.

Deb in the City

"Couldn't you tell?"

2011-05-14T17:21:00.005-04:00

Of my four children, Jacob is the one least likely to be identified as Korean. As it happens, his twin Simon is the most likely. Genes are funny that way. Jacob is more and more conscious of this, and seems to have decided that since he doesn't look as much like his half-Korean mom as his siblings do, he must look more like his Jewish father. So, yesterday, completely out of the blue, he announces, "And I'm Jewish." I stifle a laugh, and the woman he's talking to nods along. He then says, "Couldn't you tell?" She and I- and I think Jazmyn a few feet away- are trying very hard not to giggle at this point. "No," she says very seriously. "I couldn't."

When we talked about it later, I asked Jacob if Daddy looked Jewish. Yes. Does Sammy? Yes. Before I could continue, he started raspberrying us- he didn't like being amusing. But I just asked him now, and the verdict is that we all look Jewish, even me, even Simon.

I think he's right. Jews come in all shapes and sizes, and you can't tell by evaluating nose or hair. You can't tell who's "black" or South Asian by the shade of their skin, who's East Asian by the shape of their eyes and who's Latino by the language they speak. Self-identification is the result of a complex formula, and most people don't see the variables that go into it, and pre-judgment can make you look like a fool.

So how was it that I came to tweet "Bridesmaids- OMG! The ladieez get their own comedy movie! Oh look- they're ALL WHITE. I'm staying home, thanks." when Maya Rudolph, one of the co-stars, is half-black and half-Jewish? Is it that I am one of those people that has trouble carrying my lofty beliefs? There is more of that in many things than I care to admit. Is it that I haven't watched a lot of SNL and I'm not as up on the bios of the cast as I should be? Yes- for the last decade, I haven't been keeping up like I did before the kids and Sunday morning commitments.

But there's something else too. That's a link to Maya Rudolph as Condoleezza Rice. I did manage to see a few episodes of SNL in the last decade, and one of them included Rudolph playing Rice. This isn't the exact episode, but this is the same makeup.

You know what that looked like when I saw it? Dark makeup on a light woman to make her look like the African-American Secretary of State.

I had issues with that when I saw it, and I still do. Poor SNL. While Bush II wasn't the first president to have African-Americans in his cabinet, the Secretaries of Commerce, Health and Human Services and Veteran Affairs don't tend to be as funny as the Secretary of State and the National Security Advisor. So they didn't have anyone at the ready when an impression of Rice was needed for a skit, and they figured that the best way to get that across was to darken one actress' skin. I think that's pretty tasteless- just as I thought it was tasteless when they put "Asian" eye makeup on Mike Meyers to do an impression of an Asian man years before- but if they felt like looks were part of what they needed to get across, I guess I see the logic.

So... Rudolph wasn't black enough to play Rice on SNL. Forgive me, this is why I thought she was white. Silly me- I should have thought it through. It wasn't about Rudolph's ethnicity or skin color. The important thing was that whoever did the impression of Condoleezza Rice *really* needed to look dark-skinned no matter who played her, because that's essential to her character. Because they did the same thing for Colin Powell, right? Yep- except for the time Darrell Hammond played him and I think they actually made his face look even paler. Go figure. I'm sure the fact that the tabloids liked to sell the idea that Bush and Rice were having an affair had nothing whatsoever to do with the difference in treatment.

My apologies to Ms. Rudolph. I have no idea what, if anything, she classifies herself as, and I hope she is not offended that I assumed she was white. Never assume.

What I don't have to make any assumptions about is that the characters in this movie are almost all light-skinned. Um, isn't that the case for a lot of movies? Yes, but most of them don't try to blackmail me into buying tickets with Girl-Power/Make-Female-Comedy-Viable bs campaigns, blog posts and even movie reviews. Seriously, people. The fact that we have the same reproductive organs does not mean that you stand for what I stand for, and it doesn't even mean you look like me. The trailers- yes, I forced myself to watch- offend me: there's a fat woman who is alternately tough and gross; a loser looking for love in all the wrong places; and a manipulative, passive aggressive alpha-jerk. The person who seems to be the least messed up is, of course, the woman getting married. I am not going to see this just because I have a uterus.

I guess I should be relieved that these stereotypes are played by light-skinned people; broad Hollywood comedies using dark-skinned people with non-European facial morphology don't always take the high road. (Would the East Asian woman be the domineering dragon lady? Would the South Asian woman be the princess? Would the Latino woman be sexually voracious?) But it doesn't.

Somebody wake me up when they do a multi-ethnic update of "Julia" or "I Love Lucy".

Deb in the City

Mom's cheap thrills

2011-05-11T16:23:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, Michael, the boys and I were at Downtown Crossing. I fixed my watch, so now I'm a big girl/real person who can tell time without having to look at a cell phone. I met the menfolk at the Army/Navy store... and then I wanted to stay. I don't even know the word for someone who gets excited by really basic, sturdy, useful stuff, but I'm sure "geek" is in there somewhere.

Today I decided to take Jaz and the boys to Dollar-A-Pound in Kendall Square and then the Army/Navy store on Mass. Ave. They went with an older friend of theirs a few weeks ago and were just fascinated by the machine gun he bought. (His mother/my friend looked like she wanted to throw up, but I assured her that they had already been corrupted.)

For future reference, do not take young children to Kendall Square and then walk four blocks when it's raining and you're carrying a lunch bag. It's just annoying. The boys weren't entirely in love with the concept of a heapful of clothing on the floor until they realized they could jump into it. I didn't see anything for myself, in part because I was too distracted by the boys to dig deep, but we did find a shirt and pants for Jazmyn and paid all of $2.10 for both. Ha!

Jacob wanted to walk to the Army/Navy store because he "want[ed] to make his body strong." What a difference a year makes! However, because of the rain, we opted for the train instead. God, I love the train between 1 and 2- as Jazmyn noted, everything moved quickly. Then Jazmyn complained that the walk to the store wasn't that long. (Um, okay. These are good problems to have.)

On the way there, Jacob kept insisting that I should let him get the gun their friend got. I tried to fob it off on price, but they assured me that it was within the budget I'd set. Hmm. My boys are crazy, but they're not psychotic. They know that toys are toys and can tell, as well as any other six year old, the difference between playtime and real-life. They're energetic, but they're not malicious. Maybe a gun was a possibility.

But I couldn't do it. The price was right, but looking at a toy gun creeped me out, and the thought of my children playing with them made me ill. They just looked too much like the real thing. Jacob didn't care- he found a plastic samurai sword, for all of $2.99. Simon was not happy though, and showing him a Viking helmet and more metallic looking sword didn't help. He also had no interest in the bow and arrow Jacob had originally wanted. Finally, though, we found a small backpack filled with plastic soldier toys, helicopters... and whatever else they put in those things.

I paid $10.99 for those things, which is more than I usually like to spend on toys. But as soon as I came home, Simon and Jacob went into their room and became engrossed in their army/soldier/war play. Why does this not bother me? Probably in large part because Jacob has been singing, "Absolutely nothing! Say it again!" for the past two days.

Michael gasped with delight and surprise when he saw the toys and proceeded to play soldier with the boys on the homemade Risk board for fifteen minutes before he reluctantly returned to work. For $10.99, I could have done a lot worse.

Deb in the City

Protecting our children

2011-05-09T08:50:00.002-04:00

This Saturday, my husband, three youngest children and I went to the Boston Commons to participate in the Boston Slut Walk. There was a lot behind the walk: there were the repugnant cops in Ireland who made a joke about raping someone in their custody, there was the threatened defunding of Planned Parenthood, there was the House vote to change the definition of rape and the Toronto cops who thought that girls could avoid rape by not dressing as sluts. I've got a tip for these cops and politicians: remember, it's the 21st century.

I really, really wanted to go on this walk, and even more, I wanted my children to be there.

I know more than a few parents who will be speechless with shock that I would bring my children to something like this. They don’t expose their children to the news and rarely if ever discuss politics with them. They believe in maintaining their children’s innocence.

It’s a good thing most of these kids don’t listen to Justin Bieber, who recently was quoted making comments that were anti-choice and minimized rape. Or that their slightly older siblings didn’t ever watch anything Lindsay Lohan ever did and therefore wouldn’t have heard about the controversy over about her possibly using the word “colored” to describe our president. And of course no one has ever watched the Kate Gosselin “family” show and then followed her to visit Sarah Palin (please, don't make me put up a link for that). Let’s not even talk about the projection of the perfect nuclear family onto our screens (television and computer) that has not changed in about 60 years (don’t even argue that they are zanier and more slapstick; I’ve seen “I Love Lucy” and I know you’re wrong) or the constant exposure to stereotypes about anyone who isn't white and heterosexual, however ironically it might be done.

Yes, putting NPR on while my children are in the room or talking about bin Laden, the NRA or the assault on women’s rights is much more corrosive to my children.

The Hell of it is that I couldn’t keep this from them even if I wanted to. Last summer I took my children to run some errands and go to a playground in neighboring Brookline. Do you know what I saw on a usually quiet section of Harvard Street? A demonstration against abortion across the street from a playground (and not very near a clinic). I had been planning to have a discussion with the boys about abortion, but even I didn’t think it would happen at age 5.

There was some whining on Saturday when we were walking around the Commons, and Jazmyn’s allergies were bothering her. Of course, because it was me, some guy wanted to debate equity in the workforce, and my husband thought that maybe he didn’t need to be so close to me. (Possibly- I could tell he was drunk from about two feet away.) And we were at the back of the line. I am never at the back of the line when I’m walking! So it wasn’t a perfect day. But two things happened that made me feel like I hadn’t made a terrible mistake.

1. A young man saw me talking to the kids. He said something encouraging to my sons, then said, “You’re an awesome mother, by the way.” I laughed and looked at Jazmyn. “Tell that to my seventeen year old and my eleven year old.” He looked uncomfortable, and I quickly told him I was joking. Then he said, “Well, I’m seventeen.” I know nothing about anything, but the look on his face made me wonder if he wished his parents were there.

2. As we first started heading out, Simon and Jacob were talking to each other about why, in effect, we were marching. Before I could say anything, Jacob said, “Because they’re hurting women and children.” I looked at Michael. Did he tell them that? No. Somehow, Jacob picked that up all by himself.

There is much that I will protect my from, but women’s rights is not on that list.

Deb in the City

They don't play jazz in Nirvana

2011-05-07T21:17:00.002-04:00

My friend Beryl writes about business communication. Her posts are almost always about what goes on in an office setting, but I frequently find myself nodding when I read her latest because it applies to something that has happened to me, long out of an office. Her latest was about the need for specific praise and how it is ultimately more beneficial than saying “good job!” or, as she put it, being a human Facebook Like button.

My friend M. read the article and then sent me to a story in NY Magazine about how that same concept applies to parenting. Here, if you haven’t already seen it, go read it now. If you’re a parent, as soon as you’re done covering your mouth and bugging out your eyes, let’s chat.

My takeaway is that praising a child for their “native” intelligence can blow up in everyone’s face. “You’re so smart!” doesn’t end up making a child feel better; it ends up making him or her feel like their identity is tied up in their intelligence and if they do anything to jeopardize that they’re going to lose whatever value they have. However, if you praise a child for the effort or the work they are doing, they are more likely to take the “risk” of being wrong. Risks are good; when successful, they can also be called “innovations” and even “inventions”. The act of trying to solve a problem you've never encountered before also helps your brain develop in new ways. If anything, taking the risk has the potential to make you "smarter".

When I read the article, I cringed. That was me when I was younger, that is my children now and that is a lot of people I know. More importantly, it *wasn’t* the friends whom I admire so much now. Many of them had never been the alpha kids in any way, so they didn’t have anything to lose. Some people have all the luck.

I was thinking about this a lot yesterday, and I remembered Ken Burns’ Jazz series. I mean, I always remember that series, but in this case I was thinking about the insight he and Wynton Marsalis shared when they were on Charlie Rose’s show. The myth of the artist who needed drugs to achieve his or her genius is bs. They went to drugs because they were tormented, and it was that they were *so* driven that they were able to achieve despite it. Billie Holiday’s voice didn’t degrade because of age but because of heroin and alcohol; Charlie Parker made really good music on drugs, but he made great music off of them. The amazing thing is that they persisted in spite of their demons. Holiday learned how to negotiate around her voice, and Parker kept playing up until his death.

I’m no expert on anyone else’s life, but it seems that what separates those masters from everyone else was that their ambition was driven not only by a desire for recognition but by a passion for their work. Passion, for better or worse, can trump ego.

We are in danger of stilting our children’s drive to create and innovate by keeping them afraid of making mistakes. Our children have somehow been convinced that native intelligence and hard work are mutually exclusive. Worse, questions are a weakness; they indicate ignorance, not curiosity. This, I think, doesn't leave much room for the passionate pursuit of anything.

This is a rough game, but if you win you will be allowed to sit in the mountains and bask in your unquestioned intellectual superiority. You will simply Know All, and you will never have to prove yourself again. It’s Nirvana. I can totally see the appeal, I just don’t think you’re ever going to hear any jazz there.

Deb in the City

There is no justice, there is just us.

2011-05-04T18:40:00.002-04:00

Perhaps you've heard. After almost a decade, we finally got Osama bin Laden. The man who came up with the clever idea not to bomb a plane but to use a plane as a bomb and kill thousands of people in the US, and who previously killed hundreds on the USS Cole, was killed this weekend.

Do you feel any better now?

Some people certainly acted like it. They screamed in the streets and from their blogs, twitter accounts and Facebook pages about how great it was that this bastard was dead. They happily posted fake, dead pictures of bin Laden. It seemed not to matter too much that they were fake; it was the sentiment of having reduced the man to gore that they wanted to revel in.

Okay. Well, having now psychically smeared ourselves with his blood, do we really feel any better? Are we ready to move on?

The death toll on both sides in Afghanistan and, inexplicably, Iraq, is incomprehensible. And let us not forget the many who have come back injured- and then unaided. We have spent billions of dollars and lost much standing. But, finally, we got him. Can we end this nightmare now?

Well, not just yet. The President and the Secretary of State assure us that the war on terror continues, and Al Qaeda cannot hide from us. There is a very vague hint of what victory in Afghanistan would look like, but I have no idea what victory in the war on terror would be. Right now, the party line is that we're not done yet.

I don't think that's worth dancing in the street over.

Admittedly, my mellow is a little harshed right now as some people are strenuously asserting that we wouldn't have finally caught bin Laden if it hadn't been for waterboarding and other forms of torture. (Yes, it's torture. If anyone did that to our people, that's what would we call it then, too.) That claim appears to be untrue. Yes, there was some torture, but that was a while ago, and it seems to have led to conflicting information. To my layman ears, that seems like it could cause delays, but since the War on Terror goes beyond bin Laden, obviously, who cares?

It's sort of a shame that the president made his announcement mere hours after 60 Minutes aired its interview of Lara Logan in which she described the murder attempt she suffered in Egypt on the night Mubarak stepped down. People need to see this and hear her. Yes, it was a sexual assault, but they were trying to kill her while they were at it. She describes her hair being pulled in tufts as if they wanted to take pieces of her scalp. She describes how her injuries included overly stretched muscles; they were trying to tear her limb from limb.

As I heard her describe these things, I flashed to the first chapters of "A Tale of Two Cities" and the description one of the characters had of someone who was drawn, quartered and lost two limbs but still lived. It is that world that our founding fathers wanted to leave behind when they prohibited cruel and unusual punishment.

It's not okay when someone else does it, but it is okay when we do it. Or, to put it more succinctly, screw the Geneva Convention.

I think there is a chance that we will draw down in Afghanistan sooner because of bin Laden's death. Once we're out, I will dance in the streets too. But while we still have one set of rules for ourselves and another for everyone else, we have lost the war on terror, and bin Laden died a victorious man.

Deb in the City

A jihad for everyone

2011-04-27T18:40:00.005-04:00

As I mentioned before, Ross Douthat irked me a few days ago with his piece on Hell. I'd insert a lame joke about it being a Hell of piece, except it wasn't. It was a directionless piece of writing that seemed to be trying to be provocative more than anything else. Still, I think his message was Christians really need to believe in Hell or their moral life will be empty or non-existent.

I'm not a Christian, but who is he or anyone else to tell someone what they need to believe or that they are, in effect, doing their religion "wrong"? But this is not what irked me the most. Somehow, I found myself barbing with a well-known Boston journalist about this. No, he said, this piece was fine, and good for Douthat and the NYT for bringing up religion for it's presumably left-leaning, agnostic or atheist audience. And we should be talking about other religious topics in the Opinion section, like Jihad and the Right of Return.

This is what has irked me for days, and I think a number of my friends as well. I don't think those are religious topics.

Okay, let me make a slight exception, but only if you know the meaning of the word "jihad". [Pause] No, it doesn't mean Holy War. You might want to use the word "fight", but it seems to be better as "struggle": as in, the struggle to become a better person, to resist temptation, or perhaps to improve your world. Yes, it can also be the struggle against those who have wronged you, but that is referred to as a "lower" jihad.

I am no expert on Islam, but it seems to me that the authors of the Q'uran were 1) concerned with creating a society of moral people but 2) understood that, unfortunately, wars happen. But what do I know? See what this guy has to say instead.

My point: jihad the struggle may very well be an intrinsic part of Islam, but Jihad the Holy War is not. I think there may very well be a number of Muslims who would disagree, but I'm going out on a limb and guess that most of them don't come from the relatively prosperous Turkey or Iran but would be more likely found in the poorer Afghanistan and Palestine. In other words, the history and the political context of the person plays a significant role in how they interpret their religion.

As for the Right of Return: Are there Jews who have always believed in the Right of Return? Yes, but there was a time when many did not. When Reform rabbis drafted and adopted the Pittsburgh Platform in 1885, they rejected the idea of a Jewish state. (I've seen other versions that went so far as to call America their Zion.)

What changed for this group of people? The extermination of 6 million Jews five decades later. That's a big deal number, and that's why the majority of Jews like the idea of Israel 66 years after the end of the Holocaust (I include myself). But even among that group we have very different ideas about how the state of Israel should conduct itself.

Believing in the teachings of Mohammed does not mean that you approve of a Holy War; believing in the covenant between God and Abraham does not necessitate a belief in the right of return; and believing that Jesus is your savior does not require you to believe in Hell. Some believers do, and some believers don't. It is wrong- offensive- to say that one belief requires another. Worse, it trivializes the religion: Muslims are terrorists; Jews are invaders; Christians behave only because they're afraid of going to Hell.

No, they're not and they don't. Everyone believes different things for different reasons, and while much of it may be influenced by their religious teachings, there is a filter we all hear things through, and it varies by country and circumstance. Look for the filter as you listen to the words, and maybe look for yours too.

Writing from the Professional Left,
Deb in the City

Vastu Shastra

2011-04-25T19:17:00.006-04:00

Some people have different ways of coping when their stressed: food, shopping, porn, eBay, throwing things. Today, none of those options were available to me, and some of them are just unclean (eBay especially). So after ripping my exercise band due to overuse, getting rained on while weeding with my sons, having to do the dishes (this is a bigger deal than you'd think. Just believe me so I don't have to post a picture of my hands.), finding out that the university I want Sam to go to still needs some documents from us before they can talk to us about financial aid and dealing with children who thought that the best thing to do today was hide inside of my husband's filing cabinet, I was in a sour mood. (Ross Douhat's really lousy writing did nothing to improve my mood either.)

So what's an irritated woman to do? Throw stuff out.

I have to confess- I no longer want to throw out all of my daughter's stuff. I mean, I do, but it's only because she never folds anything or hangs it up. So I did the next best thing and threw out unused books and even some toys instead.

I threw out toys. I am so badass. Right? Because if you throw out toys you're a bad and unsentimental person. Yeah, that's me: embracing the dark side.

I threw out books and papers... but not that many. Enough though that the room looks *not* crammed with stuff.

As Penelope Ann Miller once said, Oh baby, now I'm happy.

Can I keep this joy going? Did I mention my husband's books?

Deb in the City (with thanks to JCC for the inspiration)

Better Late Than Never

2011-04-22T09:08:00.003-04:00

I promise, we did not wait three nights to observe Passover because I was too busy frothing at the mouth about people's incipient slut shaming. First Michael, the boys and I were sick. Then Michael was sick. Then there was a threatening thunderstorm. Finally, on Thursday, the stars had aligned.

To the people who bite their lip and wonder how they can do a traditional holiday meal without meat, I shake my head. There is so much. So, so much. There's only a tad less if you're a vegan. If you happen to be gluten-free or just wheat-free, you can do it pretty easily as well. But if you're vegan, wheat-free and you need to be respectful of a nut and chickpea problem... guess what? That was doable too.

A few weeks ago at our temple, I showed off some vegan gluten-free donuts from the Baby Cakes NYC cookbook I had. They were our contribution to the bake sale, and they were good. (FYI, the version with agave is just as delicious.) When I explained our limitations to a friend and some of the other mothers, my friend said, "Oh! You're all set for Passover then!" I smiled and shrugged a joke about being Sephardic. One of the other mothers said, "We're all Sephardic for Passover." Big smile. Alrighty then!

So yesterday we had matzo ball soup, potato kugel, tzimmes, aspargaus with sour cream, chocolate sticky buns and hamantaschen. Yeah, a little out of season with the hamantaschen, but I was dying to try it.

The recipe for the sour cream, sticky buns and hamantaschen are not mine, so I can't share. But if you can get to a library for Joanne Steppaniak's work- it's in her Nutritional Yeast cookbook- or to the bookstore (Brookline Booksmith!) for the newest Baby Cakes book, it's in there. You probably know how to make kugel, but this is pretty simple. And I'm not going to tell you how to make a vegetable broth- there's plenty of information out there about it.

Matzo Balls

I'm particularly proud of these. They were inspired by the work of Isa Chandra Moskowitz, Erin McKenna and, oddly, Nigella Lawson, but not so much that I wasn't still crossing my fingers yesterday morning and afternoon.

1/4 cup flax meal
3/4 cup plus 1 tbsp brown rice flour
1/3 cup potato starch
2 tbsp arrowroot
3/4 tsp pepper
1 tsp salt
1 package silken tofu
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup water
dash of onion powder
dash of garlic powder
1 tsp nutritional yeast

Mix flax meal through salt in a bowl and set aside. In a blender, combine tofu through nutritional yeast and blend until smooth. Combine with flowers and stir until you have a smooth dough. Cover and put in the refrigerator for at least two hours.

Set a large stock pot of water to boil- use at least three quarts of water. As you wait for water to boil, shape dough into balls one teaspoon at a time, then carefully drop into water. (I had at least 2 dozen little balls.) Let the water come to a boil, turn the heat to low, then simmer for 40 minutes with the cover on. After 40 minutes, turn the heat off but keep the cover on. You are essentially steaming the matzo balls into softness. You can serve with heated broth at this point.

These are really, really good.

Potato Kugel

This is embarrassingly simple.

1 tbsp olive oil
1 medium onion
6 small to medium potatoes, peeled
1 tsp salt or to taste
dash of pepper
3/4 cup vegan sour cream (buy from the store or check the Steppaniak recipe... if you can't find another recipe on the web.)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Oil a baking or casserole dish and set aside.

Heat olive oil on medium low in a heavy pan. Finely chop the onion and add to the pan with 1/4 tsp salt and stir.

Grate the six potatoes. (I did this directly into the pan, but you can use a food processor.) Raise the heat to medium high, add the rest of the salt, then stir occasionally for three minutes. The potatoes don't need to be completely cooked, but they do need to be soft. Turn off the heat and add the sour cream. Transfer into the baking dish, then bake for 45 minutes. When done, the top should be golden and crispy.

Tzimmes

I don't really like tzimmes, but I really like these. And so did everyone else last night (except the twins).

2 small sweet potatoes, peeled
2 medium sized pears, peeled and cored
1/2 cup dates, pitted
2 tbsp brown rice syrup (or honey or agave)
1 tsp cinnamon

Chop the sweet potatoes into small dice. Chop the pears into medium dice (the pears will cook more quickly than the sweet potatoes if they are the same size. Cut the dates into medium pieces- halving them will probably suffice. Add the rice syrup and combine to coat. Add the cinnamon and stir until well-distributed. Pour into the prepared dish and bake for 30 minutes. Let cool slightly before you serve.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Oil a baking dish and set aside.

I repeat, these are all really, really good. It was the first time in a long time I've had a Passover seder where I could enjoy everything, and the first one ever in which I enjoyed the food and it didn't hurt me afterward.

I'm sure there's a Passover lesson in there somewhere, but I'm just here for the food.

Deb in the City

Clothing

2011-04-21T09:17:00.002-04:00

There is a serious conversation in other quarters about clothing. It was set up by this loveliness on CNN. There are reactions here and here. Please read all, if you haven't already.

To sum up: Don't dress your girls like tramps/prostitutes/prostitots/whores. They'll have bad self-esteem later in life. You're also making them targets for unwanted leering or sexual advances. And it is in your power to stop sexual predators, because we all know that no child that has been dressed in the most conservative clothing possible has ever been molested, just as we know that wearing the most restrictive clothing has protected women in the strictest Islamic countries from being raped.

Right... we don't know that, because it's not true.

Possible solutions:

1) Dress your girls in boys' clothing. Possible reaction in keeping with Grunderson: no, don't! Then they might get confused about gender norms and grow up to be lesbians and have the opposite problem of no one leering at them. But at least they wouldn't be raped, because men aren't attracted to butch lesbians.

Wrong again... plenty of lesbians get raped every year, no matter what they look like.

2) Dress your girls in girls' clothing, but get it oversized. Possible reaction: oh no! Now they're going to grow up and think it's okay to be fat, and it is NEVER okay to be fat. But at least they won't be raped, because fat women not only don't get leered at, people try to pretend they're not there.

Um, no. Fat women get raped too- even fat lesbians.

3) Teach your children that they are not the clothing they wear. A smart outfit doesn't actually make them smart or clever; clothing that shows off some amount of skin doesn't mean that they are sexually available or give other people the right to treat them like commodities; clothing or shoes that show signs of wear might make them cold or uncomfortable, but they're still people who should be treated with dignity. Clothing might give people a first impression, but that doesn't substitute for the hard work of getting to know someone before you make a final judgment.

Whoa! What?

And, randomly, while Grunderson brings up the potential for his son to look like a rapper (or a prisoner), that's not an equivalent for "tramp" and it never has been. Is this a special problem only the girls need to worry about? If so, isn't that part of the real problem?

Deb in the City

Today was a big day

2011-04-14T21:40:00.002-04:00

Do you know how long I've waited to go clothes shopping? Finally, finally, I could leave the boys with Michael long enough to hit some thrift shops with Jaz. We did pretty well but made a stop at H&M anyway. She found some skinny jeans, I found nothing. Between the two of us, we got eight items for about $57. Yeah! I want two more things, but I'm going to try Macy's and risk it with the boys.

Oh yes, Michael gets to keep his job, despite the best efforts of the governor. In theory, he'll have to reduce his hours, but in practice he was working at about the new level anyway. Sometimes, to quote Tennessee Williams, there's God- or maybe a little bit of luck.

Oh, right- Sam got into Hampshire! She and Michael visited on Monday, and they both loved it. We're still waiting to hear from two other colleges, but she did get some very generous aid. We'll see, but it's good.

Deb in the City

A tale of two Scotts

2011-04-13T10:37:00.003-04:00

When I was eighteen, in 1990, I made a call. I asked to speak to the District Attorney, and lo and behold I was patched in to Scott Harshbarger himself. I told him why I called, and he was very sympathetic. I would even say kind. He was glad I called, and he made an appointment for me to come in later that month.

A few weeks later, I went in. I was by myself. Harshbarger wasn't there, but two of his assistants were. I told them my story, and they were impressed by how articulate I was. I guess they didn't get too many articulate people? But while they agreed that what I described was a crime, they didn't want to pursue it. Among other things, they articulated that the penalty would be too harsh. I'm not making that up. So nothing happened. But I tried.

It didn't really surprise me that these two ADAs didn't care. Why should they be any different from my family and friends? No, that's wrong. There was one person who did. We were at a birthday party, and I blurted out what I was going to do. She nodded in approval, then asked about it when she saw me a few weeks later. She seemed impressed that I was pursuing this, and when I was told nothing was going to happen, I felt like I had let this person down. But I tried.

Let's fast forward two decades. Senator Scott Brown's memoir came out a few weeks ago, and among other things, he revealed that he had been molested as a camper when he was a young boy. He was terrified, and he had to see the man every day. He also had no one to turn to, as his family life was a mess. As I understand it, he also acted out and got into trouble at school. People didn't like to believe that those kinds of kids could be victimized. But he was.

I disagree with most of Scott Brown's politics, but he is undeniably a survivor. He made it into college and law school and then became a successful politician, first at the state level and then at the national level. Not just a survivor- a success.

After his book came out, his office received hundreds of calls from men who had been similarly victimized and never felt like they could talk about it before. That's a good thing. But I'm not applauding that Scott. Even after he came out with what happened to him, even after he had received so much sympathy, he didn't come out and name the abuser or the camp where he was abused. Even after an investigation was initiated and 13 other people came forward with similar allegations from a camp he went to. Even after a camp councilor was found dead of suicide on camp grounds.

It's not fair to put the other victims on Brown's shoulders- he was a child, and back then he probably wouldn't have been believed. But people believe him now, and he has the pulpit to get something done. But he won't.

I think people may argue that he is still a terrified child underneath it all, and he doesn't want to have to face it. That's not good enough, and I can say that. Because I was an eighteen-year-old who went into a meeting all by myself, told a painful story and was told it didn't matter. I had been told that before by people who were supposed to care about me, but I tried anyway. Scott Brown is a US Senator whose polling numbers went up after his story came out. And he isn't trying.

It's just one more reason why I was happy to vote for one Scott but not the other.

Deb in the City

Trying to get to No

2011-04-12T21:58:00.002-04:00

I have been better for about a week- it took me that long to recover. I am trying to take it easy so I don't get sick again, which makes me crazy. I want to be one of those people that really does only need three hours of sleep, not one of those people that needs seven or eight but has ambitions that could keep her up later.

I've come to the conclusion that during the school year (and by school I mean Hebrew School and Orchestra), I can't take on any extra commitments. That sounds insane to people who send their children to school and these other commitments almost as an after thought, but for us, the time commitments add up. That doesn't preclude seeing friends for Game Day at a library, our impromptu field trips or one-off lectures, but it means that I have to say no to any other long-standing commitments.

Ooh- I hate saying no. However, this was, in it's own way, a year of No- at least, when it came to the things I really wanted to do. I can only hope that I will remember later- tomorrow, next week- what my addiction to Yes cost me.

But in other news...

- Yay! We didn't shut down, but what a price we're paying. Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security are on the table. Progressive Democrats are uncool in Washington- now everyone is a Serious Democrat. Since everyone knows how much I like to sprinkle Fairy Dust, I'm going to indulge: I want higher taxes on the Super Rich, Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security to stay funded, out of our go nowhere wars, investments in higher education and job creation that doesn't depend on tax cuts and someone mumbling something about education. You want to negotiate? Fine, but I'm over here. If you really want to be in the "center", you're going to have to move a little close to where I am now.

- The Fukushima Disaster is now at Level 7, which is the same level Chernobyl was. No nuclear power. You're going to have to negotiate with me from here, too.

- And speaking of energy... I tried to forget my political woes on Saturday by taking the kids to the Harvard Museum of Natural History. All was going swimmingly until I realized that their interactive video about staving off global was dependent on carbon capture and "clean coal". That's just what I expect to see at a science museum. How about an exhibit on where we can find the Easter Bunny?

- And speaking of Easter, it and Passover are coming up, and I think I'm on tap for both. I also have the crazy idea of hosting not one but two seders. [Pause] That's a "Yes", isn't it?

Deb in the City

Purge Day!

2011-03-29T21:37:00.002-04:00

I'm still not entirely well, but I am on the mend. I woke up in a little bit of a sweat, as if my fever broke. No tylenol for me today! To celebrate my improved health, I read a lot while everyone else slept, then I read a lot more to the boys after they woke up. Yep, we were going to get back to normal today.

... until Jazmyn told me her throat hurt. Argh! Okay then. Jaz was staying home. That wasn't changing my plans though- I was going out. To the library. Between the Boston and Minuteman Library systems, I had almost 30 books and dvds I needed to return. After Sam gave me her items I had over 30.

Gosh, over 30 books and dvds are heavy even when the T-station is two minutes away.

Orange Line to the main Boston branch, returned 12 or 13 items. Green Line to Brookline, returned 19. I *did* get Jacob some more readers as well as some books for everyone on Korea, Ancient Greece and Ancient Egypt, but I stopped myself from getting anymore because I knew I'd be going to the Boston Library again later this week. Such restraint.

I bought some bulk tea on the way home- you cannot imagine how much tea my family has gone through this week- then rode home on the bus with some of the loudest teenagers I have ever heard on public transportation. Gossip, romance, jockeying for power- I have never regretted homeschooling less.

When I got home, Michael and the boys were in the basement. Michael came up about an hour later, looking a little sweaty himself. He and the boys had gone through our storage unit, and there was now a pile of stuff that needed to be thrown away. I looked through the pile, and after pulling out my Halmuni's sweater and the big, stupid stuffed dog I'd promised the boys I'd salvaged, Jaz, Michael and I threw a lot of stuff away.

I feel guilty about taking all of that to the trash. If I were a better, less exhausted person, I would have donated most of it. But I wasn't going to rent a Zip Car right then, and I was so excited about the prospect of having a cleaner storage area. It's two days before trash pickup- I am hoping someone sees something they want and grabs it.

Once cleaned off, we moved several very full file boxes from our bedroom into the basement. More space... this is the stuff that excites me.

After I read a little bit more, it was time to make dinner. I looked at my refrigerator. No, it was time to use the leftovers. I smiled as I watched my pile of empty plastic containers grow in the sink and I felt that special contentment you only feel when you look at your refrigerator and it isn't overflowing with stuff. (Dinner was very good too, by the way.)

It occurs to me that carrying heavy boxes and lugging around a lot of books are not the best way to spend the last days of a cold, but nothing I've done this week has made me feel better than what I did today.

Deb in the City

For you, Nick Kristof

2011-03-28T17:20:00.004-04:00

First, I'd like to thank Nick Kristof for reminding me this week about the important topic I'm about to discuss. (Trust me, this is much more important than the state of my health, why I'm homeschooling or how much I spent on the groceries.) He reminded me of his greatness by being such a jerk this week about the ... action? in Libya. He's in favor of U.S. aid, as I mostly am. But he's referring to people who aren't as "isolationists". Don't believe me- check out his tweet from yesterday.

To say that's a ham-handed oversimplification is being generous. I know people who aren't in favor of doing anything in Libya, and it isn't because they have some kooky 1920s/1930s philosophy about a survival of the fittest on an international scale. Most of the people I know despise Qaddafi and think what he's doing to his own people is monstrous. But a good number of those people are emotionally and financially exhausted after a decade of war. Our most vulnerable populations are being deprived of basic services while we spend billions every day in countries half way around the world. And most of us don't feel safer. "Isolationists" is an insult to the people who *want* to go but don't think we can afford it. "Isolationist" is a further injury to those who want to know why we're in Libya but haven't done anything of anything substance in Rwanda, Darfur or the Congo.

Kristof would be just one more talking head spouting off poorly formed opinions if I hadn't read his previous work. I know he can do better. I'd like to think that one of the ways I've evolved this year is that I can handle someone disappointing me without completely cutting them out of my life. So I'm using this an opportunity to remind myself more of Kristof's greatness than his failings.

Last year in his column on Mother's Day, Kristof wrote briefly about the problem of fistulas in the developing world. There's a reason you don't usually hear about them in the developed world- a doctor in the 19th century figured out how to cure it. (As an aside, the son of a bitch performed multiple experimental operations on the same woman, who happened to be a slave, without anesthesia. Everyone who has ever given birth without incident, thank her now.) Also, many fistulas are caused by a prolonged, unmonitored labor, and one of the many benefits of prenatal care and access to hospitals and doctors is that we don't generally go for days of active labor.

Back up: what is a fistula? It's a hole. In this case, it's a hole between the birth canal and an organ. Here is a better definition from the Fistula Foundation:

"A fistula is a hole. An obstetric fistula of the kind that occurs in many developing countries is a hole between a woman's birth passage and one or more of her internal organs. This hole develops over many days of obstructed labor, when the pressure of the baby's head against the mother's pelvis cuts off blood supply to delicate tissues in the region. The dead tissue falls away and the woman is left with a hole between her vagina and her bladder (called a vesicovaginal fistula or VVF) and sometimes between her vagina and rectum (rectovaginal fistula, RVF). This hole results in permanent incontinence of urine and/or feces. A majority of women who develop fistulas are abandoned by their husbands and ostracized by their communities because of their inability to have children and their foul smell. Traumatic fistula is the result of sexual violence. The injury can occur through rape or women being butchered from the inside with bayonets, wood or even rifles. The aim is to destroy the women and the community within which the sufferer lives. Once committed the survivor, her husband, children and extended family become traumatized and humiliated. The Panzi Hospital in Congo is a pioneer in treating victims of traumatic fistula."

To sum up, you can develop a fistula either from a prolonged labor or a traumatic rape. (A woman named Wabiwa in the Congo went through the Hell of both. Her story can be found on this page.) It is estimated that over 2 million women in the developing world suffer from fistulas. Approximately 100,000 more will suffer from them every year.

It's one of those mind-numbing problems. These women need education, access to decent medical care, sanitation systems and a safe geopolitical climate. But even lacking those, these women can still be helped. Fistulas can be operated on, and there are a number of hospitals in Africa and Afghanistan that are trained to perform the operation.

You can help by donating here. Those of you who can afford to donate $450 to cover an entire operation- please do. I can't though, and I'm sure most of the people I know can't. You can make a monthly donation, or you can make a one-time donation. Or, if you don't have the means but you still want to help, you can contact your Senator and Representative and ask them to sponsor legislation to fund The Fistula Foundation. And you can spread the word.

This is an issue that makes most people cringe, but it's one of the few things that can be easily cured.

Thanks, Nick, if not for everything, then for this.

Deb in the City

Sniffling drive by

2011-03-25T22:27:00.002-04:00

In what I am choosing to see as a karmic retribution for my post that someone is foolish enough to envy me, most of my family now has a really bad cold. Which, funnily enough, is due in part to that person, but that's another story...

It was really sudden. One child complained on Wednesday, but we were fine. Then at about 11:30 in the morning Michael and I separately came down with the same sore throat and achiness. I'm congested to boot. The big people are a mess, but the littler ones are taking it in stride. Which means that we didn't get enough of a break to really get any rest today. I got between 15 and 30 minutes of sleep, but it was punctuated by people throwing things, yelling and wrestling.

I ordered some food- because of the Food Stamp experiment we were on, I didn't have enough vegetables to even make soup by the time 7 pm rolled around- but even with that lack of effort I'm still hurting. I'm crossing my fingers that tomorrow will be better, but I have a feeling I still won't be well enough to attend the Gardner's Gathering scheduled for tomorrow morning.

In good news, Michael finally got paid so I could pay bills. In better news, even after money to the IRS, there was a good amount of money left over. I love when that happens. I want to watch that just sit there until the next pay period. Since I don't really *want* anything, that shouldn't be too hard.

No, I lie- I want orange juice very, very badly. Unfortunately, six people go through a carton in less than half a day.

In sniffles,
Deb in the City

An object of envy?

2011-03-23T21:51:00.003-04:00

Last week, I realized someone envied me. Not because I'm so gorgeous or intelligent (no and no), but because I have something that they did not: flexibility. Perhaps by extension I also have a measure of freedom.

Here's what's funny: the person in question has a home that's about four times larger than mine. Also has a car. But this person also has a job, as does the spouse. It seems to be, as far as I can tell, a desirable job. All in all, they've got a pretty comfortable, conventional life.

The trade-off for that conventional life is that they have to live by the rules of convention. Some of those can be negotiated, but only so much. So, as that applies here, that means that I can stay home, let my children sleep in late while I workout and catch up on the news, take the kids on field trips and go to the library for as long as I want. It means, at least in my particular case, that I can't travel with my children nearly as much as they can. Sometimes that's okay, and sometimes that's not; I would really love to go a certain Southeast Asian country this summer to see my sister, or a certain African country to see another sister. Hell, I would love to be able to pick up and go to NYC to see yet another sister, or go to California and see my father and yet another sister. Okay, it's even hard for me to go to the Metrowest area to see my mother and my other sister (that's it, I promise), and even an issue for me to go to a suburbs just west of Boston to see two of my favorite people. But that's the choice I made, and I think I do a pretty good job of not snapping at people who can.

We all make choices, but maybe not all of us are as hyperaware of it as we're doing it. By the way, I'm not necessarily recommending that as a constant state. It's really agonizing sometimes, and the weight of the consequences really never leaves me. Sometimes, of course, you get cocky. Experience can sometimes do that to you. But more often experience teaches you to respect Murphy's Law, no matter how much you think you've anticipated.

My children required big shifts. I thought I was going to be a mom who put her baby in daycare, but I realized very early on in my first baby's life that I wanted to minimize that as much as possible. So with very few exceptions, one of us always stayed home with a small child while the other worked outside the home. Of course that affected our income and I felt it, but I knew what we were trading for, and that was fine. I thought I was all set when my children were at "good" schools when they were older, but then I realized that my children needed something else. So I was home again. That had an effect on our income (although not nearly as much as I thought it would), but I knew this and chose to do it.

And some choices are easier than others. Do you *know* how much car insurance costs in my part of Boston? Have you seen how much gas costs this week? I don't miss that stupid car at all. And cleaning up my small condo is enough work that I don't relish having a larger place to maintain.

I'm not without regrets- I wish I hadn't gotten the car in the first place, for example, and I wish we'd started homeschooling sooner- but when I think about it I know we made those choices for a reason. My choices have made my life, and I know that. And I can live with it.

If you must envy me for anything (still so silly I have to shake my head), envy me for that.

Deb in the City

A pimp with a heart of gold

2011-03-22T07:03:00.002-04:00

You know what I want really, really badly? A bike. I dream of a foldable bike like Dahon *sigh*, but I would settle for something that had thick tires. Sadly, whatever I got would need to be cheap, or I need to wait a long time.

When I have shared my desire with my friends, invariably they have told me that they or someone they know scored a bargain off of Craigslist. They quote insane prices and supreme customer satisfaction.

But you know what? I can't stomach Craigslist.

If you're my Facebook friend, you probably saw me jumping up and down in my posts about the National Conference for Media Reform that's going to be held in Boston in about three weeks. Conferences are usually out of my budget, but this would be reasonably affordable. Media Literacy workshops; addressing the sexualization of girls in the media; addressing the needs of the transgender community; Boston's media landscape- that and more. Oh my... As I started picking out which sessions I wanted to take, I was of course interested in the one on Social Media and Social Change. I try to use my time on Facebook and Twitter to spread news that I think everyone needs to hear, but I'm sure I can do better. Perfect.

But then I saw that Craig Newmark was a presenter. I don't think I could walk into that session, and I don't know if I could go to the conference at all.

Craig Newmark is the founder of Craigslist. Craig Newmark, as far as I'm concerned, is a pimp.

If you're one of those annoyingly earnest people or organizations that sees sex-trafficking as a problem- paging, Girls Educational and Mentoring Services and The Advocates for Human Rights- Craigslist's Erotic or Adult Services has always irked you. But they're in the minority. Craigslist didn't really get called on the carpet for those divisions until the so-called Craigslist Killer story broke. He answered ads placed by both women and men, used their services, then robbed or killed them. The suspect was such a nice, clean cut looking young man- a medical student to boot- that the media couldn't help but jump all over it.

Craigslist squirmed, then went about telling everyone that they had removed those divisions from their sites. Well, most of their sites. AND, they reminded us, they were donating all of the revenue they got from those divisions anyway. Also, they sniffed, they're not the only venue where people advertise for sex services, but they took great pains to make sure no one was exploited.

Right.

Let's pretend for a minute that we live in an ideal world. In such a place, I have no problem with people trading sex for money if that's how they want to make money. But I guess I imagine that in said ideal world people will be born into safe homes, have access to education and not suffer from endemic poverty and might, therefore, be able to choose other means of earning a living. I imagine there will be some people who would choose prostitution, but I'm pretty sure that number would be very low.

We do not live in that world, and the vast majority of people who end up as sex workers are those who feel like they really don't have any other options. Sex work in the world we live in is exploitation. I strongly doubt Craigslist could stop it on their own, but they can make the world a better place by not hosting it on their site.

Calm down, someone is surely thinking. They already have. Wrong. I was going to start this piece last night, but then I thought I'd do a little research. I'm not going to tell you what I found, but if you'd like to know, please go to Boston's Craiglist, go to Services and then type in either "adult" or "erotic". Howard Stern approved. I couldn't write after that- I needed to spend some time cuddling my computer and apologizing for subjecting it to that. No, seriously- I could literally feel the cookies flooding it.

Well... but those are adults. Not an ideal world, but you can't prove anyone is being forced to do anything. Maybe I can't, but here's hoping the Brooklyn DA, Charles Hynes, can.

But... they're still not profiting from these ads. Not so fast. The statements I have found say that they are giving away 100% of the net revenue. I'm no accountant, but as I understand it, "net revenue" means whatever profit you made after expenses. I don't know what their expenses are, but I know that they get to define them. I also have no idea when they are making those donations. Mr. Newmark and I don't talk, but I'm guessing that Craigslist isn't making those donations every day, as the money comes in. I'll guess that at the most frequent it's every month, and probably more likely a few times per year. Why is that important? Because it means that the company can bank the "net revenue" and earn interest off of it. I'm not sure what interest rates are at their bank, but I'm guessing that the interest they generate off of the $36.3 million they make from the ads in question- about 29% of their total revenue- is a substantial chunk of change.

And the donations themselves? Please, accountants, correct me if I'm wrong, but it is my understanding that they can write those off on their taxes. I'm guessing the difference between the taxes on $122 million and whatever they're paying after their write off is pretty damn attractive.

So: they make money off of the interest, they get to subtract whatever expenses they determine they can, and they get a write-off. I don't think "money laundering" is a sufficient description for what they're doing.

Everyone does it? Um, no they don't. I did a search on the New York Times and Boston.com sites, looking in classified sections. A search for "adult" and "erotic" produced nothing on those sites. However, a search for "escort" did produce a business listing for an escort service- for sale?- in Florida. Okay, I grant that's something, but I suspect the people who are looking for $70 hookups would probably find the asking price a little out of their price range.

(Yes, *of course* the Boston Phoenix and Boston Herald have adult or escort ads. Of course they do.)

I am disheartened because Craigslist is an acceptable part of the post-New Economy. We can't afford to conspicuously consume, and a lot of us have rethought the logic of doing so anyway. Craigslist and other services like it feel almost DIY. We don't need a storefront, virtual or electronic, to sell our goods. We're taking capitalism back and getting it at a bargain price.

Well, I'm all for saving money, but I have my limits. I'm not going to buy anything, even a gorgeous $60 English bike, from an e-pimp.

Deb in the City

PS But don't listen to me. The New York Times did a much better job with this. Yes, this story is from 2010, but the case in Brooklyn is from January 2011. And if those don't make you think, check out an organization that decided their core values were worth more than $25,000, even in this economy.

Going in

2011-03-20T20:53:00.002-04:00

Alright, enough about me. I'm fine. I got to see two friends (well, two groups of friends) who are wonderful on this unplanned day off. Another friend reached out to me, and I'm grateful I could finally be there for her. All of the menfolk here got hair cuts, courtesy of me. I submitted a book review and I'm pitching- zoiks!- an interview about media literacy that has a chance in Hell. My life is good.

Let's talk about Libya.

In a couple of very important ways, Libya is not Iraq or Afghanistan. The most important is there was a legitimate, for real resistance before anyone starting talking about international military intervention. This is a good thing. I suspect a sizable number of people look at Libya and think "Middle East". I think they then think "Al Qaeda", "terrorists" and/or "Radical Islam" or just "Islamist". Probably any variation on the word "Islam" brings up negative connotations. That's terrible. What's even worse is it influences their feelings about why or why not we should go in.

Libya does look like Iraq in a very important way: Qaddafi talks like a crazy person. He actually makes Saddam Hussein look very smooth. That, probably, adds to our instinctive response about whether to go in. Oh yeah- he's also killing his own people. He's a little bit smoother about it than Hussein was; in Libya, it looks like a civil war, while in Iraq it looked like a dictator massacring his unarmed population. It seems like people don't generally want to get involved in a civil war, but they do want to protect unarmed civilians. But it doesn't always work out that way.

I like diplomacy; I definitely prefer it to bloodshed. I think we were able to work that in Egypt, despite a couple of setbacks. Yay us. But that is not an option in Libya. If you think about Libya past "dictator", "Islamist" and "oil", the next word that might come up is some variation on "isolated". Libya has been on the fringes hovering near persona non grata for over two decades now. Qaddafi weaseled in a little bit around 2003, but not enough. We don't really have enough of a relationship to apply any pressure to him effectively. That's why the best weapon we have is our bullets.

Why is this our problem? There are two answers. The first, for me, goes back to the fact that he's bragging about the lack of mercy he will show to the rebels who want him out of power. The footage I've seen of Libya reminds me of Guernica in 1939. The cries for help remind me of Europe in the 1930s- Asia in the 1930s- and I can never forget that because we ignored those cries over 11 million people lost their lives. That weighs on my conscience, and that was why I wanted to go into Yugoslavia and Rwanda in the 1990s.

The second answer, of course, is oil. Please, let's not kid ourselves- that's the real reason we're going in and that's why France and Great Britain are so hot to trot to get in there too. All that oil- those lucky Libyans.

Those poor bastards in the Congo and Darfur. They've got nothing. We can see not just massacre but genocide playing out for all the world to see, and we don't care. When we're going to risk American lives, there had better be some economic value attached to it.

I'll say it: I'm in favor of the US enforcing a no-fly zone in Libya, but I don't want to do anything else. I'm extremely discouraged that after dragging their feet for weeks, the world leaders moved suddenly. I fear they did not formulate any kind of post-engagement plan. This could easily turn into a disaster.

When we're done in Libya- and by done I mean we're not flying over anyone else's airspace, because sending in troops is not an option- I want the diplomats to go to the Congo. And Darfur. And Yemen. They deserve our attention, if not our bullets, too.

Deb in the City

In praise of what works

2011-03-19T21:34:00.003-04:00

I was canceled on four times last week. That's irritating, but what's worse is that two groups canceled on me twice. I had plans for five days this week, but only one of those days went as scheduled.

When I say irritating, I don't just mean that I was offended that someone blew me off on short notice (or without any at all). I organized my schedule around them, waking my kids up early, staying in the house and NOT doing the many things I like to do with my children, such as visiting a museum, reading to them or going to a library. Yep, those things did get done this week, but not to the same degree, and when done, more breathlessly than usual. And given the other drama playing out this week, I needed as much oxygen as I could get.

The obvious solution? Don't make plans. No, I'm kidding. The real solution is to make plans with people you *know* are reliable. My Wednesday friends- check. I'll turn on a dime for them. Props to those who hosted something and showed up for that too. That *does* seem non-negotiable, but it's not. So to my Thursday "host"- you rock, and I'll come to anything you want.

I had plans today with two people who are as good as their word. Intense and dedicated- my kind of people. Sign me up for anything you want me to do.

A shout out to another friend I haven't seen for a couple of weeks but also keeps her plans unless there is a big problem- as in, sick child problem. Otherwise, if she says she's going to do something, she's there, even if it means taking three small children out in February.

Here's to my buddy- she probably knows who she is just by that moniker- who has never flaked out on me, virtually or in person. My geeky gumbado. ^_O

And finally here's to my temple (yeah, it's okay to call a synagogue a temple). Thank you for organizing, thank you for getting people to the table, thanks for putting on a really good show for Purim. I'm so glad you're there.

I still don't know how you build a good community, but at least I have a better idea of whom I want in it.

Deb in the City

PS We're in Libya now. We have a much better reason to be there than Afghanistan or Iraq (yes, I am aware that these are not independent events), but boy do I hate seeing American planes dropping bombs on anyone. Qaddhafi is a monster and Libya has been in a civil war for weeks. The situation meets necessary criteria. But I don't feel any joy and I won't until- unless?- we're gone and out.

The luck of the who?

2011-03-17T22:13:00.005-04:00

I thought this was going to be another good day. I got cocky.

I checked my email and found I hadn't been canceled for my 9 o'clock. Alrighty then- get in a quick workout, then shower and get everyone ready by 8. All set to leave by 8:25... and then there was the message. We were canceled. For the second time this week. I understand- everyone always has good reasons- but consider me warned.

But that's okay, because now I could finally take Jazmyn to an event she'd been dying to go to for months. I read a little with Jacob and Simon, then I started prepping lunch- and then I saw not one but two mice. (Actually, I saw one and Sam saw another.) The mice have been stalking us, but they were never so bold as to do it in broad daylight (at least not this time around). So all bets were off. We were getting lunch out, then going to our event.

But then I couldn't find my bank card. Ugh! I searched the closet, then I threw old things away. But no joy. Fine. I called the bank and ordered another card. So I needed to take Michael's card.

Shockingly, we made it to our snack and our event. I got to see a friend, and then someone else came in. I alluded to some of our drama, and then I elaborated for the next ten minutes. It's nice to tell people what happened who have no connection whatsoever- they look at you like you're not crazy for thinking someone's a bully.

But then... one of Jazmyn's friends showed up with the girl who bullied Jazmyn. This, after several phone calls and text messages to the effect that, no, she wasn't welcome and, oh yeah, a bunch of messages to the girl's mother that she wasn't allowed to contact Jazmyn. I called a parent and the other two girls left. Hmm. Awkward.

We left shortly afterward and went to the bus stop. I have no idea why I waited over 20 minutes for the bus, but in the meantime I got to see both the weird acupuncturist and the bully. Oh great. Simon was very worked up at this point, because the bully had also bullied him. He was screaming and crying as I tried to keep him away, and I think he punched me.

The bus finally arrived. We went to the Brookline Library, then we went to Brookline Booksmith. Then we walked the long way into Boston. I felt like Jazmyn and I needed the walk, and I need to go to extremes to wear the boys out these days. While we were out, Jazmyn's friend contacted her and explained that the bully had declared that she was going to follow her to the event today because it was in a public place and I didn't have a right to keep her out of it. Which is all true, but it's a little weak when we take into account that she declared she was never going to go again after an adult dared to tell her she couldn't do something once.

I wrote an email to the bully's mother after we got home and repeated that the child needed to stay away from Jazmyn. Well, after dinner, I found that she had replied. Among other things: Jazmyn had contacted the bully after I told her not to (this was true, and Jazmyn lost her phone because of it) and I was not creating a safe environment where Jazmyn could express her feelings without fear of my strong emotion and because of this I was the one keeping Jazmyn and the other child from working out their relationship. Um, no.

I have spent the last two hours literally wondering which planet I'm on. Really? Really? Jazmyn hasn't been telling me for months how much she didn't want to be around her? She didn't tell me from practically their first meeting that she didn't like this girl? I didn't have to put up with parents not three days ago criticizing my 11 year old because she refused to "come to the table" until she was under extreme duress?

Jazmyn is really, really angry with me because I forced her to be in this homeschooling co-op and because I forced her to be around this girl. She also doesn't trust me because I wanted her to work this out and get some closure when she just wanted to be done. Or so she's been yelling at me for the last few weeks.

A child who has an almost pathological inability to empathize, and a parent who sees what she wants to see. They're really two sides of the same coin, aren't they?

You know what I did in the middle of all this? I sent an email to a friend who is having a real, life or death problem. I am over this. I don't want to have to deal with these people and their drama anymore. I don't want to deal with parents who can't admit that their children are bullies. I don't want to deal with people who blame the victim.

I want to spend more time hanging out with the cool people I saw yesterday and today, the old friends who keep their appointments and the sweet people they've introduced me to. And I want to spend more time being there for the people who really need me. So that's what we're going to do.

Deb in the City

A good day

2011-03-16T22:09:00.004-04:00

My family's cycle of discontent seems to have ended. Despite the rain, despite children who were reluctant to get out of bed this morning, we had a good day. We hung out with an awesome family in an awesome place.

No, seriously, everyone who lives in the Greater Boston area needs to go to the Cambridge Public Library and hang out. It's fabulous. One of my kids said she wanted to come back every day. I don't blame her. The Children's Room is awesome and the hugest I've seen. It's very safe too- I don't feel bad about letting my children walk away from me for a minute. And, best of all, you can eat there. Oh my God! Parents, you know how huge this is.

But it was the company that really made the day. It was so nice to hang out with friends. We have things in common, but they're also just nice people. And there was no conflict. Imagine.

When we got home, I let the boys watch some movies before I wrote a draft I need by next week. In between, I fielded an email from a parent I know who is thinking about homeschooling. She asked me about classes, and I told her that we weren't really doing those. We do, however, have memberships to all of the major museums in the area. As I was explaining, I realized that not only are those a great resource in their own right, they're also a very good alternative to classes for all three of my children. My kids have learned things just from walking into the museum, but with some planning and research I could also use what they have to create more of a directed "class" or lecture. Huh- I'm so savvy, I don't even realize it until after the fact.

I closed the loop with the person who helped us last week and updated her on the situation. Classic bullying, she agreed, and it was good that I was keeping Jaz away from the other child. I would need to be vigilant to make sure that really happened, I knew. Then, just to test my resolve, Jaz got some texts from a mutual friend while the other child was with the person who bullied my daughter. As soon as I heard that, I told Jazmyn to stop the conversation immediately. Nope, sorry, no way, uh uh. She was not happy, but that's okay. That's better than being miserable.

Nice company- check. Good hang out spot for little homeschoolers- check. Draft done- check. Reasonable limitations enforced- check. Feeling good about my choices- in spades. Today was a good day.

And more to come,
Deb in the City

Back to where we started

2011-03-15T22:09:00.003-04:00

It's not that I've gone anywhere- and, God forbid, not that I would go anywhere that wasn't a city- but I know I've spent a lot of time talking about issues that weren't directly related to raising a budget conscious family in one of the more expensive cities in the country. So a little window into my urban life today:

I had something scheduled for 9 this morning, so like a good doobie I woke around 6 so I could do what needed to be done. Well, the other person had to back out, so we're hopefully on for Thursday. But I was still awake, even though I'd gone to sleep close to midnight. By the time 9 did roll around, I was thinking a little nap would be great.

But by 9:30 it was pretty clear that I needed to leave the house anyway. The boys were kicking, wrestling and screaming. What else is new? Nothing, other than my determination to wear them out.

Out we went. First stop: playground at the Boston Commons. Jazmyn and I sipped homemade hot chocolate while the boys made a new friend and ran around for an hour. It was great. A short train ride later and we were in Brookline. Jaz went to Hebrew School, and the boys and I went to the library. This time, however, I had a firm rule. No computers. Isn't that the craziest thing to have to say to children at the library? (But what do I know- I'm still sort of scandalized that there are designated eating areas in libraries these days.) Simon read a few books, and Jacob and I tried to find something he could read. I found an easy reader series that he felt comfortable with and we read six of those very quickly. They're phonics-based, but I don't care. As long as he feels okay that he can decode the words, I don't care what it's called.

Afterwards, back to Jazmyn and Hebrew School, then on the train to meet Michael. Then, thank goodness, home. On the last leg of the trip, Simon looked tired. Yeah! Too bad he's still up right now.

That's not a lot of things that happened, but I needed a low-key, low-pressure day with my little ones. This was the first day of the beginning of our full-on independence. It's a difficult adjustment even though it's been a de facto reality for a while. It's hard for Jazmyn too, but for different reasons. She's still pretty angry and feels like it isn't over. I can only keep assuring her that it is and just keep reminding her that the hardest period of adjustment can be not just the transition from ending to end but the period between the end and the acceptance of the end.

I am irked, still, but mostly I'm aware of the space that the angst used to fill. Frankly, I'm glad it's gone, but I'm trying to make sure it stays gone. I made a conscious effort not to be on the computer as much and I'll try to repeat tomorrow. It's not fun to stare at your computer screen when you feel some injustice. It acts like a mirror and helps you replay it. Sometimes you need to replay things, but I know in this case it's over and done and should stay that way. Time away from the computer did make me feel better.

I have plans tomorrow to meet someone at another library. It's a library kind of week. I want everyone to think good thoughts that Wednesday is going to break my streak of plans gone awry, okay?

Thanks,
Deb in the City

Limitations and satisfaction

2011-03-14T23:08:00.003-04:00

People, here are the rules: if we've worked together, it's okay to criticize me. I'd prefer "constructive criticism", but really I'll just settle for not being an abusive jerk. If we're friends, I'll allow some supportive critique of family members or other friends who have done me wrong. If we're family or you've known my children since they were very small, then you can offer your insights into one of them. But it is NOT okay to criticize my child, especially when I am taking great pains not to criticize someone else's. You can describe what my child did and you can talk about how that made someone feel. But to criticize one of them in terms you would use for an adult? No, that's too much.

Part of being an adult is accepting that you can't always make someone see your point of view, but you still have to come to the table. I came to a bunch of different tables a number of times. I'm not satisfied, but my conscience is clear.

Unsatisfied, but only with one part of today. The rest was great. Jacob asked first to go to the MFA and then the library. We did both. They picked out DVDs then we sketched at the MFA. Jacob drew Samurai swords and African blades, and Simon hunted for dragons. Jazmyn drew a bunch of things- that's her way. At one point, in the Korean room, two women from England wandered in to remark on how cute and talented they all were. (Seriously, my children are the best conversation starters ever.) When I explained that they were homeschooled, one of them asked if the numbers of homeschoolers in Boston is growing, because apparently it's growing in England. Why am I not surprised?

Tomorrow I will meet with some cool young people to test out a fun workshop, and then we're all going to Brookline. I'm grateful, and satisfied.

Deb in the City

PS No, I'm not over Japan yet. The disaster continues to unfold. Are we up to three or four possible reactor meltdowns? This is horrible. I hope others begin to connect the dots and start investing in renewable energy sources. I don't want to be in the path of the next disaster.

Maimonides, earth quakes and the worst place in America

2011-03-13T19:13:00.004-04:00

So, as I believe I mentioned, I reached out to someone in the leadership of my temple last week. I thought it went very well, and Jazmyn and I discussed a strategy that made us both feel better. And then things exploded the next day.

I was both angry and humbled. I posted a couple of angry states (that's plural for "status", ahem) on Facebook, including a mea culpa to my husband, and my wonderful friends and family reached out. That's how I know Jazmyn is going to be just fine after all of this.

Why did I reach out to my temple? Because I read some translations of what Maimonides wrote about a responsibility to confront, forgiveness and how both affect the community. When I explained this to someone this weekend, she said that she thought even Maimonides would understand if I just washed my hands of everything and walked away.

Ah, a little more humbling. You see, the very first thing I read of his was the need to stay with good influences. (By the way, I hope everyone understands that I am oversimplifying to the point of probable insult, but not with intention.) He even wrote- and I'm not paraphrasing- if you are in a community where no one sets a good example, run to the forests, thickets and caves. Caves, folks- I can't even make that up. When I read that, I scoffed. "Where is the leadership? How can he positively affect social norms if he retreats?"

Uh huh. Sometimes you have to know when leadership is not an option and that your influence on the definition of acceptable social behavior is limited at best.

Does anyone else hear the chuckling in the ethers?

In other news... Japan? Wow. Please refrain from the Godzilla jokes, because this isn't funny. Yes, they are still much better off after an 8.9 earthquake than Haiti was after a 7.6 last year, but that's some cold comfort to the families of the thousands who died. And, just to keep things real, a nuclear meltdown is potentially much, much worse. It also makes me sick that the one country that was bombed with a nuclear weapon- not once, but twice- is the one worried about a reactor malfunction. I want to lecture about, oh, Peak Uranium and issues with disposing nuclear waste, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around the horror. Oh yeah- Larry Kudlow, you're an ass.

Last fun bit to leave you with: Cleveland, Texas is now a finalist for most despicable "community" in America. My friends and I were disgusted by the coverage of the gang-rape of an eleven-year-old last year in the New York Times. (The term "gang rape" seems somehow inadequate to describe something that has netted 18 people, including a 27-year-old, and might need to include at least ten more.) But now I'm wondering if there was any way for the other to have done any other kind of story. Look folks: you want to blame the victim, let's save it for, I don't know, fifteen and up? Alright, I'll go down to fourteen. But eleven? What is wrong with you?

I somehow doubt Maimonides would have any words adequate to make me feel better about either of these stories.

Deb in the City

Balance

2011-03-11T22:14:00.003-05:00

There was more good than bad today. A friend of mine is doing very well after we were worried that things would go worse. I made really yummy food, including ice cream. My children helped me with that. The boys had a *great* time at the Museum of Fine Arts. I was ecstatic as we went through the Egyptian and Korean rooms, looking for mummies and dragons, respectively. (Hmm... why weren't the Egyptians into dragons? Everyone else was.) I got to introduce my children to a very nice person at my old university and pass on a great book. And my husband made the boys their own, giant light sabers out of an old foam roller. So much good in one day.

So imagine how *bad* something had to be to make me forget all of that for a few hours. My daughter received a really nasty bunch of text messages on the train ride home. Within 30 minutes of being home, she was in tears. Again. I wasn't home the first time she dissolved into tears, but my husband was. I was glad I missed it; it allowed me to be a little calm while trying to negotiate some complicated emotional territory. Well, forget calm and rational. I'm glad I managed to defend my husband against people who criticized his reaction. Now I don't look like too much of a raging hypocrite as I do a complete turn and wash my hands of something. We are done. Done. My child has been bullied, pressured, wrongfully accused and ambushed. That's enough. I wish I'd gone with Michael's gut in the first place, but now I know to trust it better.

And yet... for all of the high emotions that have been stirred up, this isn't a matter of life or death. Life or death played out today in Japan, where hundreds of people were killed by an 8.9 earthquake and the tsunami that followed it. It is horrible... but it's nothing compared to the thousands that died last year in Haiti after a 7.6 earthquake. It is so much, and I am grateful that in the larger scheme of things my family has so little to bear.

I'm going to calm down soon and I'm not going to be angry. Jazmyn is going to be fine, because she has me and her dad and so much else. I'm going to be able to look back on today and remember that my boys were very excited about hunting dragons and running around the rain in Boston's twilight. For that I am grateful too.

Deb in the City

Perspective

2011-03-10T22:49:00.004-05:00

I reached out a few days ago for some outside help. It's not something I usually do. I'm old-fashioned, old-world sometimes; admitting you need help is admitting weakness. Well, to Hell with that. It's true- sometimes I'm weak.

I reached out to the leadership at my temple. I'm not religious but I belong there. I mean that literally and figuratively. I did not want or expect someone to say, "well, in Genesis they said this," but something I read in my Adult Ed class this weekend seemed very applicable to what's been going on here. How do we treat people we are in conflict with? What do we do with our anger? What do we do when someone is unable to hear us? There were, technically, answers on a page, but in true tradition we weren't there to accept the answers but to explore them. The "lessons" seemed to be both guidance and explanation. I was hoping I would get more.

I sent the person I went to meet with a very long email (yes, long even by my blog standards). Much to my surprise, she read it. I'm used to doing prep work that gets ignored (I *did* work in corporate environments), but here it wasn't. She understood and had important, basic questions. She also reminded me of why I had entered into something in the first place. It was those basic insights that illuminated the steps I needed to take. I had known before what the right thing to do was, but now it didn't feel like I was going solely by my instincts. Those are great- they tell you when something isn't working and maybe what your end result should be- but they don't tell you how to do it. I suppose that's why we evolved with brains as well.

Jazmyn came with me to the meeting. We still needed to talk after so we walked a long part of the way home. Jazmyn expressed doubts, and I saw that as a good sign. She had been confused, and that had further upset her. Now she knew she had options. We discussed them, then settled on a plan. It might not have been significantly different from what she wanted to do before, but having talked through it, she felt better and less defensive about it. Boundaries are funny things- you have to push against them a little bit to know where they are.

Onward. I have to do some adult things and Jazmyn and I have some plans to make. I'm looking forward to all of it.

Deb in the City

Looking forward to tomorrow

2011-03-09T19:17:00.003-05:00

That's not a philosophical statement. I am literally looking forward to Thursday. First, it won't be today, which has been frustrating and irritating, and second, I have an appointment with someone who, I think, has a little more wisdom about certain things than I do. At the very least, she has more objectivity. We'll take it.

Since I got home last night from Hebrew School with Jazmyn, there have been accusations, lies, a touch of treachery and distortions. And, of course, drama. I thought last week was tragic, but this is ridiculous. People I have to explain things to are not going to understand, and there's nothing I can do about it except try.

Just to put things into perspective, the House hearings on the "radicalization" of American Muslims is a shameful disgrace. I have never been more ashamed to be an American. This week, I've been reading "Revolution: 1989". Combined with these hearings, Libya, Afghanistan and the horror show in Wisconsin, I cannot escape the feeling that we have learned absolutely nothing from history. I'll go further; it's almost as if we have willfully ignored what we should have learned.

Is there anything I can do about that? I hope so.

Deb in the City

What am I going to do about lunch?

2011-03-08T09:56:00.002-05:00

This is not a dieting question, I promise. (I don't diet- I just wanted to put that out there.)

Let me explain. On most days, I have three children with me (11, 6 and 6). We are car-free, which is just fine because most of the places I take them are in Boston or accessible by public transportation. We've still got some food issues. For right now, let's just call it wheat-free veganism. So there are things we can't eat that you can- paging, cheese sandwiches...

We get hungry when we're out. (No kidding, right?) When it's cold, I like to drink something hot, but otherwise I'm fine with, you know, a water fountain. But I need to provide, usually, at least lunch and a snack. If I don't bring it with me, I'm going to have to buy something out, which, for four people, adds up.

The big problem is that we're mobile and I'm doing the majority of the carrying. (Assume, please, that this will remain the case and suggestions that they carry their own backpacks will cause more problems than they solve.) So I'm carrying almost all of it as we walk around. And at least two days out of the week I'm also going to have a bunch of library books and dvds with me too. In other words- I'm carrying a lot.

I am not one of those people that's all about bags, but I am now looking for the perfect bag that will let me carry all of my things. I'm also looking for a good lunch box- or something along those lines- that won't be too cumbersome and, oh yeah, is economical for three or four people.

Snack ideas? I'm all ears, as long as it's low/no sugar, vegan and wheat-free. Yep, I'm all set with the fruit.

But I'm really looking for a good bag- pictures, even, will be appreciated (I have enough moderate sewing skill that I could manage putting it together if I needed to).

God, I miss strollers sometimes.

Deb in the City

If it bleeds it leads.

2011-03-07T21:29:00.003-05:00

As an adult, I've managed to make myself a productive conversationalist. I'm willing to strike up or engage just about anyone if they appear to be reasonably sane. Just ask the very nice young woman the kids and I met at the Children's Museum today. She's from Chicago, she's a grad student at Northeastern studying education but she's trying to transfer into a program for nutrition. And we have very similar feelings about healthcare reform, Obama, the Republican House and education policy. I might have caused her to close up her room a few minutes late, but I think she enjoyed the conversation as much as I did.

I like to talk, I like to talk about things I read. (If you're my friend on Facebook, you know this. In fact, there's a good chance that you've hidden me from your News Feed because of this, but I'm sure I still like you anyway. If you're not my friend on Facebook yet, what's stopping you? I'm very friendly.) I have over 400 friends, and there are varying levels of online intimacy. Some people I know really well, and some people I've only "seen" online. Many of my friends are like me and are at times addicted to news and, even worse, punditry. (Is there a cure for people like us?) So it's fair to say that I've learned a thing or two from them that I wouldn't have gotten from MSM (that's Mainstream Media, if you didn't know before). It makes me love those people even more.

So imagine my surprise when the MSM scooped me and my friends last week. Where did I learn about the allegations that Julian Assange, the controversial head of wikiLeaks, made bs Jewish Conspiracy claims? From the Metro. Yeah, that Metro- the one that gives three paragraph blurbs about stories two days old. At least, that's how old this story was.

What? What??? This was a story a bunch of different groups of friends would have normally found- the ones who are rightfully vigilant about smears alleging a Protocols of Zion conspiracy, the ones who hate and despise wikiLeaks, the ones who adore wikiLeaks and the ones who are all over political gossip. Not one of them got this in the first two days. At first, I sneered- well, the MSM must have buried that one. Nope. Looks like the New York Times published it on page A6 the day it came out. Huh.

I kind of sneered and shook my head about that until Saturday morning, and then I read a story that fully eradicated all of the bitter cynicism. The funding for Reading Is Fundamental has been cut off. Yep. Those vans that my husband and I remember driving around Boston, Cambridge and New York are going to be a lot more scarce. More importantly, the free books that underprivileged children received are going to be in much shorter supply. That's just great. I could still cry just thinking about it as I contemplate that Boston is about to begin yet another round of threats to cut off funding for libraries. Literacy- it's overrated anyway, right?

And where did I read about this? In a list on a blog post that compiled the news in publishing for the week- one of those professional writer blogs I skim sometimes. That's not even the MSM or the "edgy" blogs. By the way, the story was also two days old when I finally saw it.

As I mentioned in my last post, last week was pretty lousy, so I may have taken both pieces harder than I normally... nah. Those are lousy bits of news. But it was that I was the first person to note these in my circle of friends that made me shudder. My God, people, you do NOT want to depend on me to be the one to break the breaking news. I mean, you know, if it's my job, I guess I can try, but I get too caught up in the details to move quickly enough to grab the next story in time. It's a bad fit.

So what happened? It's really tempting to blame Libya or Wisconsin, but you and I both know that isn't what was eating up news time. Yeah, you know what- who- it was, so I'm not going to use the name. That prolonged story of a mental breakdown has been gotten enough ink and airtime. If there's a chance you don't know what I'm talking about, good. You're not missing anything.

I'm pretty sure that the majority of the people I know weren't chasing down links to that debacle, but it doesn't matter. If that's what the news outlets are going to talk about, that's what the public is going to know about. That, folks, is what's wrong.

How do we change it? I don't know, but I think it starts with knowing that we have to.

Deb in the City

Putting it all in perspective

2011-03-06T21:22:00.002-05:00

This was a rough, rough week. Young children cried, and one of them was mine. Adults cried, and I think I made them. (And I like this person.) The situation is so sticky and delicate that I'm trying to track down one of our rabbis for some guidance.

Oh yes- a friend of mine is very ill. Will probably be able to recover quickly, but right now they are very ill (yes, I know I'm mixing my plurals and singulars, but I have my reasons). That news was only a few hours old when I found out that an old family friend had passed away. That broke my heart. This person was very kind to me when I felt alone, and I have always fondly remembered everything about this person because of that. I feel a deep regret that I didn't spend more time with them, and there's nothing I can do about it now.

But this week also had some highlights. I got to see an old, dear friend, and she introduced me to someone who was very generous with both her time and her expertise. I got to laugh, nod and exchange thoughts.

Sam had a great concert today at Symphony Hall. It's the last time she's going to play there, and she went out with a bang. They played a Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet and did such an amazing job that I actually cared about Romeo and Juliet. And then they played an original piece written especially for them by Mark O'Connor. I will say without any exaggeration that it was the most exciting piece of music I have ever heard them play, and one of the five most exciting pieces I have ever heard period.

During the intermission, while Jaz was working a Sudoku puzzle, I struck up a conversation with a well-dressed mother whose feet were obviously killing her. Within ten minutes, we were talking public versus private college, the public education resources available for kids who need services (no matter where they are on the spectrum) and the joys and foibles of raising a musician. We laughed, nodded, and exchanged thoughts.

I wish things had been different about the last few days, but if they are balanced by those moments- the meat of life- then I can't complain- especially when my loved ones are still here and we're all healthy.

Deb in the City

How do you build a community?

2011-03-01T22:11:00.003-05:00

I think about this a lot, and like most themes that dominate one's life, I see it pop up everywhere. No joke, I went to an event last week where someone was speaking about a yogurt co-op and then segued into how it might be interesting to "build" a community of people where everyone does what they're most expert at or interested in. The idea is that this would provide a nice alternative to the extremes of all DIY and all "out of the box" as well as afford genuine craftsmanship.

I don't think it works that way.

A definition of "community" that's pertinent here, from Dictionary.com:

a social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists (usually preceded by the ): the business community; the community of scholars.

Hmm.

I'm going to call this a year of experimentation. This seems to be better than "year of bad decision making". The experiments- failures?- have been around community-building. I can tell you what went wrong, but I'm not going to do that here. I can, however, use that to make some guesses about what (maybe) works better.

First, I'm going to go out on a limb: I think a community, of whatever size, works best when people basically like and respect each other. Second, you probably need a similar world view. That doesn't mean that there is total agreement about politics or current events, but it does mean that you have a similar set of core values.

You know where you're pretty likely to find those things? In a mostly-functional family. My sisters and I still get into shouting matches every couple of years, but most of our conversations are more about sharing information and insights rather than trying to convince each other why we look at something a certain way. There's nothing wrong with explaining your intrinsic beliefs to someone, but having to do that all the time, I think, limits the amount of time you can dedicate to processing information and coming up with new ideas to move forward.

Unfortunately, my sisters don't live in Boston, so community-building with them isn't a viable option. Family is off the table for a lot of other people too. So next best option? The family you choose- your friends.

This is the step that's bothering me most of all, I think: how do you find these friends? There is no standard answer. Some of the people I like and spend the most time with now are those I met through my children's schools or activities. Then there are people in my neighborhood that I met when I worked at a cafe here. There are work-related people- what I would do without a certain yoga instructor and another Pilates trainer, I don't know. There are some friends I've made online in the area as part of my support for certain political candidates or causes. Finally, there are a handful of people I am close to from college or high school.

What, basically, do these people have in common? We met while pursuing similar interests (with the exception of the cafe customers- I simply won those people over with my sparkling wit... and they me). I have what I consider a healthy group of friends with different levels of intimacy and contact. The common thread is that I like and respect them all, and the majority of them have a system of values similar enough to mine that we can get past pleasantries and explanations pretty quickly and jump to the meat of an issue.

But what if you hated everyone you went to school with? (If you were bullied in school, I don't blame you.) What if you don't have a job? (In this economy?) What if you can't afford a vocational training program? What if you don't care about politics? (Then you're probably not reading this.) Doesn't matter. You can still find people, and not just online. There is usually a project in your area that aligns with your interests. Volunteer, go to meetings. Speak, and listen. Go enough, and you'll meet people. Some of them you will even like.

But... "project" is different from "community". A project is short-term and has definite objectives. A community is a group of people that is hopefully in it for the long-term. You can make friends through a project, but not every friend you meet will be someone you can form a community with.

So how do you know? You go with your gut, and then you test your gut out. You take your time. And if your dream community has a very specific objective, you might have to wait even longer to find just the right people. But that's okay. Time spent finding the right fit is time well spent.

But why listen to me? The year of experimentation has only yielded one firm conclusion: I am not a joiner.

Deb in the City

The better part of valor

2011-02-28T16:24:00.003-05:00

I am incredibly proud of my daughter Jazmyn. When faced with a difficult situation, she showed restraint and prudence. She did not resort to her first instinct of flight but chose to do something difficult. That things ended so badly is not her fault. Fingers have been pointed, but none at her.

I have learned a lesson: my daughter has good judgment, and when she gives an initial opinion, I should go with it. And I will.

There is much more, but the better part of valor is silence and reflection. I can only hope others discover that as well.

Now let's move on.

Deb in the City

Being sick is overrated

2011-02-20T19:21:00.002-05:00

I have no idea what happened. Michael and I took Sam and the boys to the library for a few hours yesterday, then went to the Pru for Indian food. A few hours later, I met up with a friend to do some work. However, she hadn't eaten dinner yet, so we got a bite. I got a very small bit, because I was sort of full. Then we went somewhere else with a working wi-fi and I got a hot chocolate.

When I came home, I felt sick. Not generically sick to my stomach, but vomiting at midnight. I haven't done that since I was in my first trimester with the boys- no, I lie, there was this one time at the beginning of my third as they were crowding out my digestive organs.

Vomiting is the worst. Every intrinsic muscle of mine was sore. I think that's what makes the flu so awful too- it's not an ache of your big muscles, it's pain that goes into your smaller, deeper muscles. So painful I ended up going back to sleep- I never go back to sleep.

I would be sleeping still if my husband didn't have to take Jaz to her music lesson and Sam didn't have her own rehearsal to go to. I suppose I could have asked Michael to take the boys, but I had no desire to send them into the cold if it wasn't necessary. So, after a week of stepping them down from computer time, they watched a LOT of movies and played a lot of games in my room while I tried to nap a little more. And they were very good- Simon at one point told Jacob to keep it down so I could sleep.

I love my little guys.

I'm lying when I say I don't know what happened. I think I do. Jazmyn was very upset about something when she came home, and Michael and Sam were pretty upset too. I had to put on my mature adult cap even though I could easily indulged my own feelings. I handle stress badly. It's not coming out in screaming and yelling as much, and it's coming out less as toxic itchiness on my skin, but it can get me still. This, despite a regular yoga practice and truly, genuinely, feeling better about things.

In other news, I got my first paycheck as a writer. As those things go, it's pretty big. It's so great... except for the part about me having to give it all to the IRS. Well, it's something.

Genuinely good news: Sam is going to be 17 this week, and she got accepted into a college already. She and Michael are going to check out a school in western MA tomorrow- everyone think good thoughts for the drive.

And maybe I'll feel better by then.

Deb in the City

Finally something I can write about

2011-02-16T10:51:00.002-05:00

I always have something to say about something. However, in my old age, I am trying to be respectful of people and not write about topics that impact other people. So I've been biting my online tongue about a lot of things. And while I have much to say about politics, Egypt, jobs versus abortion funding, I'm trying to be mindful of my original mission here, which was to write about trying to raise children in a big city without spending too much money. And, of course, my adventures in food shopping.

For some reason, I am of the mind that my children should accompany me when I go food shopping. I know every parent out there who has even a remote childcare option agrees with my husband and thinks I'm crazy. And since one of my earliest experiences with the boys out of their stroller in a supermarket is of them shoving each other in the aisles, in part because they were so tired, I know where you're coming from. However, I feel like it's an avenue to connect them to their food. Unfortunately, we don't have that many opportunities to write see gardens or farms, so if they can at least understand that food doesn't magically appear in our kitchen and that the big people in their lives have to make choices that result in the food they eat, that's something. Yes, I have bought too many bags of granola, cookies and ice cream to keep them quiet, but I suppose that's part of my journey.

Did I mention that I can eat legumes (including soy) and grains now? I can. It's a beautiful thing. I still can't eat wheat, but I'm okay with that. Being a wheat-free vegan is a little bit of nothing compared to what the last two years were like. Why does this matter? Because beans and grains are some of the most inexpensive things in the supermarket, and I can feel better about that cheap price than I do, say, cheap greens and fruit. (Yes, I have an idea of how little our farmworkers are paid.) And, because my husband's job is YET AGAIN in question, spending as little money on food as I can for a little while.

So how much did I spend? $150, which came out to about five bags of food (I need to pick something up that was out of stock, so let's call it $160 and 6 bags.) That's not bad, even with three kids. But you know what was bad? Going to three stores for that. Without a car. On slushy streets. And Boston's increasingly unreliable public transportation. You know what made that even worse? That Jazmyn and I can't carry five bags between the two of us, so Michael helped us out on the last leg and took an hour out of his work day. So you know, that doesn't mean he doesn't work, it means he works later. And that's just what I want after having the boys scream at me all day (it's not that they hate me, it's just their natural volume... I think.).

When I first met with Michael, I begged him to call a cab. No way, he said. Too expensive. He'd rather carry all of the bags with the boys pulling on him than do that. (You have to know how icy and slushy our streets have been to understand how stubborn that was.) Obviously, I can call a cab myself, but I just don't want to argue while Jacob is screaming for granola. I could have rented a ZipCar, but that's not any cheaper. I could have just left the boys with Michael in the first place, but then we're back to Michael taking even more time off of work.

You know what else I could do? I could go to Whole Foods, spend the $150 or $160, and get free delivery. I mean, you should always tip, but they don't charge for the service. Is that so wrong? Yeah, it kind of is, but I'm still very tempted. I know what my husband's vote is.

In other news, yesterday I did something I've wanted to do for a long time: I bought a membership to the Children's Museum. We only got to spend 2 hours there yesterday, but Jaz and the boys had a great time. (It didn't hurt that we went when not too many people were there.) It was more money than I like to spend- $250 for six people- but they will stay occupied.

(The funny thing is that I wasn't inspired to buy it until I had a conversation with someone who worked there about how awful her job was and the nannies who come every day to the place and then ignore their young charges for hours at a time. Yeah... I remember those people from when I first took the boys there when they were babies. *sigh* good times.)

In other news, did I mention that Sam officially has her Associates Degree? She does :-) Give it up for my girl! Now we're looking at colleges for her to finish up, she's filling out FAFSAs, and I'm trying to get her to agree to my evil plan of a less expensive college to make possible a better, more expensive graduate program.

The above necessitated filling out our taxes two months earlier than I had planned. Congratulate us- we made enough money that we owe taxes this year. Don't get me wrong- I believe in taxes, because what else is going to provide us with quality infrastructure and schools. I'd just like to see those things now- is that too much to ask?

Two more pieces of good news before I go: the boys were grounded for running away from me at the Prudential Center, and their punishment was not using the computer. Now they know that they can live without it, so they're accepting limits on usage. This is a very, very good thing. That, combined with the Children's Museum yesterday, found them passed out in the living room at 9 last night. Life is good.

Second item? That wretched Nir Rosen rolled his eyes right out of a job. Sometimes, there's some justice.

Deb in the City